Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, September 12, 2015

When the feelings and emotions you were trying to avoid hit you hard

You can only run from your feelings and emotions  for so long. A change of scenery and habits was good for me, it helped me think a little differently and feel a little better. But i still felt like this grey cloud was around me, weighing me down and couldnt really enjoy everything as much as i wanted. A constant tiredness which i pushed past as i want to enjoy this trip as much as possible. But today everything hit me hard again, i cant escape reality and the way i am feeling, what is going on in my head and my thoughts. I felt almost paralyzed when everything came back all at once.... You sit there and feel yourself fading away, almost impossible to smile or feel happy. Everything seems to be a colour of grey or black and things just feel darker and more distant. Its scary when dark thoughts hit you hard out of no where and you dont know what to do with yourself, where to go or who to talk to. All i want to do is curl into a ball, no longer be so far away from home, no longer feel this way. Though its up to me to change it... thats why i am writing it on here, because it helps me to write. Its my way of processing things, but also as i dont feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my thoughts and head i can write it out.  It is up to me to change my thoughts and to make sure i fully enjoy this trip. So i am going to smile even if i feel very far from happy. I am going to take photos and enjoy things as much as i can. I am going to think positive and do the best i can to change my thoughts and not let the negatives control me. I have wasted for too much of my life and have ruined so many holidays due to my eating disorder, now i am not going to let depression ruin this holiday. 

Just like i wrote in my previous cant run from your problems. Changing scenery can only do so much, but when the problems are in your head you cant run from them, you need to face them. And so thats what i need to do as well. 2 days left here and the home longing is crazy strong at the moment, last night the anxiety and home longing was very strong but its usually the second night that is the worst, and wishing myself home is not a good idea because then you waste your holiday and you will regret it. 

Anyway, now back to reality.

2 photos and what i have eaten today (& choclate of course ;);) so far i think 500g has been eaten over these past few days XD)


  1. I really like your thoughts and you are so right. I have the same problem to wish me away from where am I and I miss all my real life days (hope you can understand *blush*).
    I love chocolate so much, but meanwhile I create my own healthy chocolate. It tasts much better than evey chocolate you can buy.
    Enjoy your last days and relax :)

    Lauri ♥

  2. I think you should get a manicure! ;)

    PS: That was a friendly joke, please don't take it as critique <3 <3 Wish you all the best, enjoy your holiday, Izzy!! :)

  3. Have you regained your weight? You mentioned you feel best at where you normally are, perhaps the depression could have something to do with under eating (if you are still losing)? Ah Izzy, please get better, you are far too good for these disorders. You deserve to enjoy your life to the fullest! :)

    1. Lol, is there anyone who isn't "far too good" to have mental disorders? None of us deserve it.

    2. Too right, i wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy!

  4. You look totally fab Izzy!! :D so happy.. I do hope you have a lovely time X

  5. I think you should consider that pushing yourself to run 10-15 Km races on such a frequent basis and exercising 6 days a week plus the vast amounts of BCAAs you consume might be playing a very large role. No matter how fit one is, running a 10km race requires a constant adrenaline release as well as corticosteroids being released. Too much of that can lead to adrenal fatigue and depression and you're doing way more long distance races than the average. The BCAAs act to lower serotonin in order to prevent muscle breakdown. So consuming them every day plus pushing your adrenals so much is bound to have some negative effects over the long run. I mean, what is so bad about not having to drink sooo many BCAAs every day?

    1. Cardio is good in moderation, but a low causes WAY too much stress within the body. But every onde in a while is great! All about balance - no matter if you love doing it or not...

    2. Low=lot!!

      Btw. Still not critique - we're just worried and trying to help <3

  6. I'm glad you can write, and I wish you had someone to talk to as well... I really hope you will choose someone in your offline life to talk to, I really do....
    I empathise very much. I am well now, but I recognise the sorts of feelings you describe and I think you are amazing for keeping going with such strength and determination. I never understand where these things come from or where they go, but they do, and I know you know yourself that this will go too, in the end. It will. Just hold tight and stay. I wish I could carry some of it for you. You are not your dark thoughts, they will grow quiet and bright again, they will, I truly believe. x. (Well, caveat: I am not a prophet or a doctor, and I hope you will find one of those, but I do believe that it will end, as it has done before for you, and as it has done for me and so many others.)
    maybe better not to keep putting off talking?
    & surely worth seeing a doctor and taking it from there ...? you can always try a different doctor if the first isn't helpful?
    you are much loved by me and many other readers, :)

  7. Izzy my darling i feel your pain i can so relate to these feelings, i too worry that when i go on hols in 3 wks that anorexia and depression will hide in my suitcase. It's hard to have to continually put on a happy smiley face, do u think you could say anything to your aunt it might help so that you feel a little release and then you can be a bit freer to enjoy your last day? if you bottle it up too long it will erupt in some shape of form and for me it goes into food and exercise, so when i don't do them i feel absolute crap like I'm feeling now. I really think talking may help. can you talk to your mum when u get back about maybe getting some extra talking therapy so that you can get some of it out? i hope you have an enjoyable (as much as u can) rest of your holiday and babes always write how you feel - you don't have to be positive and happy all the time, it's about keeping it real. We love you x