Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, September 25, 2015

I hate how depression makes me think and act selfishly

Being selfish is not always a good thing, but thinking about yourself and what is best for you at the moment can be a positive thing. Its about taking care of yourself and what is best for you. Not that you are neglecting other peoples needs but you know you need to focus on yourself, that even if all your friends want you to follow with to a cabin for the weekend you know that for your own sake you want to and need to stay home. And that doesnt make you selfish for making that decision, you are thinking about yourself.

However i find that now when i am feeling the way i am feeling i find myself thinking and acting more selfishly. In the sense that i dont answer calls or messages, if people are worried i choose to not reply because i cant deal with it at the moment. That IS selfish... even if i dont want to admit it. But when i think of it in another perspective i.e if my sister or boyfriend was feeling low and down and they didnt answer a message or call in 2 days, of course i would be super worried and would more than likely try to visit wherever they are to see if they are ok. But then if someone who cares about me tries to do the same thing to me now, then i get irritated and dont understand why... because "im ok". But how are they supposed to know that... because i dont communicate it either.

Which is another selish thing... i dont communicate my feelings or emotions. I dont tell people i am struggling, i just want them to guess it... to just know it even if i keep it all to myself. It is selfish in a sense to not tell others when you are struggling, but even worse when you feel an inner irritation because the other people cant magically guess how you are feeling. But also.. i dont want people to ask me "How i am" because i dont know how to answer. But at the same time i want more than anything for someone to just know how i am feeling and try to help.... but it doesnt work that way either. Not communicating is selfish, and i wish that i could tell people close to me.


Not meeting my boyfriend or friends is selfish. Even though i am thinking of my own best, which is basically wanting to lie in my room all alone and never talk to anyone. But that IS selifsh because my boyfriend and friends and family care about me. And by me choosing to not answer them, talk to them or want to meet them... that does make me selfish. Because instead of thinking that they want to meet me, they enjoy spending time with me i am pushing them away because i just want to be alone.

I never used to be like this... of course i had times i said no to meeting people or going to social events because i needed "me" time and knew what was best for me. But now because i am struggling i have become selfish, thinking about myself and how awful i am feeling instead of thinking.... people care for me and i need to allow them to care for me. But also realising, EVERYONE HAS THIER STRUGGLES. I am well aware of this and i by no means think that my problems are the only problems, hence why i dont want to write so much about it. Because we all have things in our life, i mean even my family, friends, boyfriend... they all have their struggles but in different ways. So for me to think that only my problems are the worst is silly, and think that by not answering, not meeting anyone and not communicating is a good thing, that is silly. Instead i need to think more about others as well.... like i used to.



Maybe some of you can relate to this as well. I think its a common thing when you are struggling to become more selfish in some sense.

3 comments:

  1. Izzy, I really, really, really don't think this is "selfish". Any more than it is selfish to take medicine for being sick. Though I hope you do find ways of seeing the positives in reaching out, without turning it into a way of chastising yourself, but just as a way of moving forward with the people who love you, and whom you love. Life is something we do together, not alone.
    Love, and have a good afternoon I hope x

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  2. I'd have to agree with the above anon. I know when I get severely depressed, I tend to shut Down on certain people. It's not selfish, and I dont know who on earth told you it is, but they've misinformed you severely. It's called inner healing and taking time to yourself.

    Best to you. Xoxo

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  3. i struggle with saying how i feel too, i often feel bad that it's all me me me if i say how i really feel but then i get upset and angry that people just ignore the fact that I'm not feeling great, even when i haven't told them that I'm not great. it's like they can't win but both ways i come out worse cos i bottle it all up when really i should just say how it is. i guess it doesn't help when i do open up and they say yeah well there's plenty of people in the world who have it worse, or yeah but you're still here so you're ok. it makes me not want to say anything so i really get you hun cos i feel torn between saying and not saying how i really feel x

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