Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Monday, July 13, 2015

Planning my future at 1am in the morning - results in anxiety

1am in the morning and my sleeping problems have begun to show themselves again. Feeling tired but no matter how hard I try I can't fall asleep - it is one of the most frustrating things because your mind screams at you that you should be sleeping but that just makes it worse because your mind isn't shutting off and allowing you to sleep. It's a double edged knife.
Instead of tossing and turning I ended up on my computer and thought I would check when I can begun applying for courses this autumn.... only to realise that I've missed the deadline for the 4 courses/program I was going to study. I've been waiting to apple since January but haven't been able to because you can only so it 8 weeks before the program starts. .. and there has been no information about the deadline. Or not from what I've seen.... and now the deadline has passed. And it wasn't missed by just a day or two, but most probably 2 or 3 weeks.... and i don't know which is worse. The fact that if I had checked 3 weeks ago I would most probably have been able to still apply, it bothers me. However after a lot of searching,  thinking and planning I applied for 2 of the courses though it means studying 1 year worth of education in 9 weeks... for 2 courses. Is that a good idea? I don't know... It means 8 hours of each subject a week as well as anywhere from 1-3 hours homework per day per course so it will be an intense autumn. Little social life and hopefully I will survive. And then hopefully I can apply for the other 2 courses in spring. ... now all I can do is wait and see if I get a place or not.
Once I shut off the computer and the proud feeling of applying, doing something adult had worn off, the school anxiety kicked in. And not just a little,but alot..... The inner stress rising and the type of anxiety that males you feel panicked and sick. My mind telling me no... I don't want to. I don't want to study or work or become an adult. I don't want to do anything, I want to stop growing up. All my life I've wanted to be an adult but once you start growing up you realise it's not so glamorous. ... not at all like you expected.
    It's strange how easily the stress about school kicks in.... The inner stress which makes my stomach clench, a sick feeling from the anxiety. I shouldn't feel this way, but I just know how tough it will be. Also the fact that I will be studying 100% meaning that I won't really have time to work either, or maybe I will but then I don't know how I would manage everything and there would be a high chance that I burn out.
   As you might know by now, I don't cope so well with stress..... but for now there is no point stressing or worrying. I have applied for the courses and all I can do it wait and I know if I get in it will be good to study.  To get the courses over with and then the other courses in spring so that I can then work and try to figure out what my next step is.... Because right now I have alot of thoughts about my future. Where to study and what program.... I like the idea of moving to Gothenburg,  new start and everything but It won't be until next autumn anyway. .. so i have a whole year to see how things work out and what I want to do/what stage of my life I am in.
After little sleep yesterday today I am just planning to take daisy for a walk, then go to the library and borrow lots of books and then go to my boyfriends place and chill there until he comes back from work!!!


  1. Your post this morning is an ironic reflection of how I'm feeling right now!!

    Terrified of growing-up; thoughts of leaving behind everything I have ever known {out of my comfort zone}.. in a short time -- that's getting shorter by the second, starting the most important educational pathway so far..

    I am trying to harness all my fears, doubts etc. without it getting on top of me and it's like you're on the edge of a cliff feeling as if you could fall any moment..

    but I don't want to fall - I want to fly!

    Years of negativity, insecurity and all the bad stuff {including physical health too, all connected to ED} - it suddenly hits you in a moment like this.

    I don't know what will happen - - but I feel reassured to know that I'm not alone and sometimes your mind can make something grow larger and more scary..


  2. Hey you're doing great, don't worry too much about those deadlines, you have all the time of the world in front of you, you're barely leaving your teenage years. People like to stress us out about this whole "build your future" thing but you're smart, stubborn and passionate in what you do, no doubt you'll do great in the grown-ups world. I personally took a full gap year and it was the best decision I ever made in my life. My point is, give yourself the time you need, having to wait till next autumn might as well do you more good than harm, promise. Cheers, Carine.

  3. You shouldn't work yourself up over this, either way things will work out! Doing the two courses in 9 weeks is also a plus, it's over sooner then and you can continue devoting time to other things to work towards your future. So many students take a gap year after high school to figure out what exactly they want to do. Even more change university courses into an entirely different field of study after their first or second year. Sometimes our plans don't work out and we end up with an even better plan. You'll get where you need to be in due time. Head up :)) xxx

  4. Is there a wait list available for the other courses? I'm not sure how similar the Swedish school system is to the Canadian system but our schools still accept applications even after the deadline and if there's space available then they're admitted in.

    I also highly recommend not working during school, especially if you're doing two courses in such a short amount of time. I worked throughout my first two years of college but once I hit university I didn't work and couldn't even imagine having a job. Although I do know people who did it. But there's absolutely no free time and would greatly increase stress levels.

    And for all of you stressed about growing up and starting an adult life, there are days when it can really suck. But there are a lot of really great days too! Especially when you move out for the first time. It's terrifying at first but then you get used to the freedom and it's a lot of fun. And with college/university there are days when you will want to quit and drop out and never learn a new thing again in your life. But it's all worth it and you learn soooo much. And the feeling you get when you are learning something that you are really passionate about is amazing. You'll all do great! :)