I am so sorry for my absence here on the blog, i didnt mean to worry or scare any of you. And also thank you for all the caring and sweet messages i have gotten over the past few days. I would like to say that the reason i didnt blog was because i didnt have internet connection or my computer or phone broke or something like that, but that wouldnt be the truth.
Monday was an incredibly awful day... from the moment i woke up until the early next day when i fell asleep i just felt awful. So incredibly low and awful i didnt know what to do with myself or my thoughts. I basically shut down i felt so low. My negative thoughts were weighing me down completely and i let them push me down. Falling asleep and being able to escape that day was basically the best thing about that day.
Tuesday i woke up and wanted to start the day off positive. With only few hours sleep i woke up at 6.30am and i told myself, "today will be a good day." Today will be different, it will be positive... and it was. I had an early gym session which made me feel awesome. My workouts havent been the best recently, havent been able to concentrate or fully enjoy them... but also the back and hip pain made it difficult to do some exercises, but now its passed luckily! But it felt good to feel strong and happy at the gym and the time just flew by... i wasnt just staring at the clock like some of my previous workouts. After that i headed home and made sure to eat a proper lunch as my meals recently havent been so much "meals" more just snacks as i havent had the motivation to make proper meals and i havent craved them either. Ive just wanted to eat yoghurt and muslie or crisp bread with spread 99% of the time. But with a proper lunch i felt like my day was going awesome.... like i was getting back to normal, back to normal routines. Then i had an appointment at the CF clinic and i also had time for a psycologist which brought up some things and made me want to cry. I let slip that i wasnt feeling so great but i didnt dare talk about it... a voice in my head telling me that i shouldnt talk, that i was just "looking for attention", "nothing good would come from talking" etc so as soon as i had mentioned it. I just sort of withdrew... trying to get me to talk was like pulling at threads and instead we decided to book a new time. So that i have time to prepare myself and that i also have the option to cancel if i dont feel ready. For now i dont feel ready... i dont think i will ever feel ready. Whenever i sit there with a psycologist or therapist i feel embarrassed and ashamed, tears in my eyes and feeling silly.... like my problems dont matter. Like i am just making up my problems... but once i am alone i know that the feelings and thoughts arent made up. But once i sit there it feels like everything is fine... its hard to explain.
Though i think i just need to follow my own advice and realise... I will never feel ready to talk. Just like you might not feel ready for recovery, but you have to do it anyway. And i have to talk, even if i am not ready... i havent been ready to talk since i was 11 years old and the problems began. Ive always made excuses, never actually told anyone how awful i have felt... ive just written it down. My way of expressing myself, but now when i dont want to write everything on here and i dont feel like journaling either... then i need to let it out someway. So i just need to step out of my comfort zone and admit that i am struggling... something i havent wanted to do for a long time. But nothing will get better by keeping quiet, even if that is what i most want.
But anyway, after that and old memories and negative feelings rising inside of me i just felt awful again and my energy drained. So once i was done at the hospital i headed home and got some relax time before heading to my boyfriend.
Now anyway i am back to blogging... i feel ready to get back to writing on here. Or well, i enjoy writing on here :) I just needed a few days away as i didnt have the energy or motivation to write. But also had no creativity to write posts. Now i am not going to put so much pressure on myself to always post, to always have super helpful or advice posts... I have written about so many topics and they can be found by searching my blog, so that can be useful to remember. And then i try my best to answer your questions in posts or in the comment section (apart from recently when i have been on a blog hiatus anyway). I am going to keep the blog as updated as i can, but the posts might vary alot.... somedays just personal posts, other times advice posts, other time food posts, maybe some videos etc etc
Before this post gets too long, here are some pictures from the past few days :)