Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, August 31, 2015

Freshly baked scones, resting and the "real model world"

Hello :) :)

Sitting here and thinking, I am pretty sure i have put a winkey face in a comment or email or in a post when i was actually supposed to put a smiley. If i ever do this... ignore it, and just see it as a normal smiley, haha. Because i seem to do that alot, and for some it can make the situation awkward XD haha. I overuse smiles alot and could use them after every sentence, but that doesnt look good and well when i begin writing essays again i cant put a smiley each time i want to express an emotion or a way to end a sentence!!!

How have i spent my Monday? Not doing much, i have felt a bit like a walking zombie today and i felt a sore throat creeping in so i decided to just spend the day resting day. Also consuming lots of ginger and garlic and drinking lots of tea and i am feeling better now, so hopefully tomorrow i will wake up feeling fresh. I decided to stay home and not stay at my boyfriends today incase i was catching a cold - no point spreading bacteria. So instead i decided to make scones (just normal ones using white flour, butter, milk, baking powder) and they turned out soo good!! Warm and freshly baked bread or scones is one of the best things i know. If there is one weakness i have in life (ok more than one) is fresh bread (including scones without raisins) and salted nuts... i cant resist those things, and its a bit like once i have one piece... well then there is a 100% chance that i will finish atleast 50% of what is infront of me. -_-' No self control when it comes to those things, but i am just human!!

This evening i also watched a documentary series about boy models and a documentary series about girl models. The real model world... not just the glamorous one which people believe. But the nasty behind the scenes, the small living places, the harsh critique and words they receive. How the model life really isnt glamorous, its hard work, many hours and feeling very lonely while travelling. Spending weeks on end travelling and not making alot of money for the long hours they work. The model life has always attracted me slightly, and i have been contacted by 2 model agencies, but i was very underweight both times (which shows you just how messed up that branch is). I wanted to say yes but i was 15/16 at the time and my mum wouldnt let me. She has been a model when she was 20 and she worked in Milan and did some big fashion shows and shoots so she has been stuck in that bubble, been surrounded by girls who were bulimic and anorexic, and she said that the whole branch was very sick... when i see pictures from my mum when she was a model she looked great but also very slim, too slim. She said she never used unhealthy behaviours, but back then... just like now, the ideal body image was an unhealthy one. In the documentaries many of the models suffer from eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders etc and they dont feel that great. They are constantly being judged and critiqued on their bodies, their self esteem is low and many do it just because of the money, but hating what they do.Mnay of the models also showed signs of extreme fat phobia, they exercised hard, ate very little, were always tired and survived on caffeine. They knew that their bodies were their jobs, they were judged by their bodies and so they couldnt eat the foods they liked but also they were scared to actually eat or to rest, scared of having fat... and that type of thinking isnt healthy, and i just hope that they get help after/during their model career so that that type of thinking wont take over and control their lives.

   I think watching those type of documentaries are very important for people who think they want to be amodel just to earn lots of money and to have some type of glamorous life, when that isnt the case. For me, being a model isnt a goal or ambition of mine anymore. But if you had asked me when i was 12 i would have told you that being a model was my goal and ambition in life. However i cant deny that being a fitness model, or being a model for Nike or Adidas or something would be fun and i wouldnt say no to that opportunity, i would think that that would be alot of fun. But i wouldnt put myself in a situation where i had to lose lots of weight or have an unhealthy fat percent just to seem "Ok". But if someone wanted me as a fitness model as the way i looked now then i wouldnt say no :)

Just some thoughts anyway, and before this post gets even longer... i just want to clarify something. I wrote that i had lost weight, and i have... i dont weigh myself so often, but i did recently at the gym scale (where i had weighed myself a few weeks ago) and then i weighed myself recently and the weight was lower. It has NOT been a choice or something i have been aware over. Either my body is not absorbing the energy or nutrients i am eating or my body is burning lots at the moment for some reason. So it's not like i have purposely tried to lose weight, if you follow me on my IG, which i know many do then you see how much i eat for the meals i do post, and i eat alot more in between those meals (as it is NOT my food diary). So i eat alot and havent decreased, but apparently it's not enough at the moment. And it HASNT triggered any weird thoughts, i do not feel the need to lose weight. Like i have written several times, i am planning on regaining the weight again because i know that i feel best at my normal weight and that is where i want to be. Or more important, i want to regain my energy again. I dont care so much about the actual number, i dont care if its 62kg or 66kg, but i want to feel my healthiest and most energetic!
  So hopefully that clears things out for you if you thought that i was trying to purposely lose weight. (It would have been kind of contradicting my answer in the previous post about weight loss, if i was trying to lose weight. ) :)

Also on a sidenote... if you want smooth legs, put coconut oil on them. XD XD

Monday 31st August

It's Monday 31st of August and most people are starting university today, or going back to school/work. Or most of my friends are starting university today.... and I am just like "ok, have fun. Learn alot and get smart" and secretly wishing i was in their place. But like the reminder i posted yesterday, "Dont compare your life with others. Everything happens for a reason and where I am in life now, is where i am supposed to be. Things take time, and I am not behind others. Everyone has different paths in life, and this is mine".

It is a good reminder for me to have at the moment, so that i dont end up feeling lost or stressed out because I am not where i want to be in life.

This week I am going to focus on making a positive and happy week. I have an appointment at Mando on Wednesday - first time there in a year. And i am both excited and a little nervous over going back. So much has changed in this past year which is exciting but when you are there you get asked 101 questions, you get analyzed when you are eating. I will have to use the mandometer to eat lunch, though i wont see how many gram/procent i put on the plate, as the goal is to eat roughly 280g of food (not including vegetables) which is basically a normal portion. I am pretty sure i wont fail on that, haahah. There are always so many papers to fill, questions to answer and it always makes me super tired after a while. But atleast i just go there once a year, i was once stuck there for 6 weeks without getting time out, so i am definitely not complaining. :)

This week will be focusing on enough sleep, dressing for the weather (i.e it might be time to accept the fact that shorts and crop tops have to go back into the summer closet) and decreasing caffeine intake. And also limiting my expenses on food.... only 10days until i leave and every penny counts. hahaha. I also need to get around to taking CV photos then i'll see whether i apply for jobs before or after i leave... i dont want to miss a call just because i am on holiday, but things will sort themselves out :)

I hope you all have a great week :) Do you have any goals for this week? :)

Losing weight after an eating disorder & how much exercise is healthy - Answer

I was just wondering if you could write or had any information on whether recovered anorexics' bodies or metabolisms are different from normal people. For example, even though I am a restored weight and eat around 2300 calories a day and don't exercise lots I find that if I don't eat for a few hours my body goes crazy and I get SO hungry, whereas I never felt this extreme hunger before my ED. 

I think it is more that your body is used to getting regular meal times and food. Your body has adapted so then when you don't eat at your normal times your body doesnt know what is happening. I am the same way, and i think many who eat at certain times and have a regular food intake feel the same way. Now whenever i dont eat at roughly the same time, or if i dont get time to eat an afternoon snack and just have to buy something "On the go" i can feel really hungry and feel dizzy, tired, hangry. The body might be more sensitive about not getting food as it went through such a rough period when you were starving yourself, so then when it doesnt get food it gives you stronger signals that food is needed. But i think its more that your body is used to getting food at a certain time.

Also, I was wondering if there were any suggestions for loosing weight after an ED. Obviously this is a very sensitive topic, but I now have a BMI of 19.5 and I am not happy with my body and I was just wondering whether I would be damaging my body further by trying to loose a couple of lbs. I know that my BMI is quite low still, but the way the weight is on my body (mainly in my legs and bum), I don't like it. I guess what I'm trying to say is a recovered ED's body and metabolism different from a 'normal' person's body and metabolism forever?Thank you so much, and you are a wonderful person who deserves happiness! xxx

I dont think this type of mindset is very healthy, not after an eating disorder. Losing weight isnt going to make you happier or make you happier with your legs and bum. Self love and happiness comes from the inside and something you need to work on. You are also at a low weight so by losing just a little could put you on the underweight side, but also from your comment it sounds like you havent been your healthy weight for so long? I could be wrong, but self love takes time. I hated my legs after i reached my goal weight, i struggled alot with liking them and it took almost 2 years to accept them and like them for how they looked but also like them because they worked. What they could do, and not just how they looked. Instead of focusing on changing your body and trying to lose weight, give self love a chance. If your body naturally holds more weight on your legs and bum, then accept that. That is how your body is designed and that isnt going to change no matter how much weight you lose or gain. Forget weight, forget the scale, instead focus on self love from the inside. Say 3 positive things about yourself each morning and evening, try to love yourself for other reasons than your body. Dont let your body be your identity, but be thankful for what your body can do.

I know this might not be the answer you want to hear, but i dont think that losing weight is a good idea. You can always  doing exercise (a form that you enjoy) as that helps release endorphins and can help with self love. It can make you thankful for your body and what it can do, and seeing and feeling progress (such as getting better at the form of exercise) is always fun. 

How much activity do you think one should do after recovered - apart from exercise I mean. Some walk 10 km a day, others 4 km. Some bike to their work place, ie 15-30 km x2. Like how much is too little, how much is too much? Speaking of keeping a healthy body by not being inactive.

When i first answered your question in the comments section i dont think i actually answered your question, haha? I think i went off on some tangent. But anyway.... daily exercise such as taking the stairs, walking a station etc are just normal things which are recommended if you are allowed to move your body. And then if someone enjoys biking to work then there is nothing wrong with that. I am someone who usually walks to the gym or used to walk to school in the morning as it was just 20 minutes away, that was something i enjoyed. But then when it rained, i was too tired or didnt have the time, then i wouldnt walk. Somedays i do alot of walking everywhere and other days i do barely any walking, it all depends what i am doing. But it balances itself out.

The important thing is to realise that biking or walking to work/school etc is still exercise. If you do 90 minutes exercise everyday as well as 60 minutes total of biking/walking places then you are suddenly up to alot of burned calories and it is important to eat back those calories. Not just think... ohh biking to work isnt exercise i dont need to eat more. But actually, you should.

Having daily movement - when you are allowed and physically able - is a good idea. But doing 10km walks everyday, or feeling compelled/obsessed with walking everywhere or biking everywhere is not healthy. Then it takes exercise as something good to something obsessive. Unfortunately i get many mails from people who tell me that they walk 60 minutes to get places, walk all day everyday, or bike everywhere because they are so scared of resting. And that takes "daily/normal" exercise which people see as good to something unhealthy and obsessive which can lead to injuries and exhaustion. 

With daily exercise - apart from workouts - it all depends. Sometimes i take the stairs, sometimes i take the escalotor. Sometimes i walk everywhere, sometimes i just sit in public transport everywhere. Sometimes i do things at home and sometimes i just lie in bed all the time while at home. It all depends on the day and the energy levels. Too much or too little is very individual. Exercise and health is individual so its hard to answer. You need to find what suits you, forget what others are doing. But also be honest about your behaviour when it comes to exercise, because being trapped in an exercise addiction is not fun and it is a hell to get out of. 

ED recovery problems

When my teacher talks about eating disorders and I have to bite my tongue not to correct them, I’m like…




you’re just like,



Sunday, August 30, 2015

Cafe tips, weight talk and running photos

Hello :)

Ive spent the last 2 hours mostly lying in bed, with a stomach pain :( Everything got a little bit late and time dragged on so in the end i decided to not go to my friends house. It sucks, i would have liked to meet her before she left, but i would have been there by 6.30pm, and everyone was there by 2pm, so i knew that there was no point. Instead i followed with my parents to a shopping centre where they had to get a few things and instead i went to a cafe i found which served lots of delicious salads, juices, raw food cakes and bars and other delicious food. I ordered myself a chicken, avocado and egg salad with bulgur and sun dried tomatoes as well as a ginger, apple and pear juice.  While my family did their shopping i sat and ate, though i ended up getting alot of stomach pain. And i think its time for me to realise that there are certain foods, including sun dried tomatoes which my stomach just cant seem to cope. Each time i have eaten them the past few months i have had the same pain...... i dont want to admit that its true because i LOVE sun dried tomatoes. Put a jar with 300g sundried tomatoes in oil infront of me and i will eat it all.... though it feels like the stomach pain afterwards isnt worth it. There are other foods i need to avoid as well, but i am not going to mention them here as it can be triggering to some, and well... foods i dont eat or need to avoid are personal and affect no one else but myself.

Even though i got a stomach pain from the food, due to a bad choice, i can still highly recommend this cafe. I think its a new business, but if not... try it.

Otherwise this evening my mum had a talk to me about food and exercise. She likes to have these check ups with me because of my past, and just making sure that everything is going well with me. Also i have lost weight recently, and she notices that and thinks that i have gotten too skinny recently, so she wanted to make sure that everything was going well. I am still eating lots, but maybe because i have been feeling so low i havent gotten enogh, or my body is just burning lots (i admit, i am constantly warm all the time, or freezing cold), or my body just isnt absorbing the nutrients/energy at the moment. But i am focusing on regaining the weight, as i know that the weight i am at usually is where my body feels best. I really dont focus on the number and all honestly i dont care what the number is, as long as its a healthy weight for me. But i know that i need to regain the weight because my body is healthiest and happiest there. For my own strength and energy levels, of course i am still a healthy weight and BMI! 
For me the most important thing is feeling happy, healthy, energetic and strong. And well, all 4 of those have been a little low lately, or not my strength. But i mean, i could feel and be stronger!

Whenever anonymous people attack me online or accuse me of being orthorexic or still being sick i always tell them that my family would know before anyone online. Because of my past both my mum and sister are very observant of me, they would notice if i were to change my behaviour such as cutting food groups or mixing with food or if i were to begin doing lots of exercise. They know how often i go to the gym, roughly 5-6 days a week and my sister often works out at the same time/with  me. Also they see the huge meals i eat and when i go back for more, which isnt posted online. It can be annoying when you feel yourself being analyzed at times, but i dont personally mind because i have nothing to hide or be worried about. Of course i think it is great that my mum has discussions like this. Because then i can tell her exactly my thoughts regarding food and exercise. Its important to have dicussions like that with your family, but also because if someone has had an eating disorder it is easier to relapse or to develop another eating disorder. And unfortunatly many people who "recover" from eating disorders just turn to exercise and "clean eating" to control their food, and it is a problem, it isnt healthy if its an obsession or due to control issues. But if i can talk about my thoughts and how i think regarding those subjects then we have an open discussion and she doesnt have to be worried. I do understand her, and other peoples worry, especially when it comes to exercising so often. 

Anyway, this post became very long, but i thought it was a good thing and instead of being irritated or angry like i would have been in the past, when hiding secrets. Now i see it as a positive thing, she does it now and again and it is good :) 

Onto some of the photos my step dad took today!
(Had run 9,5km at this point and i was pretty tired, but kept a smile on my face anyway!)
(Photos are unedited - as all my photos are. But usually when my step dad takes photos he fixes the lighting and that, but today he didnt have time :))

3 flies swallowed and lungs that dont want to co operate. (Post race thoughts)

Hello :)

Sitting down and thinking over the past hour or so. Everytime i run a race it feels so weird, so surreal.... caught up in this little bubble of competition. Getting through the course and passing the finish line. Everything else fades out of my mind, the only thing is one foot infront of the other. Not like my normal runs when i get creative thoughts and ideas and i still remember life around me. But during races, then it's a differnt type of run. But i love it!!

I got to the area of the race and it was not so well organized, i had no idea where to  pick up my race number, no idea where the start was so ended up having to ask several people for directions. But finally i got my race number, i found the start line and then sat in the sun (not a good idea) and mentally prepared myself. Even if 10km isnt that much for me, it always feels like more when its a race. The first 2km was all smiles and happiness, running motivation coming back but then it sort of went down hill and my lungs said no. My body wasnt getting the oxygen needed as my lungs werent co operating and getting the air they needed so it was a struggle which wasnt helped by the heat and numerous hills that the course entailed. Slowing down slightly, taking deep breathes, reminding myself to "just breathe", and hoping that the stomach cramps starting to creep in werent going to get worse. Sometime after 7/8km it got better and then it was just to keep running.... but the last 200m, i just wanted to stop and my mind kept telling me "walk. walk. walk", and then it was a mental battle. My legs, lungs and body tired. But i passed the finish line with a time around 51 minutes, plus minus a few seconds and then it was just to sit and breathe for a while.

The fun thing was that my family had come to watch me run, i didnt know that they were going to do that so then when i was running the last 500m and i saw them it gave me so much energy and happiness! And to get some hugs and even a rose from them! I love it, i love when someone is there for me at the finish line, i dont expect it anymore as i run too many races, haha. But it is always nice :)

Then they drove me to my boyfriends place where i showered, made myself pancakes as post run and now i am debating whether i have the energy to take myself to my friends house or not. We'll see :)

Btw, can i just take a moment to appreciate that pancake porn? hahaha. Seriously, sooo good!!!

I think my step dad took some photos while i ran, not sure how i looked... exhausted, but i might post them when i get them :)  

And also... like the title says, during the run i swallowed 3 flies and got one caught in my eye. Extra protein or something like that? :)

2 video posts

This morning i couldnt seem to get any words out of me, my brain said no. So instead i decided to make a video... just me talking, and also talking about emails and my blog. Kind of boring, so if you dont feel like watching that... i found a video/vlogg i had made while out on the island with my family.  I had planned to post it but the internet was so bad out on the island so i had forgotten about it... so you get to see it now instead :) Just me being me ;) haha

(p.s sorry for the weird angle of the camera all the time... its hard to hold a camera up all the time, and when i dont see where or what i am filming its even harder!)

Important reminders

Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.
— Daniell Koepk

No ones skin is always perfectly smooth. Don’t feel ashamed of your pimples; they’re your bodies way of removing dirt and bacteria from the skin.
People won’t care if your hair is not in place, if you got one hair sticking out. People don’t stay checking whether you have a muffin top or a thigh gap. People love you for who you are not what you look like. 
Don’t worry if you made something embarrassing once. Chances are that those who were around you already forgot. Forgive yourself, you’re only human.
Don’t compare yourself to how you see people on social networking sites or the media. You only get to see one side of the coin: the side that is polished and good for everyone to see.
Don’t inspect every inch of your body and cry over cellulite or stretch marks. No one will be going over your body with a microscope to see your flaws. You shouldn’t either.
Be kind to yourself. No one is always glowing, happy, perfect.
— Things we all need to remember sometimes.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Messy buns and dark circles under your eyes

My day can be summed up with tiredness and messy buns.

Whats better than spending the day in your bed and just resting when you feel like this! I was going to take CV photos today, but my family had made other plans :/ So i guess i will do that next week instead. Its better off anyway as my hair is a mess (I always have the problem of... "im going to workout/run tomorrow so there is no point washing your hair now" dilemma. hahah.) and i am feeling kind of tired anyway.

Tomorrow is my run and i am actually excited for it now :) I cant pick up my number bib until an hour before the race -_-  Kind of sucks as i love seeing the number, and just getting ready in the morning and able to put on the number bib or wear the top you get with the race!! I've always told myself that if this run goes well (havent been runnning so much recently due to knee pain and lack of motivation) then i am going to sign up for a 10km run next Saturday :) So if it feels good in my knees tomorrow then i'll sign up, if there are places left for the race next Saturday.

This evening i am going to load up with food so that i have extra energy tomorrow, always a good idea before a race :)

My room is a mess at the moment, hahah. I am not even going to apologize XD Spending so little time in my room at the moment and when i am in there i am either in need of rest or busy writing posts/emailing, so dont have time to clean my room = clothes everywhere.

Dealing with feeling full

Something i realise i havent written alot about is full feelings. There are many who struggle with feeling full, that that feeling triggers something in your head which leads to anxiety, guilt and acts of compensation. There is something with that feeling that causes so many negative feelings, but you know what feeling full is basically your body telling you..."Thank you for the food and energy. Now thats enough for now. Wait until hunger feelings to eat again." It's your body thanking you for the food and telling you that now it is going to use that food as energy so that your body can continue to function.

Of course, there are times when you need to push past that full feeling and eat anyway, such as if your stomach size has shrunk and you need to expand your stomach size so that you can get the right energy intake into you. Or times when you cant listen to your hunger signals, for example if you need to fast to take blood tests or because you are having an operation and you arent allowed to eat, then you cant respond to those hunger feelings. But otherwise, listening to your bodies signals (if working PROPERLY are important).

But onto the full feeling. Like mentioned above, its a positive thing. Because you cant think properly, make right decisions or function properly when you are hungry. For me personally, if i am hungry then all my thoughts go towards food, almost. My body telling me that you better get food into you right away otherwise no work is getting done. Maybe i am just a little extreme with my hunger, but in general until i am satisfied hunger wise i cant really do anything. In general you shouldnt feel so full that you are going to burst, you want to puke or you cant even move... that is too full. But you should feel comfortably full, where you know you could fit a little into you, but choose not to because that would push you a little too far with your full feelings. You should feel satisfied, not still feel hungry. Though it takes roughly 20-30 minutes to feel full after a meal, so if you struggle with feeling full i.e you are always hungry (due to binging) then drink some water and wait. (Otherwise if you are always feeling hungry ask yourself have you eaten enough, honestly? Are you stressed? Tired? )

If you feel guilty when you feel full, then you need to change those feelings and equate them with positive thoughts and feelings instead. Realise that feeling full = good feeling. You are nourishing and helping your body. Write down your thoughts, think rationally. Take deep breaths, meditate or have a mantra which can calm you down. The worst thing you can do when you experience guilty feelings of feeling full is to compensate. That will lead to a dark cycle which is hard to break. Dont exercise, dont purge, dont restrict, dont self harm. Instead sit still, take deep breathes, drink some tea as that can help if you have stomach pain and most importantly try to think rationally. When you struggle with an eating disorder, it is like rational thoughts are forgotten. But you arent stupid, it is your eating disorder that is stupid. Your eating disorder tells you that something as simple and necessary as food, feeling full are bad and something you should feel guilty over. But your ED is stupid and you need to fight those thoughts, and know that YOU are smart and stronger than your eating disorder. Those feelings of guilt and anxiety will pass, you need to realise that eating isn't wrong, your eating disorder is wrong.

Draw, write, read, lie down, talk to friends or family, sow, lay puzzles, watch series, colour, make a collage book/board, make jewellery etc something to distract you from the feelings and know that you will survive. Dont be scared of feeling full, its a normal human feeling.

Feeling hungry = not good or something to be proud over. Instead, be proud over feeding and nourishing your body!!!

It can also help to ask yourself why feeling full gives you anxiety? It is not something you should feel anxious over.  It's a normal and natural feeling. Think rationally, what is it that scares you? What do you think will happen?  And also what can you do to combat those feelings? Don't let your eating disorder control you, take back your control!

Hopefully this post helps anyone who is struggling with guilty feelings connected with feeling full.


Bloating, indigestion and feeling too full

Document your life

Yesterday I began thinking about my childhood and how   far away it seems. And it is pretty far away, so many years have passed, I have been through so much and I have changed and grown as a person. I am very different to how I thought I would be but also my life is very different compared to how it was back then. Granted when you are 7 or 8 years old life is very different compared to when you are 19/20 years old. But also you are still so young, innocent and still growing up so you have no idea how life will be in the future or who you will be as a person.  But that's part of growing up, finding yourself and who you want to be.

However that was not what I was going to write about in the post, as usual I go off track! But I was thinking about how there is so much of my childhood which has been forgotten. Moments and memories which I can't remember and then there are some memories which I wish had been documented.  Times I wish that someone had taken photos or videos but back then there wasn't so much of that.  Or the photos we did take have been lost somewhere during all the moves my family have done. Of course even now a days photos can be deleted, ruined etc so just taking photos doesn't mean that the memory will be there forever. It is also important to experience the moment and live in the moment,not just stand and film everything and then you suddenly realise that you were never fully present at the moment. Sometimes all you need to do is turn off technology and cherish the moment,  keep it as a memory forever.

But I am the type of person who loves to document everything. That's another reason why I love to blog because I can write about my days, how I'm feeling, what I've done. I take photos and can look back on them and then remember the moment. I don't just take food pictures and selfies as it may seem on the blog, but I take many more photos. Of family, friends, where we are and what I am/we are doing.  Whenever good things or moments to be remembered happen I can write it down on my blog and it will be documented. Maybe when I'm 40 I will read back on posts and remember what it was like when I was this age. But also it's a way for me to realise that life has its ups and downs but I've gotten through those before, so I can get through tough times again. Not everyone wants to document their life, especially not during bad times. But doing that can help you..... write down what you are going through, what you are doing to change or what is helping you? In a year's time you can look back on that and see how far you have come, hopefully anyway.

Now a days children have their lives documented,  some of them anyway. People have their opinions about this, but I wish that I had had that. I don't even know what my first word was... or I think it was "mama" or "yaya" or something. (Random fact: I used to always have pillow cases as blankets and I called them "yayas" and i could have up to 7 pillow cases tied together and I brought them everywhere! Hahah.  Pillow cases instead of teddy bears!) But also apparently one of my first drawings was a 3d dog which I wish my parents had saved as I would have liked to see that drawing. Sometimes I wish I had better memory so that I could remember more of my childhood, but at the same time I guess there are some memories which are better off forgotten so maybe it's good that you don't remember everything because there are some moments you just don't want to remember.

These are my thoughts anyway!

Autumn winds are rolling in

Good Morning :)

This morning i started my Saturday with a walk and the first thing i noticed was how cold it was. The summer this year came late and was a very short one, which is disappointing. But there is no way to control the weather, instead I have to control my feelings towards the weather and find the positives in autumn and winter as well.

Autumn means autumn jackets and tights.
Spending hours in the library
Lots of coffee and tea
Big jumpers
Falling leaves
Its ok to spend the whole day in bed
Its dark in the evenings = easier to sleep.

Just some positives, though i guess there are many more!!

The only plan i have today is to take CV photos, and after that i will see what time it is and what I have time for! Hopefully going to write a few posts as i have some ideas, though i just cant seem to formulate myself and make my sentences into something comprehendable. hahah. It's not always easy. However i might do a vlogg about something instead... it's been a while since i have done one!! Someday, maybe tomorrow if i remember (?) i might do a "my day" vlogg, though that means i also have to spend time editing the video, and tomorrow i have a race so its not exactly a typical my day vlogg, but its more fun to see me doing things than when i have a "not doing anything day".

Would anyone like to see that, a "my day vlogg?" where i can film small bits from my whole day, and just be myself infront of a camera, hahaha.

Learning to cope with emotions positvely

In reocvery it is all about learning to cope with your problems in different ways... not using forms of self harm to cope. And also to learn to deal with anxiety, panic and stress. To write or talk instead of starving yourself/purging/self harming etc

Find out what the actual cause and problem is as to why you feel the way you do. Even the feelings of 'fat' they are just in your head... there is usually a reason why you feel fat - like you are hungry, or stressed or tired. Its not that you are actually fat.

Remember this! FInd new ways to cope with your emotions.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Answers - calorie intake, relationships, bodies hunger and fullness cues

Hi I love your blog it has helped me alot . But i have a question currently im eating 1200 calories should i jump to 2500 or do this gradually? I'm scared of sudden weight gain.

Thank you :) I would first increase to about 1800, then increase to about 2200 and then increase again to around 2500-2800. I think jumping straight to 2500 will be too much for your stomach to handle but also your body and metabolism need to get used to gradual changes, the important thing is to keep increasing and not eat too little.

When you first increase your weight can go up, but that is mostly water weight and because of the shock to the body. Dont weigh yourself more than once a week, and dont freak out if you gain what you think is "alot". Keep eating what your body needs and dont decrease calories, that will make things worse and will make it harder for your body and metabolism to repair and recover. You need to gain the weight whether you gain 1,5kg a week or 0,5kg a week.

I have an issue on which I'd like your input. When entering into a relationship, did you have any body issues and horrible thoughts come back up? Because I am facing that now and I am having some severe anxiety as a result. I feel so vulnerable and open to judgement and like my controlled, private little world is being invaded and all I want to do is run. I just don't feel like I can be so physically close to someone without constantly being so much more aware of every aspect of my body and mind.

When you are in a relationship i mean there can be a bit of focus on the body, especially if its a sexual relationship. But the important thing to remember is that the person who wants to date you knows how you look, likes the way you look and you dont need to change for them. Not even if they tell you that you have to change, the important thing is to focus on your own happiness and health. Relationships can both be a positive and a negative thing, but you need to realise that unless you fight these thoughts they wont go away. Will you always shy away and be scared of starting a relationship? Not everyone wants a relationship and not everyone wants a sexual relationship either, and thats ok. But you shouldnt let your body or your fear or your eating disorder stop you from being happy with someone or being in a relationship. Because a relationship can actually help you like your own body, when you realise that someone likes you just the way you are. They dont mind the stomach rolls, stretch marks or cellulite, but they like you for the person you are. For your personality and for YOU, not just your body. HOWEVER, if someone likes you just for your body.... then get away from them. RElationships just based on appearance wont last, you need to still be compatible and like the other person for who they are, not just the way they look. Kind of off topic, but you need to fight those thoughts, deal with those thoughts. Not run away from them, instead fight them. Look in the mirror and be happy with yourself. Love your body and yourself, and allow others to love you as well. Your body is not something you need to be ashamed over or feel you need to hide. You are beautiful no matter your weight or size.

Below are some posts ive written about relationships:

Learn to love your body (this might be a helpful post for you, or anyone else in the same situation.)

I think a lot about food, but not all the time. I'm scared because i don't like it, i feel obsessed in some way, bit people tell me that it is because i still want to control food and i'm scared of letting go that control... :/

Constantly thinking about food is obsessive and can be due to control issues. You dont need to think about food all the time, it shouldnt take up all your thoughts. There is more to life than food, it is a part of life but NOT your whole life. Try to find other things you can do and things to distract yourself. Find a hobby or interest you can immerse yourself in. Talk to friends/family and try new things. Read a book, draw, write, watch series or films, do crosswords/suduko etc
  But also work on letting go of your control around food. Allow others to make and prepare your food. Eat at different times. Eat out spontaneously, face fear foods, eat with others. Let others cook you food, allow others to plate up your food, eat when others are eating and not just according to your own clock. Controlling your food religiously is not a good idea and adds alot of stress and anxiety to your life, when you could instead be focusing on other things and spending energy and time on other things in your life. Focus on other thoughts.... if you have a meal plan, follow that but also work on letting go of control. Otherwise, try to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full and then move on from your food, do other things. Dont get stuck just thinking about food.

Izzy, it is possible to be almost at my goal weight but still in starvation mode? I still thinking a lot about food, i get full after small amounts, but lately the weight gain is much slower. What should i do? I have to finish my plate even if i got full when i ate like 3/4 of it? Or i can stop when i get full? Sometimes for breakfast i get full whit only X. When you recommend to start eating intuitively? Lately i'm trusting my fullness cues and i find myself eating a little less, but i don't know if that's okay because i'm reaching my goal weight or if isn't okay because my metabolism still suppressed in some way

If you have been eating enough and regularly then your body most likely isnt in starvation mode. Gerneally the closer you get to your goal weight the slower the weight gain goes, this is a good sign, thats how it should be. And generally you dont feel as hungry or eat as much as when you are gaining weight, but you DONT have to restrict or eat less just because you are at your goal weight, your body should adapt to the calorie intake. And usually you are more active, do more when you are at your goal weight. This is another reason why you shouldnt be doing lots of exercise during recovery or weight gain, because whenyou reach your goal weight and you are more active then you dont need to lower your calorie intake because the more movement/activity in your life = +/-/0 with your weight and it is stable.

You said you are almost at your goal weight, so i wouldnt be trying to eat less, you still need to focus on weight gain so keep eating as usual. Your signals might not be fully working so if you have been following a meal plan, keep folowing that. Your body still needs food and if you eat less you will end up losing weight, which is the opposite of what you need/want to do. You should want to reach your goal weight and then try to maintain, focus on self love and living life. Keep trying to eat as much as you used to, dont allow yourself to eat less because that can trigger things. If you cant fully rely on your bodies cues and they lead you to eat less than you need, then follow a meal plan. This is what i tell people even when they are a normal weight, if their bodies cues arent fully working then a meal plan is best and after a few weeks/months following a form of meal plan and the signals are working better/more reliable then slowly begin to eat more intuitvely. Meaning you eat more/less depending on your bodies signals.

My thoughts at the moment & oreo cheesecake

Feeling a lack of creativity and what to write, so if you have any topic suggestions or questions, COMMENT below and i will try to fix some posts for this weekend :)

I feel like i have absaloutly nothing to write, and in a sense i dont really. I have things to do each day, but at the same time not much is being done. Just sort of waiting until October until i get to know whether i get into my courses or not. Trying to write personal letters for the different stores i am going to seek jobs. Trying to get my life together. Getting asked the question "what the hell are you doing with your days now?" makes me feel panicked and stressed. What am i doing?
I hate thinking that way, i hate knowing that there isnt much i can do apart from wait - in some sense. Of course i can apply to small courses, search for jobs (which i am doing) etc but at the same time, moving city, going to uniersity, starting the complementary courses... i cant do any of those things yet, i just need to wait.

I am filling my days with helping others online, blogging, trying to get in contact with people or businesses. Going to the gym, spending time with family, friends my boyfriend. And also... trying to keep myself motivated each day. Trying to keep my head above water and not let myself fall even further. Each day focusing my thoughts on the positive. Focusing on being kind to myself, taking time for myself. It's not always easy, but i know i can get through the bad times and then the good times will feel even better and seem more amazing!

Today my aunt came over so that we could talk about our trip to Lisbon which is in 2 weeks time, and I am super excited. Just want to get away right now, see something new, do new things.
Then this evening i am going to my boyfriends, hopefully that will make me feel better, because at the moment i just feel very low and would most of all just like to sleep away the days. But that isnt useful or good, instead need to keep up with routines and habits, somewhat anyway! Anyway, focus on the positive instead of the negative. Tomorrow is a new day, and i am more than welcoming it. XD

How are you spending your Friday?