Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Friday, July 31, 2015

Pancake Friday

It's Friday! !!

Though ever since I have graduated from school I no longer have that Friday or weekend feeling. It's actually a little sad, I long for work and school again. In some sense, the routine and then making plans on weekends or just enjoying doing absaloutly nothing. But now it's like I can do whatever I want when I want to or just do nothing. So it loses its charm,  haha.

Though I must admit, not having an alarm and being able to run in the morning or eat a late breakfast or late gum workout is pretty nice and something which will be missed once routines and schedules begin again!

This morning I started my day with a run which has left me with aching calves!! Each step I have taken for the rest of the day has hurt.... I really do need to buy insoles for my running shoes, don't want to end up with any long term injuries! :)

Today I am going to meet my friends and we're going to make pancakes! ! Looking forward to it, though it took me an extremely long time to actually leave the house!!! My bed was so comfy ^-^ but finally left the house and am on my way now! Luckily it was a sort of "come when you can" because I hate being late!! ^-^

How are you spending your Friday? :)

(Im typing this as I walk and realise I have gotten myself lost... hahah, don't blog and walk!!!)

Answers - bloating, scars, breast enhancements, weight

How long did your bloating last?

I can't really remember how long it lasted, but for a very long time. However as I kept restricting and eating little and then having to follow my meal plan again and the cycle repeated itself it made the bloating worse as I didn't keep up with the regular eating so my body took such a long time to adapt and to feel safe enough to not bloat /protect organs and such. But also each time I went from 0 to 100 wuth my food intake it was a shock to the body and made the bloating worse.  So my best tip... keep following your meal plan/regular meals throughout the day, everyday. That will make the extreme bloating go away quicker. But know that normal bloating after meals is common and nothing to worry about. And there are times you can be bloated for a few days in a row,but that will also pass.

 How long did it take for your scars to fade? Do you still have scars?
95% of my scars faded, only a few have left white scars. And like the bloating I can't really remember how long it took for them to fade.  Some disappeared in a matter of weeks, others took several months and some took a few years to completely fade, and then some were so deep that they haven't faded and I doubt that they will fade. However skin cells keep getting replaced and such so maybe they will fade.
    Self harm scars and whether they remain or not depends on what type of self harm it was and how deep etc I had some very nasty burn marks but they faded rather quickly and then there are other scars which weren't so deep but still left long term scars.

There are some creams which can help with the healing of scars and there are also creams and such which cover up scars which can be good to have. However self harming is not worth it, and you cant just cover up scars and think the problem is solved. If you self harm you need help to talk about your problems and find healthier ways to cope with your elation and feelings.

When did your boobs begin to grow/get bigger?

As I gained weight my boobs got bigger as well. You can't spot gain weight so for some they get very big boobs after recovery and others are still very flat chested. However as  boobs = fat, when you gain weight you should also gain boobs (for girls anyway :))

Have you ever thought about getting a boob job? what is your opinon on that?

I have actually thought about this. For a while I felt very flat chested and wanted bigger boobs. So I did consider breast enhancements but then I realised that 1) I don't want surgery, 2) it costs alot and actuallt I am very happy with how I look. I don't feel the need to get bugger boobs, but also it would be very hard to run or workout if I had bigger boobs. My opinion on boob jobs?  Not much... If a person wants to do that then it is their body and their choice. I don't really care what others do, whether they want loads of surgery or no surgery etc it's not my opinion. People love to comment on other people and think that they have an opinion on other people's bodies. Of course, if there are medical and health reasons for the opinion it's different ;)

If you could look the way you did in 2012 but be healthy would you? (i think you look great in those pictures and that is my goal, but you say you are underweight :( but it looks normal?) 

To start off, yes I was underweight in the pictures from the start of 2012, I was not a healthy weight and had a very unhealthy mindset. The unfortunate thing is that I have had people tell me that my half recovered body is "the perfect body" or "goal body" which is sad. But social media and media has skewed people's body image so much that an unhealthy body is what is deemed as good looking or the perfect body. 

Would I choose to look like that if I could have a healthy mindset, is what I am guessing you are asking? No I wouldn't.  I was very weak at that stage. I had no energy,I constantly felt fat, I disliked myself and my body image alot. I like how I look now, I have energy,  I am strong.  I  can run a half marathon, I can deadlift X. Kilo and squat x kilo. I can do push ups, I can walk, run, climb. I can lift heavy grocery bags, I can do alot and have energy to live life.  Having a thigh gap and stick thin arms didn't make me happy, it did not make me feel pretty or proud. I disliked my body and having an underweight and undernourished body is not a goal. If that is your goal then that is signs of an unhealthy mind and shows your distorted body image. Because if you have a healthy or somewhat healthy mind you can see pictures of someone who is underweight and see that that is not a goal and it is not health. However there are of course people who are naturally thin and/or underweight and that doesn't mean they are unhealthy or sick, but when the underweight is due to an illness then the body is not healthy and is not a goal either.

Friday Finds

Long time since i did a Friday finds, so i thought it was time to do one again :) hahah






Earl the grumpy puppy. (photo via doo1717)

Omfg cute.

He looks like Ron SwansonI did the thing. Y’all welcome.



Birthday Cake Remix Brownies


(Wnat this top!)


Thursday, July 30, 2015

If I look big now, how will I look when I gain even more? (Eating disorder recovery)

A common thought and question which I get asked is, if I look big/normal/healthy now how will I look when I gain even more?
This trail of thought isn't uncommon. When you have roughly 3-6kg your body functions more normally, you might already have gained weight and you feel normal and people might also comment that you look better,  that you look healthier. And that is just clarification that you look better,  right. And that is exactly what it is, so don't turn it into something negative where you think that you don't need to gain more weight because people are telling you that you look better.  Instead take it as a compliment and realise that the weight you might have already gained is actually making you look better,people are telling you that and you need to believe them. And it also means that those last few kilo you gain will make you look even better.

If you look at my previous post (HERE) where I show pictures through my recovery. During the beginning of 2012 when I began relapsing I felt huge. I felt fat and hated my body, I  had already gained 15kg and had about 5kg more to gain and I thought I would turn into a ball with those last 5kg. I thought those 5kg would turn me obese or overweight,  but if you see photos from 2012 to now, there is a 10kg difference.  And I am not fat or overweight.

 And 5kg, that doesn't make much difference to your body at all. It just adds energy to your life, adds sparkle and shine to your skin, makes your hair and nails healthier,  it makes you healthier! ! Those last few kilo you need to gain will actually make you think healthier,  can make you feel better in your body and even if you weigh more you might actually feel better in your body, feel thinner. Feel more comfortable in your body, I know this might seem unbelievable but that is what happened to me. It seemed awful to have to gain the last bit of weight, but I knew I had to and suddenly my thoughts were healthier,  and I felt better in my body even though I was eating more and had gained more. Seems strange,but it isn't.  Because when you nourish your body properly and you reach a healthier weight it is easier for the mind to think healthier as well. I have also had many people email me and tell me that they experienced the same thing, even if they might not have believed me when I told them that gaining those last few kilo won't be the end of the world and won't make you overweight.

Also think logically if you medically need to gain weight then there is no way that you are overweight or will be over weight with just a few kilo of weight gain. It can be hard to believe especially when you are stuck in the thoughts of feeling huge, but atleast try to gain the weight and focus on being positive.

It can also be good to remember that the body naturally goes up and down 2-3kg throughout a day due to water, food, hormones etc so the scale.doesnt matter so much.
If you struggle with getting comments I have a post about that,  click HERE.

And some more posts which can be helpful:

Sister time

Good evening  :):)
How has your day been? How have you spent your Thursday:) how is the weather in your country?
Also... is it typical to speak about weather in your country. Because here in Sweden it's a very common topic as you might have noticed on my blog :) I can't help it,I'm sorry!!!
Today has been an awesome day with my sister! First a workout with her, or well I was her PT and then we headed home, ate a small snack, changed and headed into town to go to this vegetarian buffet which serves delicious food. The only negative is that it's not serve yourself, you have to go up and ask the workers to plate up your food. So they give you tiny portions, which is understandable, but then I tell them to add more and they say, you can come back for more if you want. ..... hahahah, don't doubt the amount of food i can eat or my eating abilities!! Hahha.  So had to settle for a smaller portion than wanted to begin  with and then back for a second plate afterwards!!
Falafels, hummus,  tsatsiki, spring rolls, sun dried tomatoes, lots of bread etc all super delicious. (For swedish people it's called L├ęgumes !)

Then we wandered into town and began looking for jackets as my sister said she would buy me a jacket (as I bought the one I wear now in 2010, hahah. I don't priortize my jackets!) And it was also a type of late birthday present as I told her on my birthday I didn't know why I wanted so she could buy me something I wanted when I needed it, haha.
So finally I found a jacket which I am happy with :) pictures later,  maybe!! :)

Now im on the bus on the way to my boyfriends. Still feeling extremely full from the late lunch! !!
On a side note. ... just got off from the bus and realised I had sat on someone's chewing gum..... ewww. Why do people do that? :/ another reason to dislike busses, hahahha. Ohh well...

Making the best of a rainy day

The swedish summer this year has not been anything to jubilate over. There has been alot of grey, rainy days and many people have resorted to fake tan and tanning beds to get their summer look. For those who stayed in Sweden anyway!! I get very affected by the weather, so when it's grey and rainy I just want to hide in bed all day.
But i've realised that complaining about the weather doesn't exactly make it better. Instead you need to make the best of the situation.

So this morning I headed to the gym and it went awesome, had so much energy and feel so much stronger!!! Love. Love. Love my workouts as I notice progress all the time and just feel like superwoman when working out :) after I was done my sister joined me and wondered if I could train her, so with an energy drink in hand I made a few circuits for her to do and got her working hard!!! I love training others and pepping them :)

It's super cosy to be inside and working out when it's pouring rain outside. Though when you know you need to go outside in the rain it's not so much fun anymore ^_^

But we're making the best of the day and going into to town for lunch and then maybe some dessert or fro yo and coffee!!! And then this evening it will be series and snacks with my boyfriend :) the perfect day in my eyes,despite the awful weather!!

Make the best of the day!!

Mindset is everything

If there is one thing I have learnt in my short life time is that mindset is everything. If you think you can't,  then you most probably can't. But if you think you can or more,  convince yourself that you can.... then you will and can.

You need to convince your mind, believe that you can and of course take action as well. For example, if a person who never runs decides that they want to run a 10km in x weeks time and they keep thinking, i cant do this. i cant do this. i wont succeed, and each time they do run they just think of what a failure they are. How they arent running as fast or as long as they want to and it's like they have made up their mind that they wont succeed and so they most probably dont.  Or there is a person who never runs and decides to run a 10km race and they keep telling themselves, i can reach my goal. I can suceed. Even if its tough, even if at times running goes awful and at times they dont want to run at all, it takes them  closer to their goal of being able to run that distance on the race day. And the positive mindset and believing that they can is what helps them and helps them succeed.

With anything, if you believe you can't do something it becomes even harder than it already is. If you keep telling yourself that you will never recover, that it is not possible for you well.... then you have told yourself that you can't. Convinced your mind that you can't, just because it is hard. But what if you begin telling yourself that, I can recover. I can fully recover and live a healthy and happy life. I can eat my meals, i can eat my fear foods, i can rest and when i exercise do it because i enjoy it. I can recover.

Try thinking something like that each day, convincing your mind that you can and you will notice that actually you can.

With all things in life, if you want to do something new or different or scary, you often need to tell yourself and convince your mind that you can and when you have done that, it is alot easier. But also, you have a goal when your mind is set on something. You might have experienced before when you are worried or anxious about something but then you convince yourself that it will be ok, that things will go well and then suddenly you are so set on that goal, so set on completing that goal that you actually feel excited and happy instead of worried and anxious like the beginning!!

Set your mind on your goal and convince yourself that you can!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I am in charge of how i feel today and i choose happiness

Hello :)

The title doesnt have so much to do with my actual post, it was just that i didn't know what to title this post and so i found this and thought..." hey, thats a pretty good reminder!".  So before i begin my actual post, remember.... always choose happiness and positivity. Even in the rough times, focus on being happy and positive!!! It's a good thing to prioritize in your life :)

My day today has been quite good, i really havent done so much!!
   I began my morning with a long run, the first time in several months. I did alot of running in spring and alot of distance running and it took it's toll on my body, so a weeks rest lead to two weeks rest from running and lead to months rest... or maybe one or two runs, but not having any motivation for running. And i have been ok with that. Because this is what happens with me, first i do lots of running because i love it and its all i want to do, but then my body gets tired and i lose motivation to run. And instead of panicking about it i say, thats ok, i will do another form of exercise until i feel motivated to run again, and then whether its one week, 4 weeks or 16 weeks later my running motivation comes back again and then its just to begin running again! Maybe not the best thing to do if you want to focus on improving speed or endurance, but that isnt my goal. I run just because i enjoy it, so when i dont enjoy it or dont feel like running, then i dont. But this morning i felt like it and it went great... well, my lungs had a few panicked moments when they were wondering what the hell i was doing, because i have barely done any cardio the past few weeks!!! So they wanted to give up every second minute the first half hour, hahaha.

^^I get the feeling that i wasnt running at a pace of 18.9km/hr... hahah, more like 5km/hr, it was not fast at all today... but maybe i'm wrong, maybe it actually was around 12-13km/Hr XD

(If you want to follow me on snapchat my name is: izzy-m1 . You can see my story there (and if youwant to snapchat with me you can email me your snapchat name and i will add you as well ):) )

Then i did some blogging and ate some chocolate while i waited for my boyfriend to wake up and then a second breakfast in form of watermelon and quark!!

A short while later, after doing absaloutly nothing i had to go to a doctors appointment, however the bus was almost half an hour late. The inner stress building up inside of me.... if there is one thing i can get extremely irritated over is late buses/trains. Or well, late people in general... i am very punctual and being late is the worst thing i know, and rarely have patience for late people. So as i stood at the bus station the inner stress began gnawing away in me especially as there was nothing i could do. All i could do was stare at my mobile and see how the minutes ticked by and i knew i was going to be late. But i called the clinic and it was ok that i was late, so when i finally arrived i ran like a crazy person and wasnt as late as i had thought, luckily!!!

And then home to my place and await my parents arrival, hahaha. Otherwise i have an extremely sick feeling in my stomach, where i feel hungry but just the thought of food makes me feel a little queasy, but at the same time all i want to do is eat. Its a horrible feeling. Like when you have a stomach illness and you want to eat, but your body is basically telling you no... though its not a stomach illness, i'm not really sure what it is. Maybe stress.....

Anyway, too much babbling!! :)

Is there anything which really annoys or irritates you? :)

How has your day been? :)

Recovery through pictures - how my body changed, relapse, health (Pictures can be triggering)

When you are struggling and in the depths of an eating disorder you don't relaly see yourself for how you look. But also you might not notice the small things that change as you begin to recover and gain weight such as the smile on your face is no longer fake. Their is a glow in your eyes and your skin looks more radiant. You dont look as tired and pale and you get more energy, you look alive. Your cheeks begin to get more colour and your arms dont hang limp by your side and your legs have energy to carry you around, you begin to look more alive and not just like a walking zombie. So i thought i would show some photos from my recovery. How my body changed but also how you can see that i look more alive and happy!


(A  bloated belly during recovery)


Beginning to recover and go against my ED - summer 2011

Beginning to relapse - end of 2011/2012

Middle of 2012 - getting an ultimatum and beginning to focus on recovery and weight gain again

2012 beginning to relapse again

Beginning to focus on health and happiness again.

You can see the glow, smile, health and happiness on my face. I have gained roughly 26kg from the photos from 2010/2011, and you know what. That number doesnt matter, because what matters is health and happiness. Living life, having energy to live life. Not the number on the scale and that is what you need to remember. The smile on your face, the sparkle in your eyes and the glow from your skin is far more important than the number on the scale. You can see how i change, how it is noticable when i am feeling low and relapsing. Skin, hair, nails and barely able to smile. It is not worth it.

Focus on health, on energy and life!!!!