Wanting to colour my hair.
Get 5 new tattoos.
Travel the world.
Hike mountains and roadtrip around USA
Sit in the sun with a drink in my hand
Go party and dance like crazy
Spend a week in a cottage with my friends
Travel somewhere new and just bike around and go for adventure runs
Feel like changing myself, changing my life and wanting something new. Looking at myself and my life and thinking how boring it is, but the truth is... for most people they consider their own lives to be pretty boring. Get caught up in others lives and think, "wow they live amazing lives" while you do pretty much nothing with your life. But also with social media people just share their best moments and their best pictures, not mentioning all the times they are just at home and wondering why their life is so boring.
When i was younger i felt this way very often, where i just wanted to change everything which is the reason i changed my hair colour so often as well as going through so many different clothes phases. I.e emo, tonboy, girly etc etc But now i dont really know what to do.... The best thing to remind myself is that my life is awesome just the way it is... granted, some more excitment wouldnt be bad. But that would require actually ADDING excitment and new things into my life. I cant just sit around and wonder why my life is so boring if i amnt doing anything to make it more exciting.
However combined with my feelings of wanting change and feeling like everyone else has a better and more exciting life than myself i am caught in the thoughts of "the past was better". Feeling like all my previous years were better than now. I know this isnt true, if anything 2015 is the best year of my life where so many good things have happened and i have done so many new things. As well as going out of my comfort zone so many times... but still, the thoughts that tell me that previous years were better. That i felt great during my time when i was sick... telling me that things werent so bad.
Of course i know this isnt true.... the brain has a funny way of making the past seem better than it actually was. Like it puts this fuzzy pink cloud over bad memories and even if you can remember the bad memories and feelings, its like your mind tells you it wasnt that bad. Convinces you that you felt better than you actually did.
Feeling this way is awful especially when looking back at pictures and your mind tells you that things were fine. That everything was ok, when actually you can remember the memories connected with the picture and you know the truth. But sometimes a smile on a photo can make things seem and feel so much better than they actuall were?
For now i need to focus on the present, not dream myself away to the future or long back to the past. Because the past is not a place i want to be, and there is no point comparing my life to other peoples lives. That is just as bad as comparing my body with other peoples bodies - which luckily i have learnt to not do. But comparing my life with others, i need to learn to not do this. But the first step is acknowledging these thoughts and trying to change them!! I need to focus on the now, do something different and really feel happy.
I know the way i am feeling is due to the new CF medication i have begun with... it really messes with my head, it's the reason i cant sleep, the reason i am feeling so much anxiety at the moment, the reason i am feeling so low and down and just feeling terrible. But only a week left and then hopefully i can stop!!