Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

So many thoughts in one day

Sometimes my mind and my thoughts are at a speed of 200km/hr. Racing around in my head, like a have a bee nest inside my head. Feelings of wanting to run... wanting to just leave everyone.  Pack my things and move without telling anyone. Unfortunately this is something I could do, I have a tendency to sometimes do spontaneous and stupid things. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and that is exactly how I am feeling right now. I have felt incredibly low today and when I was answering questions in the formulas about how I was feeling mentally I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to talk about my mental tiredness and low feelings so instead I left them kind of in the middle.  I have talked to my mum about how I feel and I feel that at the moment that is better because my low feelings have nothing to do with an eating disorder or food related. And if I need help I can get it from other places than Mando,  however it made me realise that the way I am feeling really isn't normal or ok. I shouldn't be feeling this way.... Sometimes it feels like I can smile and laugh and then I ask myself, well is there really something wrong with me? And maybe there isn't something wrong with me.... but at the same time, I know that the way i am thinking right now is not normal or ok. But I don't want to write too much about that here,  I want to keep this place as positive as possible.  :):)

Otherwise it went well at Mando. The food I got was super duper spicy, it burnt and my eyes started watering and I got this burning feeling in my stomach as well as heart burn flaring like crazy. Usually the food is super bland there but it was some special vegetarian food which was spicy as hell! Lots of questions answered,  lots of talking, being analyzed and feeling like an "odd bird" at the clinic. Also many start recognized me which felt crazy.... I mean I guess you can tell from my face who I am. But at the same time there are so many patients all the time and I do look different now compared to how I was before. Not to mention that I look alot more alive. It's weird when they recognize me... not sure if it's good or bad. But when staff who I absaloutly hated stop to hug me and talk to me I just feel weird, I mean I shouldn't really dislike them they were just doing their job, but some of the staff didn't treat me like a human being and I personally feel like I was treated unfairly by them and it's hard to let go of those types of feelings. Some people I will just always have a dislike for, haha.

Onto other things,  I got to see the results of all the questions and such and like usual,  also not surprising I was normal or "better than normal" apart from the "being able to talk about feelings " which I was even higher than someone with an eating disorder. This isn't surprising, I can't talk about my feelings or thoughts.  I keep people at a distance and find it hard to let people in, as well as easily feeling trapped. So its not really weird that it was so high, maybe one day I will open up and be able to talk about my thoughts and feelings
... but today is not that day. But like I wrote above, maybe it's time I do. .... Because I don't think it's working so well not talking about how I feel. I can't keep it all inside of me either, it will get too much and I will sink deeper. Or maybe not. 

Anyway, after several hours I was free to leave and all I want to do now is drink coffee and try to focus on other things. Or really,  I have so many thoughts and feelings at the moment that all I want to do is escape my life and my thoughts.  So first up coffee with my mum and then going to the gym, and I know it will go awesome because I just need to lift some weights right now!! Best therapy ever :)


  1. I can relate how you feel. I´ve been feeling extremely low for months now. Some days i can tolerate it but other days it is like a physical pain but in the mind.
    Hope you are feeling bettter soon.

    1. Thank you. I hope you feel better soon as well. You can get through this, and like others are telling me... I think talking about it and reaching out for support is important!! You shouldn't suffer in silence.

  2. Izzy jag kände igen mig i allt du skrev, har också sådana dagar och det du skrev om Mando, exakt så jag känner.

    1. Jobbigt att behöva gå tillbaka till Mando men går inte så ofta så borde inte klaga. Men man får så många dåliga minnen när man är där. Hoppas du mår bra!!! Kämpa på med allt ditt :) du kommer klara tävlingen galant, försöka njuta av resan ditt och när du står på scenen!!

  3. i can also relate too, i feel like I'm in a fog at the moment, i force myself to put on the happy smiley face cos i fear if i let myself really feel i will fall to bits and then all my efforts at recovery will unravel but holding on to everything is so hard too. I think it may help izzy to just blurt out how you feel (if you can) or just write and write it out. sometimes you just need to let it out or cry or whatever helps, but the problem with bottling it up is you lose what it was really about as it gets buried under all the rest of the crap. try to talk about it if you can cos depression is often a symptom of built up emotions. we are here for you too honey you don't always need to be positive and strong x

    1. Yes that is exactly how I feel and you're write. . I should get it out. Because keeping it all to myself isn't good, a bit like shaking a cola bottle, eventually ill burst. Stay strong you too, I hope you have someone you can talk to or someone there to support you!