Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Time heals all wounds

I believe in the quote that "time heals all wounds", im some sense anyway. Not all 'wounds' can be fully healed, somethings in life make such a huge impact that you will never really be the same and whatever happened will always be remembered. But time makes things better, because you grow, you change. You experience new things and the past becomes the past and memories and experiences might not affect you as much, but learning to let go and move on are also huge parts of that. You cant expect wounds to heal if you keep picking at the scabs, and you cant expect memories to fade and be less painful if you keep rethinking them, keep them in your mind at all times.

For me, i dont live in the past. What i went through is the past and all the horrible things i went through and experience, they are mostly forgotten, or atleast arent thought about so often so it can feel like they are gone, like it was all some type of nightmare, which in a sense it was. But then sometimes, memories hit me hard..... and i begin thinking about just exactly what i have been through. The feelings and the emotions and it is crazy to think about that it was actually reality.

While in the psychiatric unit in Ireland i spent days on end not talking, just lying in bed. I wasnt allowed to move, i wasnt allowed to go to the bathroom without someone following me. I wasnt allowed to drink so much water. I would sit by the kitchen table 6 times a day with a staff across from me and a plate of food infront of me. The first few weeks they would try to pepp me to eat, try to encourage me. But by the last few weeks there both me and the staff would just sit and stare at the clock, both knowing that the meal would leave the table exactly the same as it arrived.
I had staff who would sit and stare at me while i lay in the bed, not even allowed to read or watch films because that apparently "Burned too many calories". All i was allowed to do was listen to music and lie in the bed. But as soon as the staff would leave for some reason i would jump out of bed and do jumping jacks, not caring that the bed would make noise each time i moved or got out.
The bed was uncomfortable and hard so each morning i would wake up with bruises and pain as well as a sigh as i was still alive and had to try to get through another day. I wasnt allowed a phone or contact with the outside world and i was only allowed to call my family if i gained weight, but as that never really happened i got very little contact with my family and when i did get to call them i would sit and cry in the kitchen of the hospital and beg my mum to get me out of there. She wanted to, but she knew she couldnt because no matter how much i promised that i would do right at home she knew that i was lying, but also that she wasnt allowed to take me home. Because i was underage and so undernourished i had to be in treatment centre, if i were to run away - which i had thought about so often, but knew i wouldnt be able to because all the doors were locked and had alarms - i would have had the police after me.

Finally after 6 weeks of hell i had to be moved to the kids hospital and get tube fed as i wasnt eating on my accord, and there i spent 2 weeks which were even more of a hell. Because now there were babies screaming during the day and night, i had both hospital staff and stafff from the psychiatric unit constantly watching me and i had a painful tube down my nose which nourished me. And i absaloutly hated that tube, all i wanted to do was rip it from my face as i knew that i was being fed roughly 3000kcal a day from the tube which then made me not eat anything from any of the meals placed infront of me. (I still had to try to follow my meal plan as well as the tube feeding).
 Each time my dad visited me he cried, each time my sister visited me she seemed shocked to see me and didnt know how to act. My mum tried to make things good for me, she brought me stuff to do and bought me new clothes or brought flowers to the hospital but i just lay in the bed and felt more and more distant. I had doctors and staff telling me that if i didnt begin eating i would be dead. They didnt know how to help me. 2 months had passed and i had just become worse, now i wasnt eating anything but before hand i could atleast manage a little food. My weight was only incresing because i was being tube fed, but they knew that i couldnt just be tube fed because the body also needs proper food and food which it can break down and digest. I found ways to self harm during those 2 months and whenever i was alone i would exercise as well as purge if i got to go to the bathroom on my own. I barely spoke during those 2 months, instead i was so stuck in my own head, in my own thoughts. But when i did speak i mentioned the fact that i wanted to die and that i had no future, and the doctors and staff tried to convince me that i would be ok but at the same time telling me that if i didnt change, death was not something i would choose but something i couldnt avoid.

My family knew i wasnt getting better, they knew that i wasnt getting the help i needed so my mum made the decision to move to Sweden with me. We werent planning on officially moving, just that i would get the help i needed. So after 2 weeks in Sweden i was admitted to Mando as an inpatient and the next 2 years were spent there with most of the time being an inpatient.

I was in a wheelchair for weeks at a time because my heart rate was so low and i wasnt allowed any activity, but that didnt stop me from exercising in my room or getting up to walk around whenever i could. However because they knew i struggled with an exercise addiction they were quick to put an activity monitor on me which i would have on for 3 days and it monitored how much activity i did during the days. I laugh at it now, because i always took the monitor off and then said "it wasnt working" and i also didnt care what the monitor said, i kept going with my exercise anyway, though the staff knew exactly what i was doing and kept trying to catch me in the act.
  While at Mando there could go days on end when i didnt have a single visitor or didnt get to see daylight. Instead when i wasnt eating or lying down resting after a meal i would stare at my computer screen. I did alot of writing while at Mando, i wrote anything from 3-12 pages (diary pages) a day while at Mando. I wrote my feelings, my thoughts, my suicide plans, my escape plans. I wrote how much i hated myself, how much i hated Mando, how much i hated food, how much i hated my body. I was angry all the time, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at everything because i wished that everyone could leave me alone so that i could just continue with what i was doing and not have to feel all the anxiety and guilt all the time. But i know now that if people had just left me alone like i had wished, then i wouldnt be here now because i would have had heart failure or organ failure due to what i was putting my body through each day. I wouldnt have lasted, my body would have given up. So Mando was my saviour even if it took a year of treatment there to finally want to recover and even then it wasnt a smooth sail, but a relapse as well.

Why am i writing this? Because sometimes i cant believe that i had to sit in a wheel chair because my heart rate was so low, that i had to have activity monitors on me because i couldnt sit down or be still or because i had to have tube feeding because i refused to eat. It feels like so long ago, and it was long ago, 4-5 years ago. But at the same time, that is not that long ago... 25% of my life was spent sick and hating myself. 2,5 years of my life was spent in different treatment centres. 2 years of missed school due to my illnesses.

However, time passes and time heals all wounds. I can still get nightmares where i am locked back in Mando and screaming for help. I have times where i feel huge regret and guilt for what i put my family through and times i get angry at myself for wasting my life, but at the same time what i went through has made me who i am today. And i know that in some ways it has made my family stronger as well.

Instead of posting pictures from when i was ill and underweight, because there are so many of them in past posts i am just going to post a few from now, from a healthier and happier me. Memories might not completely fade, but they no longer control my life either. The pain and anger i experienced for so long has passed and the person i was before is not who I am today.

"What are you doing with your future?"

A question which i hate recieving at the moment is, "what are your plans for the future?" or "what are you doing with your life at the moment?"

Getting asked those questions makes me irritated and bubble up on the inside. I know what i want to do, sort of but at the same time, i dont even know what i am doing tomorrow. I struggle with planning just a few days ahead because i hate making plans and then having to cancel because i realise that i dont have the energy or motivation to actually follow through with the plans. So i prefer to take each day as it comes and plan max a few days ahead, of course this can make life a little boring when i feel like i cant plan anything which is too far away, but its just at the moment when my life is sort of based on how i am feeling. I know feelings and that shouldnt control your life, but when my energy levels and motivation are based on how i am feeling then i dont want to promise that i will do something only to have to cancel on the day because i can barely get out of bed.

I want to work and study, i do have ambitions for that so then when people ask me what i am doing it makes me feel like i am a bit of a failure. As if i just graduated high school and then choosing to do nothing, and maybe in a sense i am choosing "nothing" but that is also what i feel that i need right now. My summer wasnt relaxing. I didnt get to relax or de stress after all the months of stress... i was always looking into the future, waiting for replies from school, anxious about wanting to start searching for jobs... and i just didnt relax. So it feels like now, i am finally relaxing in a sense. I have no where to be, nothing i have to do. I can do whatever i feel like, i have no time pressure (sometimes i do, but most of the time i dont) and it is nice. This is what i need... to not feel pressured to be somewhere at a certain time, to feel myself stressing again. Because i cant cope with stress, i have tried different techniques but nothing has worked for me. My body and mind just freak out completely once i begin stressing and i just keep pushing through until the moment when i almost break from the stress and my body just says "no". Coping with stress is a life skill i need to learn and will hopefully learn to deal with some point in my life, because i cant avoid stress, but learning to cope with it so it doesnt break me is important.

But back to the main topic. Will i work or study for the next 3 months? In a way i want to start studying, but i am apprehensive to actually begin the course i got in to. I feel that i am not ready, i dont want to study that course and i dont need to study it either. But at the same time i would only be studying 50% so it could be a sort of "smooth way" to begin studying again.... i have a few days to decide but i feel like i am going to leave it to the very last minute, and hopefully i will still be able to say no if i choose to not study. But the only reason i might study is because i hate when people ask me what i am doing. Then i could say that i am studying and not feel so worthless when i say that i amnt doing so much at the moment. All i am doing is waiting..... waiting until next year when hopefully i can begin studying for real and studying what i want to study.

But for now, when my life is controlled by how i am feeling, i am not so excited about throwing myself back into stress and studying, even if it would be good with routines. I feel like i need these 3 months to just do "nothing" and to enjoy it, because when i begin something then i go 150% in and dont always allow myself the mental rest i need.

Anyway, i felt i needed to get this off my chest... write out my irritation and maybe some of you can relate. Especially when you are in recovery and not allowed to work or go to school (or dont have the energy) then it can be tough when people ask you what you are doing... when in actuality you are fighting a war in your head everyday and fighting for your health, that is not an easy thing.... maybe i should remind myself of that as well, that i amnt doing "Nothing". I am infact doing quite alot each day, as well as fighting a war in my head and just the fact that i get up each day is an accomplishment.

Facing fears and restrictions

Recently i have had alot of people emailing me and telling me that they are too scared to face their fears and fear foods, too scared to increase their meal plan or eat more.Or they are only drinking supplement drinks because they are too scared of food.

And i understand you, but i also think its important for YOU to just pause for a second and think rationally. Ask yourselfWhy is this thing scaring you?
  Whether its a fear food, skipping exercise, sleeping in, resting, doing something spontaneous, eating at different times or whatever your fears are.

Ask yourself why they scare you...whats the worst thing that could happen if you eat a fear food, or you dont work out or you sleep in etc what is it about that certain thing that scares you? You cant let your mind negaitvely control you. These restrictions you have on yourself, they hold you back from living life.

I am friends with quite a few people who have recovered from their eating disorder - some from anorexia, some from orthorexia and some from binge eating or bulimia. And you know what they - and myself all have in common? We faced our fears and overcame our restrictions. Food no longer became the enemy. Our bodies werent somthing we hated anymore because we realised there is more to life than just our bodies, food and exercise.

To be fully recovered you CANT keep ED behaviour. If you feel compelled to do 100 squats and sit ups each night, then stop with that. Do you want to be 50 years old and compelled to do exercise each night before you go to bed? Or you have to fill your plate with 80% salad and 20% protein... well what will happen if you to someones house for dinner or you go out to eat or you travel... then you cant always make your own food and its important to be able to let others make food for you.

And with food and being scared to eat it or eat more... i wish i could just drill into your head that you shouldnt be scared of food. And if you eat very little because you are scared to eat more and you gain weight while eating very little then you WILL have ALOT of problems when you are a healthy weight. Your metabolism wont recover, it will still be slow meaning that you wont be able to eat the amount that your body needs. Your body will still be in starvation mode despite being a healthyweight.
Think... do you want to be a healthy weight and still be scared to eat? Scared to eat a cooked meal, scared to a cheese sandwich, scared to go out and eat with others. Feel the need to compensate just because you ate something different or ate something more?

None of that is healthy... and until you realise that those things arent healthy, they are keeping you back from recovery. That being scared of food, scared of resting, scared of living life... well then you will still live a life of routine and in these 4 walls.

You need to FACE your fears. And over come your restrictions, This is the thing that makes you healthy... forget the weight, forget about weight gain for a while. Just think about your thoughts, your habits, your actions... its THOSE that are the factors or healthy or not. You can be a healthy weight or overweight but have very restrictive and eating disordered actions and thoughts. And its THOSE that arent healthy. You need to overcome your fears.... No one else can do it for you. But you need to realise that fears hold you back from life and that the things you are scared of, you shouldnt be.

More people are scared of becoming fat or more scared of food than they are of dying. And that is just messed up. Food is a basic requirement .- something which you NEED to live.Its not a privelage or a choice.. its something you NEED.

Whenever you are struggling look at these quotes and remember them. Remember that you CAN overcome your fears and ask yoruself - What is it that you are actually scared of and what is the worst thing that could go wrong?

Vegetarian meal ideas

Roasted Root Vegetable, Red Rice and Lentil Stew

bean and zucchini burgers

Cauliflower fritters - RECIPE

Guacamole / Recipe
Guacamole / Recipe

Chickpea Shawarma Sandwich / Recipe
Chickpea Shawarma Sandwich / Recipe

Tofu and mushroom burritos / Recipe
Tofu and mushroom burritos / Recipe

Vegan avocado fries with cilantro lemon dip /Recipe

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Anxiety gif masterpost

If you have anxiety these gifs might help you to try to calm down.

Breathe in and out with this box

Follow the brush with your eyes
“Press” this button
Follow the brush with your eyes (again) 

Reward system

Something which is working well for me at the moment is a sort of "reward system". It's a form of motivation for me to get stuff done, otherwise I wouldn't get anything done... I wouldn't do anything or leave the house.

But I tell myself that 1) waking up early (to make sure that I am tired in the evenings and go to sleep early) means that I get to eat a delicious breakfast.

2) if I work hard in the morning, via emails, blogging etc then my reward is that I get to go to the gym. If I keep putting off things in the morning then it will take even longer until I get to workout, so by having that as my reward I work productively.

3) then my reward after the gym is that u get to watch series.

4) then there is of course housework to do each day. Which really isn't that bad or hard for me to do because I know I am helping others in the house and something I know I need to do. But my reward for doing that is rest time and knowing I've done something productive and helpful so if I just want to rest then I can do that.

5) then there is some evening work I need to do again and I reward myself by getting blogging done for the evening and hopefully the following  morning so then I can just rest and watch series for the evening.

It works for me to have rewards though at times it doesn't because I reward myself before actually doing anything. ... and then I just don't feel productive at all and well, what is there to do or work for if there is no reward! ! Haha.

Not everyone works like this, but I've always been like this, I need some type of goal or reward. And rewards ca just be small things such as after studying 3 hours I buy myself a questbar or after a tough day at hospital I get to come home and watch a series.  And other times rewards are a new pair of shoes or new running gear etc

It's important to find what works for you and what motivates you and gets you to do the stuff you need to get done!

p.s, i seriously do this all the time, so sometimes it takes a while to reply because i have mentally already replied, but then a week or two later i realise i havent actually replied. (This mostly happens on FB messenger, so i am so sorry! haha)

Answers - disordered eating times, over coming fears, gaining weight, overcoming weight barriers

 Is it bad to just want to eat healthy foods? Like if I want a muffin or cookie Id usually not because it's not healthy so I'd go for the fruit instead? 

It's not bad to want to eat mostly whole foods and "healthier" foods, however if you always choose the healthiest before what you want then its not so healthy. You need to be able to eat balanced and eat what you crave as well because there is nothing wrong with a muffin or a cookie. Everything in balance, i.e you dont just have to eat fruit and you dont have to only eat muffins either. But choose what you are craving, eat a muffin sometimes, eat a fruit sometimes, but  not feeling guilty over what you choose is important. Overcoming these fears and restrictions is part of recovery.

Also, I'm really sorry, but I have to ask you for some advice...I now work as a full time waitress, which is quite an active job. My weight was relatively stable for a few weeks at a BMI of 19.5, but recently I have gained weigh to give me a BMI of 20 eating the same amount (2300 calories a day). It's stressing me out! I don't why I've gained weight when I am eating the same amount and being more active (!), and I'm scared that my weight will keep going up and up and up, which is hard as I'm having trouble enough accepting my weight as it is. I don't have my periods back yet (after not having had them for roughly 3 years), and I never ate over 2300 calories a day in recovery and I'm scared I've messed my body up! If you could help me out, then that would be wonderful! Lots of love xxxxx

I know you already got an answer from a reader who gave a great answer, but i thought i would reply as well. Your weight could be going up because your body wasnt aactually at its healthy weight with a BMI of 19.5. Now when you are more active you are stressing your body and it wants to make sure that you are a healthy weight so that it feels safe. Even if it sounds strange you could always try eating a little more, especially if you are alot more active now, compared to when you ate 2300kcal and werent as active... your body could need more food. Which you might think sounds ridiculous as you have already gained weight while eating 2300 kcal. But you can try it, otherwise... give your body a few weeks to adapt i am pretty sure you arent going to keep gaining weight, so the important thing is to just keep giving your body the right amount of energy no matter what your weight is.
  For me personally, my goal weight from Mando was BMI 18.5 but then when i began working out instead of losing weight i gained weight and my body settled on a BMI of around 19/19.5 and thats where it stayed and also when i got my period back, and then when i began strength training i gained muscle and so my BMI went up more to around 20/21. BMI and weight are just numbers, the important thing is that your body functions properly and is healthy, but also that you can live an energetic and happy life. If you havent gotten your period back, then it means that your body isnt healthy and your weight might not be healthy either. Like the anonymous said in the comment they left, after you have suffered with a restrictive eating disorder you usually need to weigh a little more than you did before you had the eating disorder (if you had a lower weight pre ED) as the body has been through so much and needs to make sure it is safe. Dont panic too much about the weight gain, try to just focus on living life, on work, on eating enough and overcoming the fears and restrictions you might have. If your weight keeps going up and you have no idea why, then you can deal with that later on... but for now i dont think it will lead to that, especially not if you are eating very little (i.e 2300 kcal isnt alot if you have a very active job) and doing alot during the days.

This year has been too long with too much work. So the last part is always the hardest to push through and I just can't get any food into me when I feel like this. You don't think you have any ideas on what one can do to help push through and gain some energy and motivation to eat?'

Well the first thing to remember is that if you dont eat, or dont eat enough times will feel even tougher. Because without food you wont have energy and things will feel harder and tougher. So you need to eat even if you dont feel like it. Eat more high calorie foods if you struggle with eating more. Other things you can do is set some fun goals, things you can aim to achieve and maybe have some rewards for reaching those goals... it can be any type of goal. Social, physical (not meaning chane your body, but maybe you've always wanted to do a handstand or run a5km race or try dancing etc) or mental goals. Try something new during these last few months. Write a list of things you want to achieve by the end of 2015 or maybe a little bucketlist for the next 3 months.
   Plan some fun things for the future, things to look forward to. Maybe a weekend away somewhere, or going to a concert or going to a themepark or something fun... that can always be a great motivator! Or plan something fun for Halloween, Christmas and New Years! If you have fun things to look forward to you can feel more motivated to live and do stuff and that means also eating so you have energy.

You can also try new recipes, new snack ideas etc to keep you eating. Otherwise if you really struggle with eating then try to follow a meal plan, then it means that you eat at certain times and know you have to eat and eat the right amount. That can also be a good thing to fall back on when eating becomes a struggle, but eventually being able to eat more freely is the goal as you shouldnt follow a meal plan for the rest of your life. But try to find motivation for life and living life and then eaitng is part of that!!

i always seem to have a baby belly and by evening it's rock solid and this stops me going out as i am so embarrassed and i always check my stomach 1st thing in morning to see how big i am and I'm always big then too. I'm finding it so so upsetting and all my clothes don't fit they are super tight round the middle and i still have loads of kgs to put on but I'm already a size 8/10 around the middle so scared I'm going to be obese i can't cope

The first thing is that it sounds like you do alot of body checking which isnt good. Always looking in the mirror or always looking at your stomach is a sign of an unhealthy mindset. You are more than your stomach and it really isnt as bad as you think. At the moment your thoughts and your life might revolve around your body and food  but there is more to life than that and you are more than your body. I am not sure how far you are in recovery, but it sounds like you have extreme bloating which is tough... but you are not alone with that struggle. Most people in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder go through extreme bloating when the belly is big and very bloated and hard, but it will pass. The important thing is that you keep eating your meals and getting the food and energy your body needs. You will not always be bloated, it will go away and the weight will also redistribute. In recovery i suggest you try to wear more loose clothing as it is more comfortable because of the bloating.

Also, you wont be obese and you wont be overweight either. You will reach a normal and healthy weight for YOU. But because of your eating disorder you might think that is big or too big, when infact it is just a healthy weight and size for you and your body. The way you look now is not how you will look forever, your body will change and change again, but you need to focus on overcoming your thoughts and fears, fighting your eating disorder and trying to accept and love your body, but like mentioned, it will change. You are more than your body and more than your stomach, so dont let those things control you. Instead i challenge you to actually go out and do something some time in the evening, even if it feels uncomfortable. Instead put on something loose, maybe some jumper and try to let go of your thoughts of your body because no one else cares, its only you who thinks too much about it and your own body. Instead, do something different and break free from the body thoughts, distract yourself. If you go to treatment, keep doing what the doctors are telling you. Keep eating and following your meal plan if you have one, it will help. This stage isnt forever, it will get easier and get better, you just got to push through the tough times and tough stages.

izzy, do you have any advice on meal times, i am trying to keep to a food plan but i find that i am hungry at times that i shouldn't be eating and then i feel i have to starve myself till i can allow myself to eat and thus I'm clock watching and o don't know what to do with myself as i can't concentrate and I'm in physical pain. but if i eat early say then i have an even bigger gap before i can eat again and then this is worse cos I'm in more pain then. i feel so greedy and out of control and it feels like I'm bingeing if i eat all at once or soon after. i don't know what to do maybe I'm eating the wrong foods or something

 The first thing.... "times that i shouldnt be eating". If you are hungry, eat. If you are still very hungry despite following a meal plan, increase your meal plan. Eat bigger portions.... your meal plan is a plan with enough energy for your body and you shouldnt be feeling hungry, that is the opposite of a good meal plan. And even if you are getting enough energy and gaining weight, you can still increase., the body adapts and needs more food. Especially if you have been restricting, then your body wants food, it has been stressed and been in starvation mode then it wants to make sure it gets enough energy so that it can repair your body and maybe the internal damage that has been done. So my first suggestion if you feel that you dont want to eat at random times is to increase your portions at each meal and aim for 5-7 meals per day. Eat so that you feel full, because no... you cant concentrate when you are hungry. Your body is telling you that it needs energy and so you need to listen to that, but if you feel full after your meal then you should be able to do and concentrate on other things and then when its time for another meal you eat that meal and feel full again.

You are NOT greedy in recovery. You are eating what your body needs and it is not binging either. Your body does need alot of food and needs food all through out the day. Like ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING. All humans need food, several times per day. That is not greedy, that is survival.... its like feeling greedy because you are breathing too much air.

You need to overcome the fears and the restrictions, because you can eat at random times... its just that you are scared and not allowing yourself to. But you need to learn that hunger is not a bad thing and you dont need to punish yourself. You dont need to watch the clock either for when you can eat, you eat when you are hungry. Because that is what normal people do. For a normal person they eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full (and sometimes eat something more because it tastes so good!). So somedays they eat lunch at 11pm and other times at 2pm, sometimes they eat dinner at 4.30pm other times at 8.30pm... it all depends and is different each day. There does not have to be a certain amout  of time between meals, the important thing is that you eat when your body tells you that you are hungry. This is a learning process and the first step is to try to listen to your body. Eat something inbetween your normal meals if you are hungry, but start with increasing all your meals and make sure to eat 5-7 meals per day. 

It can also be helpful to ask yourself... what is it that scares you? What is the worst thing that can happen if you eat at different times/eat when you are actually hungry?

Below are posts which might be helpful for you:

hi izzy i don't know if you could offer any advice but i was wondering if you had on how to cope with going over certain markers or weights that mean something. Im really struggling to get over weights that have some significance to me and thus feel I'm in a constant state of fear about increasing my meal plan as i want to gain weight but i don't want to hit these numbers. it's proving a bit of a barrier thanks x

It can be important to remember that either way, you will eventually have to gain the weight. Whether it takes you 2 years to do it becuase you keep going up and down or whether you decide to do it in a few months, but you dont want to spend your whole life trying to gain weight. It is better to reach your healthy weight and focus on accepting and loving yourself and your body and trying to live life. But the first step is to know what your goal weight is and to accept that. Once you have done that it can be a little easier because you know that whether you like it or not, that goal weight is the weight you have to be and you have to reach that weight.
  But with those weights that "mean something" know that they are just a number and dont actually mean that much.... You might have a weight which your ED told you that you would never weigh more than, but that is just a number... just like age or height, weight doesnt have that much more significance. It is just society that has told us that weight is super important and that there are certain numbers that are "good". If i were you i would recommend that you dont see the number when being weighed, if you are in treatment say that you dont want to see the number, because then you dont have to know how much you weigh and all you focus on is reaching your healthy weight (but it is also important to know that doctors and calculators cant actually tell you your real healthy weight. They can give you a rough estimate, but where your body lands and settles might be +/- that weight, so dont get too caught up on numbers. The important thing is that your body and mind are healthy, you feel you have energy and can live life and your body functions properly. Those are the main things, not the actual number). However, if you dont go to treatment and you have to weigh yourself and see the number then try to disconnect from the number... see it as any type of number. Hvae some type of mantra and remind yourself that you need to gain the weight, whether it takes you x months or y months to do it. Its your life you are wasting by refusing to gain weight and hence refusing to recover. This is a mental barrier you need to cross, a mental challenge and you need to ask yourself why are those numbers so important? Why are they holding you back from true recovery and being able to live a healthy and happy life? In the end they are just numbers.... if you were to weigh yourself on the moon or on Mars or some other planet you would weigh very differently. One way or another you need to overcome these barriers and know that you are more than your body and more than your weight.... weight does NOT define you.

When i was in recovery i told myself and my case manager that if i ever weighed more than 55kg i would kill myself. I told them that i wouldnt weigh that much, that i would look huge, i would be over weight. But my goal wieght was 58-60kg and that terrified me... the amount of times i cried and begged my case manage to lower my goal weight is crazy. I cried, i had panic attacks i had anxiety and wanted to jump off a bridge just because my weight was going to be "too much". But in the end, i focused on recovery and knew that one way or another i would have to weigh 58-60kg, i had no other option. And now i weigh around 63-66kg, which is something i never ever thought would happen or that i would be ok with it. But now weight just doesnt mean so much to me... its a number and as long as it doesnt shoot up for some reason or decrease too much for some reason then it doesnt matter. As long as i feel healthy and happy (and know that my weight is an ok weight for me) then it doesnt matter if the scale says X or Y.

Left: When i weighed around 53/55 and said i would never weigh more than that
Right: Weigh around 63-66kg now and happier and healthier than ever :)

Be careful about what you expose yourself to everyday (social media)

Recently i have been thinking about social media - or well, i always think about it as i am an avid user of social media - but thinking about what i expose myself to everyday. What accounts do i follow and what pictures or texts do i see everyday. Why do i follow them? Are they positive ones which can add something to my life, whether its just a delicious meal idea or add creativity to meals or maybe they post inspiring pictures or texts, or maybe its someone i just enjoy following their progress and journey.

I have always said that you should be careful on the Internet and what accounts you follow, because unconsciously they can affect you and your thoughts. If you follow lots of recovery accounts and all you see are underweight people then that will skew your body image even more because that will become normal for you... other people are very skinny and underweight and you begin to feel huge or you think, if others can look like that, so can I. When infact it isnt a healthy body weight.

It is also important to remember that if you are following lots of "fitness" accounts or people who are competing in fitness shows then they go on extreme diets and do lots of exercise and the way they look while on the diet and then while on the scene is not how they always look or how a healthy body should look. When people compete in fitness, the day of the show and maybe even the weeks before they are far from healthy - and i have heard many people who compete in fitness say this themselves. They reach a point of starving their bodies, lots of exercise, very little water and salt and then on the day of the show, little water but lots of sugary foods all the while having an extremely low body fat percent and low weight. Then once the show is over many can gain 5-10kg within just a few days/weeks because the body was so starved and the person just wants to eat and eat and eat.

Why did i write that? Because i follow many of those accounts and unconsciously it has affected me.... when you begin thinking that a low fat percent is ok because you see it all the time, then you know its not good. But also many of the accounts i follow are girls who are preparing for bikini fitness competitions and have very little fat percent but have had a boob job so they have bigger boobs... and the more i see the pictures the more i think, i wish my boobs were bigger (haha). Unconsciously begin thinking that you arent good enough... when infact, i know that i am good enough. I love my body the way it is and i dont feel the need to lose body fat or to have lots of muscle, my goal is to be happy and healthy and enjoy what i am doing, and that is how i am now. So these thoughts are silly ones... but because of what i have exposed myself to everyday, it has affected my thoughts.

Those accounts arent bad, they are sharing their journey just like anyone else. And i am sure they  inspire many people, but for me... its not really something i want to expose myself too much to at the moment. Before it was never a problem, but when i feel low then i want to follow accounts that inspire me and spread positivity.

I am writing this post because i want you to think about what accounts do you follow and why? Do they add something positive to your life? Do they help or inspire you in any way or do they just bring you down? Even if you are "Mutuals" you can always unfollow, even if it might feel tough... but if you find that seeing some type of pictures trigger you... then unfollow. Though its also important to mention that you actually have to face triggers and not just run/hide from them. But sometimes some accounts dont trigger you, they just leave you with negative feelings and thoughts. But also, if you are someone who would classify yourself as a "hater" where you keep checking up on accounts of people who you hate and get irritated by, just looking for a new reason to hate them.... stop that. Let go of that hate and know that it is not the persons fault, the problem is not them.... the problem is you. Even if someone is doing strange things, posting things which might not seem healthy and you get irritated by and it and you just want to scream at them to stop... it wont help, instead unfollow. You get to choose what you want to see and expose yourself to everyday, so choose accounts that add something positive to your life!!!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Unproductive day and an evening workout

Today has been one of the most unproductive days in a while. Absaloutly no motivation or energy for anything, that's why I haven't replied to any of your comments. But ill try do that soon :) Basically all I did for most of the day was eat. I had accepted that I wouldn't workout today because I couldn't find the motivation within me to actually take myself to the gym even if I wanted to workout. I was also super full from all the food so too much movement wasn't fun. But then by 5pm when the food had been digested I got this surge of energy and motivation and the gym was calling me... so i asked my sister if she wanted to follow with and she did, so we made our way ti the gym and I had such an awesome workout. I think it was all the food today and the Nutella ( ^-^) as well as resting all day. I've never really enjoyed evening workouts, not as much as morning workouts anyway. Working out whatever time of day is always fun, but I've always lacked energy in the evenings but not today! So after an hour I was done and felt awesome, actually beginning to think I should switch up my workout plan and do evening workouts for a while and try be more productive in the mornings.  Though my absaloute favourite thing is to workout in the mornings and have that wonderful start ti the day and then just get lots done for the rest of the day.... or just lie in bed and eat because you're too tired to do anything ;) haha

Anyway. I really don't have much to write,  but it's been a good day today!! And I'm feeling energetic and happy at the moment so it's a wonderful way to end my day!

I will hopefully be more productive tomorrow because I feel that emails and comments are just piling up at the moment and the more days that pass the bigger the pile to get through.

*pictures from another day*

Lunch buffet

The lunch buffet was absaloutly amazing.The food was sooo good and so much to choose from.
The hardest thing about buffets is that mentally i think i can eat so much more than i actually can. Its like i want to sit there for several hours just so that i can let the food digest and then go get more XD

My choice of food was pulled turkey, chicken, salmon, hummus, roasted vegetables, potatoe salad, bread, guacmole, watermelon etc It was soo good and so filling.
Once we had let our stomach rest for a little while it was time for dessert which was one waffle topped with cream, nutella, white chocolate sauce and sprinkles. So good, and so filling. 
By the end i felt like rolling out of the cafe XD Food coma 100% hahaha. But it was worth it :)