Sometimes my mind and my thoughts are at a speed of 200km/hr. Racing around in my head, like a have a bee nest inside my head. Feelings of wanting to run... wanting to just leave everyone. Pack my things and move without telling anyone. Unfortunately this is something I could do, I have a tendency to sometimes do spontaneous and stupid things. Sometimes I just want to be left alone and that is exactly how I am feeling right now. I have felt incredibly low today and when I was answering questions in the formulas about how I was feeling mentally I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to talk about my mental tiredness and low feelings so instead I left them kind of in the middle. I have talked to my mum about how I feel and I feel that at the moment that is better because my low feelings have nothing to do with an eating disorder or food related. And if I need help I can get it from other places than Mando, however it made me realise that the way I am feeling really isn't normal or ok. I shouldn't be feeling this way.... Sometimes it feels like I can smile and laugh and then I ask myself, well is there really something wrong with me? And maybe there isn't something wrong with me.... but at the same time, I know that the way i am thinking right now is not normal or ok. But I don't want to write too much about that here, I want to keep this place as positive as possible. :):)
Otherwise it went well at Mando. The food I got was super duper spicy, it burnt and my eyes started watering and I got this burning feeling in my stomach as well as heart burn flaring like crazy. Usually the food is super bland there but it was some special vegetarian food which was spicy as hell! Lots of questions answered, lots of talking, being analyzed and feeling like an "odd bird" at the clinic. Also many start recognized me which felt crazy.... I mean I guess you can tell from my face who I am. But at the same time there are so many patients all the time and I do look different now compared to how I was before. Not to mention that I look alot more alive. It's weird when they recognize me... not sure if it's good or bad. But when staff who I absaloutly hated stop to hug me and talk to me I just feel weird, I mean I shouldn't really dislike them they were just doing their job, but some of the staff didn't treat me like a human being and I personally feel like I was treated unfairly by them and it's hard to let go of those types of feelings. Some people I will just always have a dislike for, haha.
Onto other things, I got to see the results of all the questions and such and like usual, also not surprising I was normal or "better than normal" apart from the "being able to talk about feelings " which I was even higher than someone with an eating disorder. This isn't surprising, I can't talk about my feelings or thoughts. I keep people at a distance and find it hard to let people in, as well as easily feeling trapped. So its not really weird that it was so high, maybe one day I will open up and be able to talk about my thoughts and feelings
... but today is not that day. But like I wrote above, maybe it's time I do. .... Because I don't think it's working so well not talking about how I feel. I can't keep it all inside of me either, it will get too much and I will sink deeper. Or maybe not.
Anyway, after several hours I was free to leave and all I want to do now is drink coffee and try to focus on other things. Or really, I have so many thoughts and feelings at the moment that all I want to do is escape my life and my thoughts. So first up coffee with my mum and then going to the gym, and I know it will go awesome because I just need to lift some weights right now!! Best therapy ever :)