Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Friday, June 5, 2015

Life isnt always easy - learning to open up and talk (thought post)

Yesterday evening - dinner with my boyfriend, his best friend and his girlfriend - turned out to be really nice though the evening took a turn of events.

I have mentioned before that i havent told my boyfriend about my blog or my past mainly because i have never found the right time, but also i wouldnt have known how to say it. I didnt think it was relevant to talk about as it is a part of my past.... but as many of my readers as well as my family have told me, it is part of who i am. Also my blog is a big part of my life which i would eventually need to tell him about. I had not planned to tell him, but it just sort of happened and then a summarized version of my story - leaving out the gory details or any excess information was told. I have to say, it was incredibly hard to do. I felt myself physically shaking and all i wanted to do was run.... i didnt want to have to talk about it, open myself up and leave myself so vulnerable. It was like i had knocked down this wall around myself and i wasnt ready for it to fall down... i wanted to build that wall tall around myself and not have to say anything. But like my family and readers have said... there is a chance he already knows about the blog which infact was the case. From the second date when he googled my name he found my blog and found out what i had been through.... but that didnt change his mind. So he's known about it for these past 4 or 5 months but never mentioned anything as he has wanted me to say something, wanted me to be comfortable enough to open up. But i am the type of person who, if nobody asks i wont say anything.
   He hasnt judged me or thought any differently of me, he was super sweet when i was talking to him, even if i felt like a 5 year old who  didnt want to say anything and wanted to just smile, laugh, make a joke and keep going like nothing has happened. It makes me wonder how i found such an amazing guy, such an amazing person who cares so much for me....  I still find it very hard to believe that he likes me, which is a problem of mine and i know that i need to start accepting it instead of doubting it. Because doubt can cause problems... but that is an issue i have to work with myself. To learn and understand that people like me for who i am.

On a side note, it turns out that his bestfriend had also found my blog as he had googled me and even his girlfriend who had struggled with an eating disorder before had read my blog...... which then makes me laugh and wonder what they think of me? They most probably dont think anything of it, its just my own worries. But i guess i need to realise that my blog is a part of me and that there are more people who know about it than i am aware of. And i need to accept that..... if you google my name you find articles about me, pictures and my blog which will also be found in the future and i need to be aware of that. Be ok with letting people into my life, letting down my guard a little and not push people away as soon as they get to close. Because that was what i wanted to do today..... i almost felt it was too hard to talk about it and instead i wanted to just walk away.

Anyway, even if he hugged me, kissed me and said he doesnt judge me in anyway - he is just happy that i talked about it because he has known about it - i still worry that things will change now. Which in a way it will... its another stage of the relationship, apositive one which means it can only get stronger. But at the same time it makes me worry, as i dont want things to change or be different.

But there is no point in worrying about it,.. worrying does nothing but bring about negativity!

Just some thoughts i had to get out of my head... because after all, that is why i started my blog. To write about my thoughts, but also well.... this is a HUGE step for me. I mean since i have recovered i have never openly talked about it to anyone. The only person i openly talked about it to when i was sick was my best friend and even then i wanted to avoid it, but i couldnt. So its a big thing for me to open up... ive had numerous therapists tell me they cant help me and sent me on my way because i havent opened up or dared talk about what is in my head (hence why i began blogging). So then to actually openly up like this, its a big thing for me. So i feel alittle proud, even if it still felt hard.

But life goes on!! And now i can say from experience - it doesnt kill you to talk about these things, even if it is hard. Instead... rip some paper while you're talking about it - thats what i did!! hahah


  1. I read a great quote this morning on when I first woke up 'exhale the past, and inhale the future'. I really loved the simplicity of it, and I guess it sums up anyone who has recovered from ED.Its part of you, its shaped you but does not define you. For someone so young (sorry if that sounds really patronising!) you handle this aspect incredibly well. You give so much of yourself for this blog, that it must sometimes be hard to move away from your past? Anyway, well done for opening up, its still very brave even though its not part of the 'current' you.
    I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and still havnt found the right time to tell him about my past ED, i think because I did most of my weight gain over the last 6 months! I feel like I should, but its just hard.

    1. Thank you :) And you're right it is a part of me.
      I can honestly tell you from my own experience - its best you tell him, if he doesnt already know/figured it out. I talked with my boyfriend again today and he told me it was such a relief that i finally opened up, that he had known about it and that it was in someway a burden for him as well but things feel so much better now when it's out in the open. So even if it was incredibly tough, and like i wrote i just wanted to run away and skip talking about it. I opened up and now it feels much better for both myself and my boyfriend. So i really recommend you talk to him... somehow anyway, i think it will be the best for your relationship, especially if it he finds out in someway and thinks you have betrayed him. Or maybe he knows about it but wants you to talk about it, like my boyfriend did with me.

  2. So glad you opened up about your past, that's very brave! I too have been in the same situation and I know how difficult it is to open up, so welldone! xo

    1. Thank you! It is definitely tough, but now it feels alot better, especially after talking with my boyfriend again today!

  3. A little bit proud ?? Common' give yourself more credit girl ! This is such an excellent news, it must feel so reassuring at the same time. I really wouldn't worry about him changing really, if he was going to, he would have done it months ago. Now you both know that the other also knows, it could be any kind of secret really. It just makes the connection stronger ;) But don't overthink it, it's like when you have a splinter in your foot so you're always careful not to put pressure on it but you know that eventually you'll have to take it out and even if you dread that moment and you'll probably start fidgeting a lot while you're mom is getting the tweezers, you're better off afterwards. xoxo - Carine.

    1. Naaw thank you! You are very right, if it was something that would have made him judge me or think differently about me then that would have happened months ago. But now its just another level of the relationship, getting through something which for me was tough and being open and honest! Thats the way it should be... like people say, relationships are built on communication!

  4. It's out now and you don't need to hide anymore. I have very often imagined what it would be like to do what you just did yesterday. The fear would be insanely strong - there's always the chance that the guy will get over protective or just uncomfortable. I was almost a walking stereotype, though, so one might actually guess it without any clue, as my personality is still on the same base.

    Okay, at least you now have the possibility to reach the peace of mind. Thank you for sharing this with us and you two seem to end up just fine.

    - K

    1. Exactly, its out in the open now. And it does feel alot better, for my boyfriend anyway... i am not so sure how i feel about it. haha.
      I think it is best to talk to the person you are close to - even if it took me 4 or 5 months to do it, i think it would have been best to be open about it from the beginning. But i've learnt from my mistakes and hopefully now i will learn to be more open!

  5. Great blog! Follow 4 follow? =)

  6. Izzy, that is so huge. I remember every time I have told someone (still very few people) and that fear is always there. I think it's great he already knew. If he were going to change he would have when he first found out. I think what makes it easier too, is that you've already recovered. He's not going to push food on you or be over protective about it because you are in a good place. When I told people, with some, it changes them. They feel like they are responsible for you. What you guys have seems healthy, because it's easier to have a healthy relationship when you are yourself in a healthy place. So glad you feel like you can be yourself with him!

    1. That is very true, ive been thinking about it today and i am actually sort of glad that he already knew. Because then it wasnt like some shocking news or something new. So it made it a little easier!
      And you are right, now i know i can truly be myself and also just say that i am blogging or emailing instead of saying im studying... haha, especially when its the summer break it would have been hard to say i was studying while i was blogging! XD

  7. Im so happy for you Izzy. You are very brave and he is a gentleman!