Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, May 4, 2015

You don't see what you are doing to yourself

Yesterday evening when looking through my memory card filled with photos from the past 5 years i stumbled across an album which had been sort of hidden and in it contained a bunch of photos which i had taken during my time as sick. Photos that only i have seen and i remember when i took them all i could think was 'I am so fat'. How can i be diagnosed with anorexia when i look like this.
  Now when i see them, it makes my stomach knot and as i stare at the photos i wonder... Was that actually me? It doesnt look like me. My arms, my legs, my body... so tiny, so frail. My skin is grey, my hair is dry, my eyes are black, almost like you can see the evil inside of me. It doesnt look like me... and all i see is anxiety and self hatred in the pictures. The tiredness. I hated looking in the mirror when i was sick because a 2 second glance would almost always end up with me just standing infront of the mirror for 1-2 hours, looking into my eyes, looking at my body and critisizing everything about it. Hating every millimeter of my body. Hating myself, hating my personality, hating my body. Wanting to disappear and not wanting anyone to ever look at me again. I would take the photos of myself, not believing what i saw in the mirror and then i would look at the photos, feel like crying and then hide the photos away.

When i looked at the photos i realised just how messed up the mind of someone who is sick is. You DONT see yourself for how you look. All you see is the fat on your stomach, the rolls you get when you sit down or bend over. You see the marks or stretch marks, the cellulite, you see all these things you hate about yourself and you think everyone else is perfect. But the fact is, you are perfect as well. You dont need to have a flat stomach, you dont need to have a thigh gap, you dont need visible bones or visible muscles or visible six packs. You know what you need? You need self love. You need to be happy with yourself.

Forget the scale. Forget the BMI for a while. Of course they are somewhat important, but you know what, inner health. Mental and physical health are far more important. Loving yourself, loving your body the way it is. Not comparing yourself to others or hating yourself for how you look. This is your body and you wont find happiness if you put all your attention and focus on changing your body. You wont be happy just by losing a few kilo or by having a visible six pack or having a thigh gap. Happiness comes from more than that and that is what you need to learn.

This post took a bit of a detour, but what i wanted to write was... You dont see how you truly look when you are sick. I have people emailing me and telling me that they dont think they are worth help because they arent underweight or not as skinny as other people who are sick, but you know what... an eating disorder is a mental illness. Losing weight is a consequence of that and if enough time passes then the weightloss might continue. But you shouldnt compare yourself to others. The fact that you have disordered behaviour is ENOUGH for you to need help. Dont wait until you are dying to get the help you need.

You dont want to look back on life and think about how much you have wasted because it truly isnt worth it.

Find your love for yourself and your acceptance. Forget the mirror, forget trying to shape your body. Instead focus on doing things you love, creating a life you love and treating your body RIGHT.


2 comments:

  1. I really needed this. thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So true! I'm a dancer who's been recovering from anorexia for a year now and saw a video from performance last spring ...

    I got frightened. And I didn't see myself that way when I was in that situation.

    I watched the video also last spring, still being in the situation and remember thinking: "yeah, I'm a bit too skinny maybe comparing to others, but it's not that big a deal. Why is everyone around me making a drama?"

    Looking at the video now I'm amazed how come I didn't collapse right there and then on the stage. It's a living skeleton on the stage, a sick, starved, suffering body.

    And honestly, I actually remember being the edge of a collapse... Having blackouts, feeling completely out of breath, out of strength...

    Never want to go back there...

    Peace of mind, love... Stay healthy!

    ReplyDelete