Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, September 13, 2015

When you want to write but dont know how to formulate your thoughts

This post is more me just writing things on my mind, just so you all know :)

Today i got to know more about the courses i applied for in October and i didnt get into one of them, and the other one i dont actually want to read but just have to because it is necessary for the university coure i wanted to go. But now i amnt sure i want to go that university course and instead i feel more that i want to move to Gothenburg and study the dietican program there. But in all honesty, no university course is appealing to me at all and i am beginnig to question what i want to do in the future at all. I am no longer certain what i wanted to do... if you had asked me a year ago what i wanted to study or what i wanted to do i was 110% certain. I knew what i wanted and where i wanted to study, what i wanted to do. But like they say, alot changes in a year. And now i just dont know what i want to do.... maybe its good that i am not studying at university and beginning to regret my choice of program.
   Now i just feel lost... dont know how my autumn and winter are going to look. I dont know if i am going to say yes to the course i got into or not, because i dont need to study it for the dietician program so i would prefer to not study it as its not a course i wanted to do anyway. I am not so good at dealing with set backs like this and i can take it very hard. It feels like everything gets knocked around and messed up... that plan and vision i had, suddenly everything is gone. No plan, no goal, not knowing what i want to do. I was looking forward to my future before, i knew what i wanted and what i had to do to get there... now i am questioning if i even want to work with helping people. Do i really want to help people with meal plans and exercise? Though when writing this post, i know deep inside that yes that is what i want to do. I love helping people and i love knowing more about nutrition and training and being able to help others with that. So i know that is what i want to do, but i dont want to be a traditional dietician or nutritionist or PT either...  I dont have to know exactly what i want to be now, things change in time and in future, i know that. But right now i wish i could just read a book that would tell me exactly how my life will be, what will happen and tell me that things will be ok. Tell me that my worries and anxieties are unnecessary and wont lead to anything good.... but it doesnt mattter how many people tell me to "Not feel so sad" to "not worry", it doesnt help. I am sure you can all feel that way sometimes, where it doesnt matter that people tell you to "Just smile" or "think positive" it doesnt always work. But then again, i believe atleast trying to think positive is a good idea... because thinking negative and getting trapped in the web of negative thoughts wont bring anything positive. Its about changing your thoughts and focusing on the better and making things better.

Right now.... i dont know. Everything feels bleak and bland. The future which was once so clear and bright just doesnt feel so tempting anymore. I once longed to begin working and beging working with what i wanted to, but now i just dont know.

Though i need to remind myself, i am on holiday... i cant sit here and wallow about school and work. There is nothing i can do about them now. Instead, when i get home i will take contact with the school and ask why i didnt get into the course and then i will need to get serious into job searching because if i dont study i need to work. And then also get serious about maybe looking into student living and moving to Gothenburg or Uppsala to study as i dont know if i want to be in Stockholm anymore. I love Stockholm, i love my family and house and my dog but i want change as well and also the fact that the dietician program isnt offered in Stockholms universities. But i have a year to figure things out. For now i need to realise that it is Sunday evening and i am stuck in my own thoughts and anxieties when instead i need to enjoy my holiday.

But with some blogging and writing it helps anyway!

I also need to learn to deal with setbacks better instead of letting it completely ruin my day(s).


How is everyone doing?

Also note... as i am on holiday most of the posts are scheduled and i have very little time to spend on the internet hence why no emails or comments are being replied to.


3 comments:

  1. I completely understand, I've been in the exact situation. Like you said, you don't have to know what your going to do with the rest of your life, and at the same time you need to have routine to feel like you have a purpose. I highly recommend volunteering to help others with diet and exercise, make yourself available to friends and others and say this is what I know let me help you.. Do it regularly, try to create a routine that would be similar to going to school or having a job. Try to create work for yourself. Research everything that you want to study, get books and study. This is so you can see if that's really what you want to do and it will keep you busy.

    It's scary not knowing what your future holds but you have so much time and life, if you make a wrong turn you can always turn around.

    It'll be ok.

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  2. Unfortunately I'm in the exact same boat as you:/ so if you find something out that we don't know please share! I'm in university now but I have to choose what I want to do or be when I'm older and I have no idea. At all. The problem with me is that I am interested in so many different things! And when I choose one I feel like I'm missing out on the other. I love math, science, arts, certain histories, etc. So I don't know if I want to be a doctor, or an engineer, or a veterinarian, or be a flight attendant! I'm all over the place and it is really scary. (Although my ideal job would be to work for Disney because I love Disney and always have). So I do feel your pain, but I guess that's one of the things about growing up right? It's also somewhat exciting if yoy think about it. You don't know what you'll end up being. It could be anything:)
    It'll be ok. Just enjoy your vacation for now and don't think about it. Just think, in about 10 years you'll be in a stable job and you'll be thinking back on this and laughing. 'This too shall pass'

    I hope this was at least somewhat helpful and reassuring? Cause that was my goal!

    Your a true inspiration as always izzy! <<33

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  3. Oh hun I'm having the same thoughts too, thinking i should just give up on my business cos maybe i don't want to do it anymore it all just seems too hard. But maybe its just cos I'm feeling crap right now and don't have the head space or motivation to work and battling with ed recovery and trying to start up a biz is a hard task. But i haven't worked on my business for weeks it seems cos been battling with ed and depression and now i just feel a mess, where am i going, am i even on the right path when will this all end? i wish there was a crystal ball too but i guess our lives can take many turns so maybe the future isn't yet written and thus we need to figure it out as we go and trust all will be ok. hard thou I'm with you on that one. i just want to be well cos at the moment ed is ruining my life but i feel like I'm going round in circles and need help to get out.

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