Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, August 8, 2015

Feeling greedy, fat or lazy

While in recovery i experienced alot of feelings of guilt, laziness and fatness. Three negative feelings which made it hard to progress forward because every time i ate i felt greedy. Every time my mum took Daisy for a walk or my sister went to the gym i felt lazy. Every time i ate, every time i didnt exercise i felt fat. These constant feelings.
   It also didnt help that i had to eat alot almost a yogurt packet and juice packet per day. When i was at Mando these feelings - the feelings of being greedy didnt bother me as much. It was when i was at home where i was most triggered about exercise and feeling greedy. When i was at Mando i was in this safe little bubble, even if i hated it and just wanted to get out of there. It was much harder being at home than at Mando because then i had even more feelings to deal with. When i was at home i had 99 opportunities to cheat each meal time, i didnt have to eat i could skip meals which i very often did. And i could go out running which i also did. But that was the reason why i would go back to Mando and have lost weight and lost more trust from the staff. So really i was just making things worse for me.

But i remember one day i broke down when i was at home on a visit and just said how i felt so greedy for eating everything. Even if i was just eating one or two meals at home that day, it felt like too much. And i said that i knew that if i became a day patient i would be eating soo much food, which we didnt have the money for at that time. But my mum told me that My health and recovery comes first. Money can fix itself but not eating wont fix anything, and it will just make everything worse. She said she would much rather spend all her money on food for me so that i can recover than spend it on clothes or other things.

 It did help me to hear that because every time i was going to cheat, throw away food, purge or burn off the calories then i thought about all the money i was wasting. How my mum could have spent that money on other things... i tried telling her to do that when i was sick so that i wouldnt feel the guilt of compensating or cheating wtih food. But of course she wouldn't do that, me eating and getting enough energy and recovering was priority one at that time.

The guilt over eating and knowing how much i was eating, which contributed to my feelings of greediness, laziness and feeling fat, were hard to combat. It didn't go away in a day, each time someone around me worked out, each time someone around me mentioned that they worked out would cause me alot of guilt. Each time someone worked out it and mentioned it, it was like they had punched me in the gut and told me i was fat. That was exactly how it felt.... the guilt of knowing i was eating more but doing less was terrible. Fortunately for me, i didnt use Instagram during my recovery, it wasn't much of a thing back then and i wasn't really on the "fitspo" side of Tumblr so i wasnt constantly seeing workout pictures which was helpful for me. Because it was hard enough to get rid of an exercise addiction, to allow myself to rest without feeling guilty or lazy without having 101 pictures thrown at me of abs, squats, quotes and 10km runs.
  It is tough to overcome the feeling of laziness, but know that you AREN'T lazy. You are strong, you are resting... your body needs rest to recover. And you know what... it takes strength to go against what the voice in your head is saying. If you enjoy working out, then it is easy to workout X days a week, but the strength is remembering that your body needs rest as well...that working out too much won't bring any positive benefits.
I'm not lazy, I'm an RSD Warrior

Below are helpful posts:
Exercise addiction masterpost
Anxiety because of resting
How to be ok with sitting down

And when it comes to feeling greedy you need to remember that you aren't being greedy. The food you eat is for YOU and YOUR body. It is nourishing your body,it is fueling your body. I mean if you look at people eating do you think that they are greedy? Not really, because you know that they are eating for their body. However if someone orders lots of food and wont let you try a little or wont share a sip of their coke or a bite of an ice cream, that can be considered greedy... but then again not, if it is their food they have the right to it. Whether they want to share it or not is their choice and doesn't have to make them greedy. You are not greedy for eating alot, your body needs that food. If you were to buy lots of food, only eat a little and then throw it all away... that would be a little silly and almost more greedy than if you were to eat it all, though that is my opinion. When you realise that you are eating what is normal and healthy for your body, then it is easier to move away from the guilt feelings and feeling like you are greedy, because you arent. And you need to keep reminding yourself that until you no longer have those feelings.

And when you feel fat, try the things in the post below and see if they help:

Remember that fat isnt a feeling, it's not a bad thing. Get to the root of how you are feeling, what emotions is it? Is it stress, tiredness, anxiety, guilt? Because you can't feel fat (even though i know it feels like a feeling, but it isnt.) Know that your body doesnt change in the matter of a day or two, you can be bloated which can lead to "fat feelings" but there is something else causing those feelings and the bloating will pass, but you need to work with your thoughts and feelings to overcome those "fat feelings".

Change your negative thoughts, go against what the voice in your head says. Dont let the negative thoughts and words control you. You ARENT fat, lazy or greedy in recovery. You are strong for fighting against that voice in your head which is controlling you.

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