Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

"What are you doing with your future?"

A question which i hate recieving at the moment is, "what are your plans for the future?" or "what are you doing with your life at the moment?"

Getting asked those questions makes me irritated and bubble up on the inside. I know what i want to do, sort of but at the same time, i dont even know what i am doing tomorrow. I struggle with planning just a few days ahead because i hate making plans and then having to cancel because i realise that i dont have the energy or motivation to actually follow through with the plans. So i prefer to take each day as it comes and plan max a few days ahead, of course this can make life a little boring when i feel like i cant plan anything which is too far away, but its just at the moment when my life is sort of based on how i am feeling. I know feelings and that shouldnt control your life, but when my energy levels and motivation are based on how i am feeling then i dont want to promise that i will do something only to have to cancel on the day because i can barely get out of bed.

I want to work and study, i do have ambitions for that so then when people ask me what i am doing it makes me feel like i am a bit of a failure. As if i just graduated high school and then choosing to do nothing, and maybe in a sense i am choosing "nothing" but that is also what i feel that i need right now. My summer wasnt relaxing. I didnt get to relax or de stress after all the months of stress... i was always looking into the future, waiting for replies from school, anxious about wanting to start searching for jobs... and i just didnt relax. So it feels like now, i am finally relaxing in a sense. I have no where to be, nothing i have to do. I can do whatever i feel like, i have no time pressure (sometimes i do, but most of the time i dont) and it is nice. This is what i need... to not feel pressured to be somewhere at a certain time, to feel myself stressing again. Because i cant cope with stress, i have tried different techniques but nothing has worked for me. My body and mind just freak out completely once i begin stressing and i just keep pushing through until the moment when i almost break from the stress and my body just says "no". Coping with stress is a life skill i need to learn and will hopefully learn to deal with some point in my life, because i cant avoid stress, but learning to cope with it so it doesnt break me is important.

But back to the main topic. Will i work or study for the next 3 months? In a way i want to start studying, but i am apprehensive to actually begin the course i got in to. I feel that i am not ready, i dont want to study that course and i dont need to study it either. But at the same time i would only be studying 50% so it could be a sort of "smooth way" to begin studying again.... i have a few days to decide but i feel like i am going to leave it to the very last minute, and hopefully i will still be able to say no if i choose to not study. But the only reason i might study is because i hate when people ask me what i am doing. Then i could say that i am studying and not feel so worthless when i say that i amnt doing so much at the moment. All i am doing is waiting..... waiting until next year when hopefully i can begin studying for real and studying what i want to study.

But for now, when my life is controlled by how i am feeling, i am not so excited about throwing myself back into stress and studying, even if it would be good with routines. I feel like i need these 3 months to just do "nothing" and to enjoy it, because when i begin something then i go 150% in and dont always allow myself the mental rest i need.

Anyway, i felt i needed to get this off my chest... write out my irritation and maybe some of you can relate. Especially when you are in recovery and not allowed to work or go to school (or dont have the energy) then it can be tough when people ask you what you are doing... when in actuality you are fighting a war in your head everyday and fighting for your health, that is not an easy thing.... maybe i should remind myself of that as well, that i amnt doing "Nothing". I am infact doing quite alot each day, as well as fighting a war in my head and just the fact that i get up each day is an accomplishment.


  1. i know what you mean - i've been there too in the past - keep fighting, Izzy, you're doing great x

  2. Oh, Izzy. I can relate to this, so much, and have written about this in my posts too (not that you have to read them, but just so you know that there's at least someone in a same kind of situation). Just remember, you're not alone with this.

    I mean, I didn't get to study this autumn so I'm now having a 'gap' year (what a term). And I have so many times felt inferior and as if I failed something by not studying at the moment. Every time I hear someone studying what they want to and moving forward with their lives I get really happy for them, but, at the same time, I start questioning my own life. I feel so stuck. But I just try to remind myself that this is only a phase and someone else has been through this kind of phase too. I hope you know that too.

    We are still young and we have plenty of time ahead of us. I hope you remember that. And not studying does NOT make you worthless. I struggle with those thoughts too when someone asks me what I'm doing at the moment. But, the thing is, our worth is not based on our education level, grades or what others think about our life paths.

    You are a good person, Izzy. And that is what's important. I hope you remember to listen to yourself and not let other people's opinions affect your choices. Take care!