Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, August 3, 2015

Excerpts from old posts - thoughts from when i struggled with anorexia

Yesterday i had to scroll through my blog to find some details about dates/days for my CV, relating to work experience, school etc (positives of documenting my life, otherwise i would have had absaloutly no idea about those dates!). But then i saw lots of old blog post titles and decide to read some of my old posts from 2012 and the strange thing is that i can't even remember thinking like this. I can't even remember writing those posts (ok, granted i have like 8000 posts, it is not like i remember each post.) But sometimes i forget just how open i was on my blog, how i wrote exactly my thoughts. Which i believe is positive as well, because it helped me during my recovery as well as now it might help those of you who are struggling and suffering to realise that others have had the same thoughts but have been able to fight free from those thoughts. 

This post might be triggering as they are from my actual thoughts when i was struggling, but i thought it might be helpful to some of you to realise that the thoughts you have now, it IS possible to fight free from them. To change the way you think, to develop a healthy body image, a healthy mindset and not panic when eating or feel guilty for eating. Or to get anxiety each time you look in the mirror, it is possible to change your thoughts and live a healthier life and have a healthier mindset and feel good in your body!!

"I feel fat all the time.
  Like when i look in the mirror, i hate it.
But its getting easier. Ive stopped thinking about it. It doesnt bother me so much anymore.
I know i've gained weight/gaining??
  But thats just the way it is now.
I hate my mirror image. I hate looking at myself, i hate my body.

But i just keep repeating to myself, it wont always be like this. I'll learn to love my body, or atleast accept it.
  Whats the point otherwise?

I know im strong, i know i'll survive. I wont always feel this way

I just keep eating (God... that sounds awful, as if im an obese person?? :O )"  

"I hate looking at my legs, they look like two giant sausages. My stomach is huge as if im pregnant. And my hips and backbones are non-existent.

Feeling like this makes me want to just turn around and shout Stop. Dont make me go through this.
  I felt so good yesterday. But today... the mirror is my worst enemy.  I'm look at the food and just thinking ew.ew.ew. how much fat is in this? i know i shouldnt.

I mean gaining wieght is good, but sometimes i wonder, it just triggers things in my head, that can make it harder to continue. Because apart from being slightly underweight. I consider myself healthy?

I dont know anymore."

"The thing is, i hate the way i look now. So i mean, what difference will it make if i go up a few kilo... maybe i'll like my body then?
  If i dont.. well what difference does it make, i dont like my body when im underweight, i dont like it when im healthy (or maybe i will?) but its better to be healthy and hate your body, then to be underweight and hate your body.
  Or i suppose it is, anyway?

So i just have to hope that i'll like the way i look when i've gained weight... cus at the moment, i hate the way i  look"

"For now.. i have to accept what is, i have to accept that the only way forward, the only way to get declared healthy, to no longer have the diagnosis anorexia nervosa  is to gain these last kilos.
  I wont have to gain more then that. In the BMI chart, i am considered adult. I wont grow anymore, and my body wont change so much anymore... so once ive gained this last bit...thats it. Thats final. And it feels good.. but at the same time scary.

It feels like by gaining these last kilos.. my whole body will change.. as if i will suddenly have a muffin top, that my arms and legs will just be flab? I mean, the weight has to gosomewhere doesnt it?
  People tell me that my body wont change... but i  , who are they to tell me. Its my body?"

Note: (from 2015) The funny thing is that i actually weight around 6kg more than my goal weight from Mando. And i never ever thought that would be possible and that i would be ok with it. But weight is just a number and doesnt mean much, as long as it is a healthy weight.  And yes... the weight has to go somewhere, but its not just fat you gain. The weight redistributes and it goes to muscle, organs, bones, fat etc... its nost just 5kg fat gain, its 5kg of weight.

"i hate every cell of my body, every inch, every millimeter. And nobody understands when i tell them this. I want to go back to how i was before, i want to lose all this weight."

"I want to get out of Mando and just live my life... no i dont want to eat"
"I'm so tired of life. Tired of fighting. i want to be home, do what i want and no, i dont want to eat. i want to go back to the way i was... lose wieght. i hate being whatever weight i am. "

"I just want to be healthy...
That doesnt mean its easy though.
trying to get from A to Z...
Its hard.
You have to be strong.
Everyday you fight.
Everyday you hve to make choices,
you have to chose which path you want to take.
And sometimes you make mistakes,
do the wrong thing.
But its just to pick yourself back up again and keep going." 

"DId you find it hard to be social when you were sick?
  Yes of course, i would have preferred to just stand in a dark room by myself all day. Hated people. They just got in the way.... i wanted to be on m own, do my own thing."

Do you count yourself as healthy?
"Yes i do. Compared to how ive been, i count myself as healthy. I dont count calories, i dont restrict, i dont purge, i dont have suicidal thoughts. I enjoy living. 
  I dont believe i can get any healthier. I think that a little bit of anorexia is always gonna be with me.."

My note 2015: HAHAHAHHA..... March 2012 -_-' I needed to take a moment to laugh at this answer. I was NOT so healthy back then. I was half recovered and struggled quite alot more than i wrote about. (And some of my readers noticed this and commented about it!). I thought i couldnt get healthier... seriously, there is a 180 degree change from the way i was back then to the way i am now. My thinking as well as physical health. I did not enjoy living, i counted calories, i restricted, i binged, i purged and i often thought about death and commiting suicide. (Or i guess i was getting better around March/April, but i was still struggling quite alot). This unfortunatly shows how people arent always honest on social media, unfortunatly. But i was struggling, though i did believe that i was as healthy as i would ever be. I sort of accepted the fact that i would always have disordered thoughts and disordered eating. But that is not how it has to be. FIGHT FREE from half recovery, because half recovery is very different from full recovery. Trust me... you have to keep going and not just settle for some disordered behaviour and thoughts. You can be free, even if some thoughts pop into your head at times, you have the strength to not listen to them!!!

With this post i hope it can INSPIRE you to know that you can get free from those types of thoughts, that you have to keep going!!! It is possible to be free and to be healthy!!!

Reading back on my old posts actually irritates me a little, for so many reasons but just the fact that i didnt realise how sick i still was... which of course is understandable and hard to realise when you are sick.But jsut the fact that i didnt want to accept it either.... thought that half recovery was full recovery. But atleast i am free from that and actually healthy! You learn from your mistakes, which is definitely true as i have made so many mistakes in my life. Done so many silly and stupid things but you learn from them and move on and hopefully dont make the same mistakes again!!!


  1. it is nice to say that you always had hope <3 you knew that one day you will recover and here you are, girl! I am so so sooo proud of you <3 <3

    1. I didnt always have hope, infact i felt like a hopeless case for a very long time. But these are just some parts of what i wrote in 2012.

  2. congratulations you have really come so far that's amazing, it just shows it is possible to recover! xx

    1. Thank you so much!! Recovery is definitely possible :)

  3. Hello! I have a question When you decided recovery? Why weight is so important?