Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Eating disorder recovery and when are you healthy

A common question i recieve is what will happen after recovery? How will i think? How will i behave?

And i can't answer this because how someone behaves and lives life after recovery is how they choose to do it.... everyone is different. But it's also important to know the difference between FULL recovery when there is no voice in your head that controls you. There should be no voice telling you to eat the fruit instead of the cookie, no voice telling you to compensate because you are going out to eat dinner, there should be no voice telling you to only eat low food or follow a 5:2 diet or LCHF diet. That is half recovery or being a so called 'functional sufferer' and unless YOU do something about it, it is easy to get stuck in that hell and grey space of half recovery. This is where you can sort of live life, but you have your restrictions, you still feel guilty, there is still that voice in your head telling you to avoid certain things or to compensate. You feel guilt and anxiety and whether you admit it or not, you know that you are still sick.

With recovery and health from an eating disorder it is not enough to just eat and gain weight, that doesnt make the eating disorder go away. But eating enough and gaining weight - if you have been/are underweight - then it HELPS. Your body needs fuel and energy so tha tyou can think straight.
  You can read about the minnesota starvation study where they saw the effects of a starvation brain and how eating so little can actually cause eating disorders or disordered eating within people. CLICK HERE to read about it.

Some doctors say that when you have reached your healthy weight and can eat somewhat normally then you are healthy... but i dont agree with that. If you are forced to eat and gain weight - then you can do that. But if you have been forced to do it chances are you wont like it and you will try to lose the weight. But also if the weight gain does very quickly and your mind hasnt changed then you still arent recovered just because you are a healthy weight. OF COURSE that does not mean that you have to lose weight just to prove to everyone that you are sick. Half the problem is solved when you are a healthy weight and if you are a girl have your menstruation back, But once again, that doesnt automatically mean that you are healthy. Because it's a mental disorder it means that it's your thoughts and behaviours that define whether you are healthy or not.... and only you can do what your true thoughts and behaviours are. YOU know what you do in secrecy, you know your own thoughts. And it ISNT worth it to live in half recovery, it is a miserable life where you just wish it was over .

So when are you healthy? Well that depends on numerous things but i would say, you just know it. You get this feeling where you just know..... i no longer have an eating disorder. Your body is healthy - as healthy as possible for you anyway, you can sozialize as much as feels good for you (I.e some people enjoying socializing more than others, and just because you are an introvert and spend less time socializing, it doesnt have to be a bad thing). You can eat normally and what is healthy for YOU, whether that means eating more of certain things or less of certain things - but you know why you eat the food and your choices behind it. You can eat all types of food and dont get anxiety for eating at different times, places, foods, with others etc You can travel and do different things, you arent controlled by certain habits, routines or behaviours. You feel happy and healthy, even if times you might feel sad for a while.

The important thing which i think i should mention is that, there can come a small voice in the back of your head at times (rare occasions) even when you are healthy...... but the difference between being half recovered or still sick is that you hear the thought, you disregard it and do differently and then it dissappears after a moment/day/few days. But that is that.... it is not reoccuring thoughts or strong compulsions for you to begin with disrodered habits again. Because if that happens, then it might be signs of relapse.

Also i think its important to mention that even when you are healthy there is always a chance of relapse. I have had people emailing  me and telling me that they have been healthy for 10 years or 5 years or even 20 years but then something happened which caused them to relapse and suddenly they are going downhill again and can't seem to stop it. So it is important to stay mentally strong and not think 'this is a one time thing', but if you ever do skip a meal because you get anxiety or think you need to compensate or you eat a cookie, feel really guilty and then run an hour on the treadmill or you begin to cut out carbs, then fats etc be aware of those things and make sure that they arent stepping stones back to where you were when you were sick!

So... how will you think when you are healthy/recovered? I can't tell you, because its different for everyone. For me personally, i know the calorie content of most food. I can easily calculate meals and guess how much i am eating in a meal but i dont do that because i dont care. I dont care whether i ate a snack consisting of 300 or 700 calories. I dont care whether my total energy intake for the day was 2000 or 3200. I just eat and live life... somedays i eat more, somedays i eat less. In general i like my body,i like the way i look. But i dont put all my focus on my body, i have better things to think about. Sometimes i am very body positive and happy and other times i hate the way i look. But in general i am just neutral, i am happy, i like my body.
   When it comes to food thoughts... food shouldnt consum your thoughts. It is a part of your life, but not your whole life. Somedays you might forget about eating a snack, and otherdays you feeling extremely hungry and you just want to eat every hour. Its different.... just because i think this way when i am recovered doesnt mean that you will think the same way. But the best thing i can say is that You will know.

When you are healthy you wont question your health because you just know. And you wont long to be sick either..... because that is a very obvious sign of an unhealthy mind - when you long and wish to be sick.

If you want me to write anymore about this topic or you have any questions just let me know and i will try my best to help!


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  2. Hi Izzy!

    I have got a loads of questions, but the most important of them is can i be healthy if i am a bit underweight? Because my doctor tells me a weight what gaves me 16,5 BMI, what is NOT healthy. But she said it is enough, and possibly i wont want to gain more than it, because it means i will be heavier then my weight before ANA. And i am scared of this idea. What do you think?
    I look forward your opinion,

    1. i wrote about this heere.

  3. is it possible that some people naturally have a bmi that is considered underweight? if so, why and how is it possible that they are healthy? ... or are they?

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    2. I think it may be possible... but it is highly unlikely. Do you have your period? Lots of energy most of the time? Are your blood tests all good? These are the types of things that determine whether you are physically healthy.

    3. My doctor said: You will have a period if you reach this goal. And i belive in her. And my blood tests are all good, and i have got a loads of energy at all the time, because i am in the recovery, so i am eating huuuuge portions

    4. If your doctor says so, no one online here can really say something otherwise - your doctor will know what is best for you. It's great that you have energy, you are doing great! :) But maybe keep in mind that some muscle is good to have - if you have your period on a low weight it means that your muscle mass is pretty low. It is health beneficial with more muscle as you might know. That would mean that your weight will become a little higher, but the total amount of fat (required to have your period) on your body will still be the same.

  4. But it will be visible or not? Because Izzy has got a normal BMI, but she looks so thin. I think she looks like a gil who has 18-18,5 BMI, not 21-22.

    1. You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone. Everyone is different and looks different. Things such as lifestyle, genetics, metabolism etc are factors to how a person looks. No two people look the same... weight and BMI aren't everything. The important thing is to be MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY healthy. It's not enough to be mentally healthy but the body is unhealthy, or to have a healthy body buy an unhealthy mindset. Both need to be healthy. So focus on that and not so much whether you weigh X or Y or have BMI X or BMI Y.

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  5. Hi Izzy!

    I will write my feelings down, and maybe you will understand my problems:
    (These are my feelings, not my words)

    (Me):-Ok, I am underweight. I want to be healthy. I will gain a few kilos. Say 38.
    (Anybody else):-Ok, but it is not enough.
    -Ok, I will be 40.
    -It is OK, but it won't be enough.
    -Ok, I will be 42.
    Sounds good, but a bit more.
    Ok, I will be 43.
    -Ok, but it is not enough.
    -Ok, i will be 45 maybe.
    -Ok, but it is not enough.
    -Fuck you!

  6. And I am a 13 year old child, and in my age, a loads of girls are "underweight". Possibly everybody. I was "fat" when I had a 20 BMI. And I won't be fat. I won't recover, if it means i will have a 20 BMI. Never!