Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, August 3, 2015

It's hard to realise how sick you are when you are struggling (eating disorders)

Regarding my previous post (HERE) where i posted some excerpts from old posts and my thinking and i also read back on comments. And the comments were clearly from people who were much further in their recovery than me (at that stage) or were recovere and were trying to help me. Teeling me to eat more, commenting on the fact that my crisp bread with salad on top was not enough for an afternoon snack or that 2dl of 0,5% yoghurt with some strawberries was no enough for breakfast. Commenting and asking me if i was actually as "healthy" as i claimed to be. At the time i didnt know why those people were commenting and saying things like that.... i thought i ate lots... i mean i ate roughly 5 times per day (and now when i look back on my food diaries, it wasnt more than 1000kcal i ate during those days as well as lots of exercise... no wonder i ended up binging and purging which then resulted in starving myself.) Though this just reminds me how tough it is to accept comments or helpful advice when you are struggling. I see it ALL the time on social media where people are trying to help others who are struggling or dealing with an eating disorder but the person struggling just replies with "im eating, im healthy" or "im trying to gain weight, i am eating" but all they do is eat their safe foods, eat no where near enough as well as exercise. I understand, i have been that person.... that person with their blog and claiming they are healthy when they are struggling. It is not easy, especially when you are sick and you think that just eating is what makes you healthy. But eating too little is not healthy, of course beginning to eat again is a step in recovery and towards health. But just eating safe foods and going for a 1-2 hour walk per day is not recovered or the right step towards recovery.

I know it can be hard to accept comments, but if someone is HELPFUL (because, yes... on social media people can be complete bitches and comment very unhelpful things. Such as "you're too skinny, eat a burger" etc which isnt exactly helpful. But people can care for you and formulate themselves in a good way and commenting concern can be a good thing.) I know that some people are against this and say that there is no point in commenting, and now i am not talking about commenting about food or their appearance, because that isn't always helpful.... but sometimes just reminding the person that their behaviour might not be so healthy can actually be a good thing. At the time i got irritated and angry if someone commented and told me i ate too little or was too skinny, because i could not see that at all. I considered myself as too big and that i ate too much, but that was not the truth at all.

But the funny thing also is that the type of comments i got back in 2012, from people trying to help me, is the type of comments i give when trying to help others. (I.e meaning actual helping comments, not critical ones). But i just couldn't understand that they were helping, but now i read them and think... that is exactly the same type of comment i would have given my old self.

I understand if you can't accept the help or advice given to you now, but all i can say is that YOU have to get the courage to face your fears. YOU have to do the things that scare you and atleast try them...... try resting and not exercising. Try increasing food intake, try not purging, try not binging, try not self harming, try thinking positive, throw away objects you self harm with etc etc TRY IT. Because no one else can do that for you... until you try it, until you see results you won't know what will happen. Because it isn't always enough for people to tell you that things will be ok, but you have to actually notice it yourself.

That was how it was for me... it didnt matter that people told me i wouldnt be fat or overweight after gaining weight, it didnt help that people told me i would be happy after recovery, that i would have more energy... that didnt motivate me. Instead i needed to find motivation within myself to want to make a change and experience the change myself and when i began to notice the changes it made me realise that it was worth it. And i have had people email me and tell me the same thing, that i had given them advice. Told them to eat more and exercise, told them to add carbohydrates to their diet, told them to find distractions to stop binging and purging and told them that the bloating will pass, the weight will distribute, that you will feel happier after recovery. That you wont be fat or overweight after recovery, but it is not always easy to believe this. But eventually they found the courage to make the change, and once they did they noticed changes and realised that what i had told them was the truth.

Read advice and find the courage to make the change, because this is your life, this is your body. YOU need to experience the changes, realise that things will get better, because it is not always possible to believe what people say. I can say that when i began to decrease cardio (doing way too much each day) and began to focus on strength training as well as eating more, i thought i would balloon up, but the opposite happend. I didnt lose my cardiovascular health, i could still run... i could run longer and faster. I had more energy, didnt feel as cold, i could eat more and didnt bloat as often, i felt happier and actually had a life. I didnt have to spend the rest of my day in bed because i had no energy left over.... and in the beginning i didnt believe people who said that decreasing their cardio and focusing on strength training would lead to better results. But it worked for me anyway :) (Of course, not everone likes weights, and its ok to enjoy cardio. I love cardio, but doing an excessive amount of it isnt necessary!)


This post is becoming longer than expected, but i hope that it can motivate you to MAKE THE CHANGE. Even if you might not believe, you have to atleast try to make a change and see what happens :)

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes it's really helpful to hear these things over and over again...or at least with me :p When I was at my worst I never saw how bad or weird my behaviors were. I would also received a lot of those comments like "we need to feed this girl a cheeseburger" or "you always eat so healthy". They would always bother me. I still sometimes get them but they're not as harsh as the cheeseburger one...and a lot are made by my dad so that doesn't help but...anyways, I'm still not probably where I should be but I'm a lot better than I was. Just yesterday I slept in and didn't go on a run because my body needed it :D...It was a little hard but I know it was the right thing to do as I went to bed late, have been feeling a little hurt and also haven't had energy on my runs. But it was worth it because today I had tons of energy on my run and it was great!!! Thanks again for the great post! And the previous one!

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  2. Thank you for your continuing honesty, Izzy. So many bloggers maintain a facade to their readers and never own up when they were wrong. They delete comments, don't address issues brought up, etc. I really admire you for going back and actually pointing out yourself those times when you weren't as healthy as you claimed, and then also go on to discuss the thoughts and feelings surrounding it. This type of blogging is so much more authentic, honest, and helpful than someone who militantly portrays some butterflies-and-rainbows, do-no-wrong persona that just ends up alienating or triggering their readers. Recovery is hard, is often not a linear process, and involves a lot of different stages of feelings and levels of honesty with both self and others. Thank you again for being truthful and owning your own journey. You are very relatable and I think your courage can inspire others.

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  3. It's really helpful to read this as a lot of people have told me recently to just eat more, put on the weight and then it's done rather than slowly dragging it out, inching up a bit at a time. I am starving at the moment and this has been causing me so much angst and i really feel i may lose control. I've had to eat 2 bits of cucumber over my plan tonite and yesterday cos of the hunger pains, so today i made a plan to add 200 extra calories, I've been told not to up my diet by my therapist and nurses (who i have to see once a week and cause me more pain than good with their stupid comments) which makes it even harder for me to go against ed and up my intake. I'm scared of the weight gain and the feelings i will have about my body and seeing the scales go up. I don't know what to do. Friends have suggested adding in nuts to starve off the hunger, so after a week of psyching myself up i bought them but now I'm scared but i can't live with this extreme hunger neither (i never felt hungry before and i was eating less so this is all a very scary experience)

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    1. Hi :) I went through the same thing with the extreme hunger. I know it's tough to not eat when you're hungry but in the long run it may be better. I personally struggled with binge eating after and it can be a tough habit to break. If your doctors came up with a meal plan or certain amount of calories to each then you should try and stick to it. I'm not saying that you can't eat a little over what they say but make sure it's a controlled thing where you have a plan and are not mindlessly eating everything in sight and that you stop when your full ( but only stop if you have already reached your goal calories for the day). I know it's a lot easier to be told this and be told to just deal with it but you have to try. If you've just eaten wait a little before eating a gain to see if the feeling has passed and try to occupy your mind with something else. I find that reading a book helps the time pass. Izzy has also written a lot of posts of things to do instead of binging and even though you haven't said anything about that, it's the same principle. Also try and experience with different foods to see what fills you up. I know this can be a scary time but you will get through it :) Try not to weigh yourself at home and ask the doctors to not tell you your weight specifically and just for them to say good you're staying on track or you need to eat a little more. Now I know I'm not a doctor and that this is just based off of personal experience but I hope it helps a little :) Stay strong and know that people do recover and that ed is just a jerk and that the extreme hunger will go away, it just takes time. Good luck :)

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    2. thank you but i do not binge unless u count the xtra 2 pieces of cucumber i had the other day. I'm on less than 1600 kcals a day, and i came up with the plan not the hospital so have been having to manage my own increases. tonite i upped my potatoes which was really hard but i did it. i didn't manage the other increases but i may implement these next week, i feel greedy but i also want to be better too. gotta keep fighting thanks for your reply x

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