Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Friday, September 18, 2015

Part of recovery is wanting it for yourself

When you begin recovery or treatment it might not be because of your own free will. Or maybe you just feel so tired and just want to get better so you focus 200% on recovery for two weeks before the recovery motivation dies out because it is too hard. In the beginning it is just to follow the steps, to keep pushing forward but you need to always try to find your motivation and reason to recover. And your reason to recover for yourself. Those who dont fully recover or dont believe in feel recovery are most likely those (from what i have seen/read/realised) who dont want it for themselves. They dont want to change, its too scary... and yes, change is scary, it IS hard to recover. It will be one of the hardest things you do in life, but it is also worth it.

When you have been sick for a long time you identify yourself with your eating disorder. You know that you are the sick person, you feel like you are the eating disorder, when that isnt true. You are YOU, underneath your eating disorder you have your hobbies and interests, things that make you happy. Because you are more than your current obsession with food and calories, you are more than your fear, guilt and anxiety. You enjoy doing more things and eating more things than what your eating disorder tells you. Underneath your eating disorder is the real YOU. And that is who you need to find again and learn to identify yourself with. However, you wont be the same person you were before your eating disorder, once you have recovered. Everything you go through changes you. You will be stronger and wiser and maybe have different interests and hobbies... maybe after your eating disorder you want to work with mental illnesses or become a doctor or be a volunteer in Africa but before that you knew you wanted to be a vet or a lawyer or a singer etc etc

Recovery needs to be for yourself. Not for something materialistic like a summer holiday or a class trip. Not just for your family or your partner or your pet. Of course those can be things that motivate you, keep you going.... but from my own experience, when times are tough and you are really struggling. It doesnt matter how much you love your family or your pet, that holiday you had as a goal just doesnt matter anymore and nothing seems to motivate you to keep going. But when i realised that i wanted to recover for myself, for my own life then it was easier to keep going during the toghest of times because i knew that I wanted. I knew that i was fighting for my own life, i was fighting to be free and to live a life i wanted and enjoyed. Even if motivation was not always there and times when the eating disorder had more control, i knew that in the back of my head i had a goal which was for me... because I wanted to be free.

If your only recovery goals are for someone else or for something materialistic, it wont last. Chances of relapse are alot higher. Because this is YOUR life and YOUR body. It is you who has to do the hard work, it is you who has to see our body change, it is you who has to fight your fears and anxities and it is YOUR life that needs to change. So you need to do it for yourself, but also WANT it for yourself. In the beginning you might need to just push yourself through the steps, eat your meals and rest after meals with your family in your mind or some goal in your mind. But eventually you have to begin eating for yourself, because you know you need it cant survive without it. You need to be able to rest because you know your body needs it and that is what is best for your body. You need to be abe to eat fear foods and not let anxiety or guilt overtake or control you. Recovery needs to be for YOU. Because you want to live your life. You want a life without an eating disorder.

You need to find your reason and motivation within yourself, you have to WANT it for YOU. You need to be tired of your eating disorder, tired of just surviving, tired of routines and habits, tired of restrictions and obsession with food. Tired of your ED and how it controls you. You have to want to break free and be YOU again, want to be you again.

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