I would lock myself in the bathroom and self harm to get rid of the anxiety and would refuse to eat... Just because the milk was 3% and contained 10 calories more per serving than the 1,5% milk.
Also, while i was sick i stopped taking my omega 3 capsule and my d-vitamin because i realised they contained calories.... I tried avoiding anything that would give me extra calories.
This behaviour is very messed up, it is far from normal but i still tried to convince myself that i was normal. I barely new what normal was at that stage.
What you need to remember, when you feel panicked about food is that the food wont kill you or make you fat. Its easy to feel like your gaining weight each bite you take, but that is not true. Its not possible. Those are just feelings, thoughts in your head. It doesnt matter if you are eating full fat yoghurt or low fat yoghurt. But think like this, if you need to gain wieght its better to get these extra calories in everywhere... add extra instead of taking away.
You need to face these fears. You cant be healthy but still be scared of full fat yoghurt, or scared of eating cheese on bread because that means you still have fear foods. You are still controlled and restrained by your ED.
You need to fight against the fears... face them. Know that everything will be ok.
Buy the fear food and then try it. Take deep breaths and think rationally... nothing bad will happen. Its all in your head.
Why can others eat that specific food and nothing bad happens to them, but you cant? Why are you different?
Everything will be ok. You will be ok. If you face the fear, overcome these irrational fears you will become stronger and be more capable of fighting your ed and recovering!!
Dont ever dobt recovery. One thing which i kept telling mysefl while i was sick was that i would never recover.. i would always be sick. Always have these behaviours. But i did fight and get rid of all those behaviours, it is possible to completely recover. To not count calories, to not freak out about eating at a restaurant or freak out about extra calories.
It is possible to recover, you just have to keep challenging yourself. Keep facing fears and becoming stronger than your ED!!