Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, July 16, 2015

If i cant be skinny, i'll be fit

I see/hear/read about people with this type of mindset all the time, and it makes  me a little sad. Because you know what, recovery is NOT about eating salads, working out crazy amounts and building muscle so that you can have six pack abs. Recovering from an eating disorder means getting rid of your compulsive behaviour around food and training, about being free and finding your balance. Not going from one eating disorder to another, or going from one way of controlling your food and your body to another way of controlling your body and your food intake.

Recovery is about finding peace, balance and happiness in your lifestyle. Not swapping your restrictive eating to only eating certain things and working out all the time just because you want to look a certain way. You shouldnt get anxiety for not working out, you shouldnt plan your whole life around working out, you shouldnt feel the need to say no to social events or other events in your life because you might have to eat 'unknown' or 'unsafe' foods or because it will interfere with your exercise.
Recovery from an eating disorder is about learning to love your body, for the way it looks when it is healthy... and learning to love your body at all times. Even when you are bloated, even if you gain 5kg or lose 3kg. Learning to  love your body for how it looks at the moment, not hating yourself because you dont look the way you want. Because the truth is with that type of mindset you will never be happy in your body because you will always see things that are wrong with yourself and your body. You see your body all the time... you see how you look when you sit down and you get stomach rolls, you see your stretch marks or cellulite, you see how you look in the mirror from different angles, but you know what.... none of those things make you any less pretty, any less beautiful. You are a human and you shouldnt compare yourself to photos of people you see all the time. That will lead to destructive thoughts and hating yourself because you dont look like your 'idols' and the truth is, you will never look like them. You are you, no matter how much you workout, no matter how much you try to change your body you wont ever be happy with it until you change your mindset and your thoughts. Not thinking, I will be happy when i look this way. Because that is the same type of mindset as "i will be happy when i reach X kg".... but were you happy? Did you reach that goal weight and think... ok i wont lose anymore weight?... No, you were still not satisfied, you still wanted to change, you still didnt feel good enough.

That is because happiness and satisfaction doesnt come from a goal weight or looking a certain way. Your body is constantly changing, in 5 years time your body might look different because your body ages and changes. Things happen, you might injure yourself or be in an accident or something. So stop fighting for some type of perfection or dream body because those things dont exist. The thing is to be happy in your own body, working on being HEALTHY. And healthy is different for everyone.

I am not saying that you shouldnt go to the gym, that you shouldnt workout or that you cant have goals like wanting muscles or being stronger. That would be hypocritical of me, what i am saying is that changing your mindset from..."If i cant be skinny or be the skinniest, well then i will be the fittest, i will have visible abs and preferably no body fat". That is NOT a healthy mindset, that is still a sick and obsessive mindset. You arent recovering, you are just changing unhealthy behaviours to other unhealthy behaviours. The only thing is that wanting muscle and a low body fat is seen as acceptable and ok rather than starving yourself and just being skin and bones, but they are equally as unhealthy if you workout and eat very restrictively just to achieve some type of body form which is unhealthy for you. Doing several workouts a day or several hours of working out each day and eating very little is not something that will last a lifetime, it will lead to consequences or you will end up with binge eating or overeating because your body finally says 'no'.

Let go of the thought of being fit or having a low body fat percent, that is NOT healthy. The important thing is to have a healthy mindset, to be happy, to live a lifestyle which you enjoy. Not being controlled by voices in your head that tell you that you will only be happy when you weigh a certain amount, look a certain way or eat a certain way. Happiness does not come from that, even if your eating disorder tells you that you were very happy weighing X kilo or you were very happy when you had a low body fat percent and undernourished... but honestly, were you happy?

Far too many people equate "healthy and fit" with having six pack abs and the visual of a person, not actually caring about if the person is healthy or not. Because there are people who have the desired visual "health" but are far from healthy. There are people who look "fit" but arent fit at all, because fit isnt a body size. And this is important to remember, its ok to want to improve your fitness, maybe be able to run faster or longer or have better stamina or be stronger... but thinking that you are only fit when you look a certain way is wrong. Because fitness is not about the way you look, but about what you can do with your body, your endurance, stamina, strength etc

Please try to take my words into consideration and realise that if you are being controlled by thoughts of wanting to look a certain way and thinking that happiness only comes when you reach a certain weight or body image, then try to reconsider. Dont let your ED control you... dont let your obsession turn into another unhealthy obsession. LET GO of control over food, control over food... stop trying to control everything. Instead try to find peace and balance, it is not easy but it is worth it.


  1. Great post, I am sometimes guilty of this type of mindset myself, and its not a good way to think! xo

    1. Its not easy when you think this way, but its not a healthy mindset and wont lead to happiness. Its important to try to change the thoughts, its ok to enjoy working out and having some type of goal but when the goal is just appearance based then its not so positive.

  2. What makes you different from the people who want to replace anorexia with fitness? Working out six days a week to build muscle and eating such a huge amount of protein per day places a big emphasis on being 'fit'. You said you do it because you love it and like feeling strong, but I think all those fitspo followers say the same thing. It's hard to understand if someone is actually recovered from an eating disorder sometimes. I've seen a few blogs where girls have become extremely bulky and constantly write about strength training and others are inspired by it because they "beat" anorexia, yet all they actually did was replace it with a different body image disorder.

    1. Yes I am well aware that I can be placed in the same category, whenever I wrote these types of posts I seem to get alot of hate and am accused of being hypocritical but I don't believe I am. Because trust me there is a difference between doing exercise because you enjoy it and because you ate addicted. Though really it's only the person themselves that knows their reasoning. However my family know exactly how I eat and when I workout and I think they would react if things started to get obsessive. Right now my goal is to get stronger which does mean building muscle, but if my main goal was to build muscle I would workout differently because getting stronger and building muscle are sort of the same but do need slightly different forms of training. I workout many different things and workout alot with my sister and do it because I enjoy it, however I am not trying to defend myself. Because in someone else's view I could look obsessive and I understand that, but I know myself and that is the important thing. I know that exercise doesn't control my life, I've been there where I couldn't even sit down, I couldn't travel, I couldn't spend time with friends or family because it meant I couldn't exercise or had to eat unsafe food. I used to exercise so much that I physically didn't have the energy to live a life and that is not how it is now. Now exercise is a compliment to my life,it adds energy and happiness. It doesn't take up all my thoughts like when it was an obsession. But I understand what you mean :) and everyone has different opinions.