You might have realised - or maybe not - that there hasnt been alot of blogging recently. Or that is how i feel anyway, alot of it has got to do with time as well as not feeling so inspired to write at the moment.
Right now i am struggling to make the 24 hours i have each day work and get everything done. Each day i have a list of things i need to do, but there is still something which gets postponed, gets moved until the next day, meaning that there is then 1-2 things from the next days 'to do list' which gets moved to the following day. 24 hours just doesn't feel like alot at the moment, and blogging just hasn't been on my mind. Even if i love it, i love blogging and wont stop, it's finding the time which is hard. But i am not complaining... i know it sounds like it. But i am just writing out my thoughts and also why it can take like 3 days for me to reply to your comments!! But i do read them, and i do try to answer all your questions in posts or in the comments section :)
I have also gotten quite a few emails - and comments - recently asking me how i am feeling. Which is super sweet of you :) And the honest truth, i dont even know how i am feeling. This was what i told my boyfriend yesterday when he was over.... i don't know how i feel. I have energy, but at the same time tired. I eat lots so its not that and i know i rest lots as well so its not that i am physically tired, and i dont feel mentally burnt out either... i think it's just a whole bunch of things really. I am so focused on other things that i dont even know how i feel myself, i cant answer the question regarding how i feel or how i am doing. Right now its just blank.
Despite my boyfriend not knowing about my past - though really i should tell him, as it might explain why i feel so low at times and can get stuck in my own head and thoughts - he called me today just to make sure that i was alright and feeling better because yesterday i seemed so low. It was very sweet of him, but also surprised me. I had tried to not make it obvious that i was feeling a little low, but i guess he noticed it anyway. Makes me feel a little bad, because he is so caring and sweet but i feel like i still have a guard around me. I still havent told him about my past, and even if i feel like its not necessary, i guess some ways it kind of is as stress can make me isolate myself, can make the depressed thoughts start to come back and the past also explains alot about the present me. But first i need to find the courage - something i havent found yet. I got alot of advice from some of you lovely readers on how to approach this topic and so i am going to take all your advice on board and hopefully do something about it!! :)
Now i am going to give myself a mental rest for the day after sitting from 1pm until 6.30pm at the kitchen table trying to get work done! The time just flies by and feels like i barely get anything done.
Or it feels more like i've hit a place of calm, knowing that soon it will all be over and i feel confident in some weird way? But at the same time so nervous!!