8 days until graduation

Sunday evening and it's now that it is kicking in that i have no more work to do for high school!! 

I can infact relax, rest and destress!! I can breathe and rest mentally! It feels amazing and exactly what i need.

However it is going to be a completely new journey after my graduation... Its crazy to think about those who have followed my blog since 2010 or even 2012... how much i have grown and changed. How much i guess YOU have changed as well. Many readers have read my blog and along the way recovered and living their lives and journeys and it's so fun to hear about it! Especially if you are someone who has had regular contact with me for a period and then to write again a few months or even a year or two later and tell me what you have been through and what you have overcome, its pretty amazing!

I mean i write about my life on here... document my life and all these milestones! Its pretty amazing.. that is one thing that i love about blogging because i can go back and choose a random day and read about what i did and how i felt. Look at pictures and remember small things i have forgotten. But it also reminds me of what i have been through and how far i have come!!! It makes me so happy.

Each day i grow and change. Each year is 365 days of growth and change!

Life is pretty amazing when you think about it... how each day you have new chances and opportunities. A chance to change things, make things better or go on adventures or learn from your mistakes!

Life has its ups and downs for everybody. Some people have more lows, some people have more highs... but thats life and you have to keep going anyway and know it will get better!

It got better for me, even if it took years of struggle and hard times. 

I can now smile, be happy and love life as well as love myself which is important in life!!

Just some evening thoughts and below are some of the photos we took today!

More will be posted the day of my graduation!

P.s do you like my choice of poses/area of photography? I thought that being photo'd in an outside gym was the perfect area for me! Because it shows the true me... even in heels and a white dress i get down on the floor and do some push ups or do a bit of running, hahah!!

(The white dress and white cap are traditional graduation things.... as well as the champagne;);))

My life is not perfect - my recovery was not perfect (thought post)

Something which I hate that i have to do, but have had to do it several times before is to defend myself and my life.

Something which i get accused of through my blog - and i dont know whether it is positive or negative - is that i have a perfect life. That i only recovered because i got help, because i have a family around me and because i have friends. But this irritates me alot when i hear this... its almost like the person downplays my recovery... as if i didnt have it tough, though i know thats not what the person means. But the fact is.... my life NOW, is not at all how it was when i was sick.

Basically we moved to Sweden because the help i was getting in Ireland was making me more sick. My mum saw that i was getting more sick and the chances of me recovering there were slim, so she decided to leave behind her job and businness she had spent years working on. To leave friends, our house and all our furniture so that I could get the help i needed in Sweden. This of course makes me very lucky, because the first treatment centre you go to might not be the best. And not everyone has the chance to try another treatment centre or to move somewhere else to get the help they need. But moving wasnt easy... leaving everything behind. For me personally it was very easy, i didnt want to stay in Ireland and i had detatched myself from friends and all belongings so it didnt matter to me. I just didnt want to be stuck in that hospital anymore.

However when we moved to Sweden it was another difficult journey. We had nowhere to live, my mum found it hard to work as she had to try to care for me as well as start up a new yoga business in Sweden, so financially we were in a very bad situation which made it very hard for me to recover as well as i felt even more guilty for eating as it was tough financially. I had no friends.... i talked a little to people i met at Mando but it wasnt until i started the school i go to now (in autumn 2012) that i made some friends. But it took several weeks after starting the school that i actually made friends.... during 2012 i was close to relapsing as i was feeling so depressed and lonely because after all my hard work to recover and be healthy and still i couldnt make friends. Yes i am shy and an introvert.. it did make it hard for me to make friends. So if you are feeling jealous or think i am lucky to have friends... that is because i found the right ones. It wasnt easy for me i had thought about changing school or doing an online school because i felt so lonely in the beginning.

And when it comes to my boyfriend. Well i spent many years thinking no one would ever like me and i would be forever alone.  But then January 2015 i decided to try an online site and we beagn talking and we clicked... so dont think that you will be forever alone or no one will like you, because that isnt the case.

And when it comes to having a perfect life or perfect family. That is certainly not the case... but i CHOOSE what i post on here. Not every detail of my life is posted here.  I've gone through things, ive experienced things and been through tough times which havent been mentioned on here because not every personal detail has to be mentioned.  So if it seems like i have some type of perfect life, that is not the case.
  But it is also the fact that i choose to always be positive and happy (98% of the time anyway!) Which then makes it easier for me to turn things around to the positive, to see the positives even in negative situations so it seems like everything is always great!!


Everyone is different and everyone goes through tough times. Some people have better circumstances than others... but like the quote goes 'just because someone has it worse than you doesnt mean your pain doesnt count'.
 
Yes having support and family around you when you are sick makes recovery that little bit easier. Just like having a treatment centre which can help you. But the first treatment centre i went to didnt help at all... and after a year of treatment at Mando i was going to be kicked out (but eventually got to carry on with their treatment for another year and a half until i was declared healthy). My family and support i had around me was my mum and she was pretty much ready to give up on me as well..... my sister found it very difficult to be around me, but she did still visit me in hospital. But there was no one else... so its not like i had some super support system. I was alone alot of the time which made it very difficult.
 
What i find is that when some of my readers try to tell me that i only recovered because i had treatment and support - it sounds more like a way for the person to give themselves reason why they cant and shouldnt try recovery. It does help to have support and treatment, but you can STILL recover without it. You shouldnt compare yourself to me or think that i only recovered because of those two factors... that was not the case. The hard work came from ME. It was me who decided to eat when i was alone, me who forced myself to rest when i was alone, it was me who made myself change the small habits which no one knew i had, it was me who faced my fear foods. So the hardwork comes from the person recovering... because treatment and family are just a way of SUPPORTING you, trying to make you do the right thing. But i know from experience, its still easy to relapse, cheat and continue in the same disordered habits even when you have those two things around you. So dont give yourself a reason why you cant recover because you CAN whether you have support or treatment around you or not.



Dont compare your recovery to anyone elses and dont compare your life to mine!! What i post on my blog is what i choose to post, its not everything i do, think or see!!



**I just felt i needed to get this off my chest**

Mothers day brunch

Hello :)

And wow time passes by quickly! I picked up my phone moments ago an saw that it was almost 3pm. .. but it feels like it was 9am just a short while ago? Time has just flown by today!!!

My day started with a powerwalk in the forest with a podcast in my ears and then a strange breakfast which consisted partly of salad!! My boyfriend must think I am crazy when I ate salad as part of breakfast (but I didn't want it to go to waste,  so I thought I might as well eat it along with my normal breakfast! )

Then he drove me home and I began preparing brunch as it's mothers day in Sweden. The plan was that my sister would help as well, but she was sick so it was all up to me. But I didn't mind, I prefer to prepare brunches and things on my own as I know what to do and can then rush about in the kitchen, make a mess and not worry about someone in the way!!! So in 90 minutes I managed to boil eggs, make normal waffles, gluten free waffles, scrambled eggs, scones, fruit salad and whipped cream!! A little proud of myself as well as it all tasted delicious :)
  I  think brunches are my favourite thing to make and eat!!

^^This is the true me... I might as well be truly honest on here. hahah

I can never be normal in photos!

^My beautiful mum... i gave her chocolate and flowers as well

^They are so cute!!

 I should start a tradition of brunch every sunday!! I definitely wouldn't complain!!! :)

This afternoon the plans are to take some photos of me wearing me in my graduation dress and hat. But as the weather is all grey and rainy, I'll wait and see if it gets better!!! :)

Now I need to let the brunch digest because I am super full - which is a nice feeling because yesterday my stomach was a black hole. I just felt constantly hungry and no amount of food could still it!! So its nice to have a satisfied and full feeling :)

^^This is how i make my dog love me... i have to hold on to her so she doesnt run away!

New goals

Tomorrow it is June and the 6th month of 2015!! Feels like January just a month ago ^_^

Time passes by quickly! ! And recently I have begun thinking about goals in my life. I need to have goals in my life and things to motivate me and to have a plan to reach that goal. If I feel I have nothing to work towards I can feel unmotivated and feel like there is no point in anything.
So here are some of my long term and short term goals:

Short term:
Practise being an aeroboxing instructor.
Start studying my 4 complementary courses before university.
Get a part time job.
Apply to be a running coach. - the chances are slim that I will get it, but I can atleast try.
Try Crossfit! I've long wanted to do it, but it's suoer expensive!!
Go to the theme park Liseberg in Gotehnburg.  Either with my boyfriend, sister or a friend!! I love theme parks.

Long term:
Run a marathon. ... I never thought I would have this as a goal. Because running a half marathon has serried difficult enough. ... but after reading and seeing so much status updates and pictures from the Stockholm marathon yesterday I now feel inspired and motivated enough to also run one. But also people ran the marathon in like 5hr 30 or almost 6 hours... and there were people who walked like half the distance... I didn't think you could do that. I thought it was just people who could run the whole distance and run in like in like 4 hours. That's why I've never felt that a marathon is for me, but i am pretty certain I could run a marathon in around 4 hours +/- .... so now I need to save up for proper running shoes. Find a route which is more than 20km and begin practising and maybe in a year's time I will be running Stockholm marathon?

I also have a goal to travel around the world and run races!!! So much fun I am excited just thinking about it :)

Get stronger. I don't have any physical goals and my goal isn't to build muscle, but to be stronger... which does result in more muscle, sort of. But it's going to be more weights and more reps to build endurance and strength!!

Get a new tattoo - as mentioned a few posts ago! 

I do of course have some more goals but these are my main ones!!! What are your goals? :)

Not eating wont solve the problem

Even if you have had a tough day, you haave anxiety. Not eating wont help.... you need to fight the thoughts. Eating will make you stronger!! So DONT skip meals.

Your body needs food no matter what you have or havent done. When its tough, when the voice screasm at you to not eat that is when it is extra important for you to eat. You need to fight that voice in your head and do what scares you. It will get easier i promise, but you need to go against the voice in your head. Its the tough times that make you stronger so if you can get through the tough times it can only get better!!

Remember its all in your head. You need to eat whether someone is there or not. Food is not something bad or something to feel guilty over.... did  you steal the food? No, then you have no reason to feel guilty over it.

Keep facing your fears. Stay strong and never give up!!! Feed your body and give it nourishment!

How to be ok with sitting down - eating disorder recovery

I have recently gotten alot of questions regarding how to sit down. Something which is so simple for the majority, because well people do alot of sitting every day. And there are of course positives and negatives about that, but I'm not going to talk about those.  Because if you are struggling with sitting down what you need to hear is that it's ok to sit down. That nothing bad will happen from sitting down. Your body NEEDS to rest.

Because standing all day and constantly moving... you don't need to do that. When you are recovering and fighting your ED thoughts or trying to recover.  Then it is maximal rest and sitting down  - that is for a PERIOD of your life. But then when you begin living life more you are more active, you do walk, move. ... can choose to maybe walk a station or choose to workout or go for a walk or choose to spend a whole day in bed. Each day is different, but when you  live a normal life then there is a balance of activity and rest.

In school and work, when you are social etc it usually means sitting and you have to be ok with that. Sitting for 2,5 hours watching a movie or if you are travelling and on a plane for 8 hours or on a bus ride for 4 hours or when you are in school from 8-4pm, you sit. And that is natural and normal.

When I was sick I never had the concentration to watch films but I refused to go to the cinema because it meant sitting and I refused to do anything that would make me sit for more than a 10 minute period.... I just couldn't do it. And I would never sit if I was on my own, I just couldn't physically do it. I tried convincing myself that sitting was ok, that nothing bad would happen but after 15 minutes it would begin creeping under my skin. The anxiety would take over and I would have to get up and do things. I thought I was doomed to always be scared of resting, to never be normal, never be able to sit down. I also ditched school at times and struggled to be in school due to having to sit.... It was awful.

So how did I overcome that fear? To now be able to spend a whole day or several days with minimal exercise. Or to lie in bed after a whole day sitting in school. Or to be able to take a power nap in the middle of the day?

1) I had people around me who made me sit. Unfortunately I believe it is very hard to recover from an exercise addiction or having such a strong fear of sitting down without having support and people around you. It is a constant battle in your head and the anxiety usually wins unless there is someone there making you rest.
  I suggest making plans with friends and family. Go out and sit in a cafe for a few hours. Or watch a movie with friends or family.... or sleep in the same room as your sister or have a sleepover with friends. Sit with your parents or someone.... that is what I had to do. When I was a day patient I wasn't allowed to be on my own and my mum had to sit with me all the time and the only time I was allowed to be on my own was when I went to the bathroom and then I wasn't allowed to be gone too long. It was tough, there was irritation,  anger and frustration. I wanted to exercise and be on my own.... but my mum sat there with me and eventually I learnt to be able to rest on my own. It was tough in the beginning but it got easier....

Test sitting 10 minutes, then the next time sit 15 minutes. ... work your way up to being able to watch a 40 minute episode and eventually being able to watch a 2 hour film.

But the thing which I usually say is that friends are your EDs worst enemy. Spend time with friends and family, do normal things. Find calm activities to do to keep you entertained.
  Write and draw.... buy things like colouring books, stress balls,  puzzles, sudoku etc... for me personally I had to do something which kept me mentally busy. If I just watched a film I would get too much anxiety as I found it - and can stll find it very hard - to concentrate on a film. I am restless as a person.  But if I laid a puzzle or made jewelry or coloured in colouring books it was easier to just sit and rest.

So find activities you can do which keep you mentally entertained by physically resting.

Don't spend too much time on your own.

Find a new hobby you can do- one which isn't exercise related.

However I did find that for me personally another way for me to overcome my fear of sitting was to workout.  If I did a 69 minute workout then I could convince myself that for the rest of the time I could rest and not worry about exercising. ... and eventually I learnt to have full rest days and be ok with not having any exercise for a whole day and for several days in a row. But it was a mental process... and having to FACE the fear. Try it... find things to entertain me.

And now I have balance with rest and exercise.  Some days I'm more active, some days I'm less active. 

But I can say that if I did not have this balance I would not be able to live a normal life... I wouldn't be able to travel, be in school, spend time with my boyfriend etc etc I would still be stuck in a bubble where I refused to do things because I was scared of resting. It was not a life.... I was just surviving. I can say I'm very thankful that I faced that fear because it held me back in life and I felt very depressed over the fact that I couldn't do something as simple as sit.

My best advice. ... seek help! !! Spend time with other people. Sit a little extra everyday.  Find activities you can do. Remember resting is good,your body needs it. And you may have to do more resting now, but it won't be that way forever.  But first, you need to overcome the fear and then get back into exercise if that is what you enjoy!! But you don't need to be active every moment of the day. You don't need to move around or tense your muscles or shake your legs or hands or feet all the time.  Get comfortable with just being still. .... I can highly recommend meditation everyday.  10-30+ minutes of just lying/sitting and being still... just breathing. It can be tough in the beginning but it is great. So try it.

And the most important, MAKE THE CHANGE.  This is your life and living a life being  scared of something such as sitting will hold you back alot in life!!

Below are some helpful posts:

Restlessness and feeling like you have to exercise

Breathing and grounding exercises to help you calm down

You are confined by the walls you build yourself

Exercise addiction - not wanting to sit down

Saturday morning

Good morning everyone :) :)

It's Saturday morning and the rain is starting to pour down,but I came back just in time! After yesterday's rest and taking it easy which was what I needed I woke up with lots of energy today and ready to explore!! I love adventure runs and the best thing about staying somewhere new is then being able to go out and see the new place. Run weird routes and just let your feet move you forward, not knowing where you are going or how long you have run. I usually have a GPS on so that I don't get lost, but I don't see the distance or time until I am back. When I run I do it for fun and enjoyment not to run X km or run X minutes,that takes the fun away from running.

The rest of the day will be mostly resting, taking the dog for a few walks and then this evening A's parents are coming back so we no longer need to watch the dog!! The dog is still a puppy - a flatgoat retriever  (i think that's what she is) - and she has so much energy and is so cuddly! It makes me want to have 5 dogs!!

Are you more of a cat or dog person? Do you have a pet? :)

Now I'm going to be social, haha!!! :)

Have a lovely Saturday everyone.

Dog watching and enjoying the sunshine

Tired and sore!! That is what describes me today!! Despite resting and sleeping yesterday I woke up feeling sore and tired today... so rest was and is the main thing for today! And what better way than to spend Friday evening and Saturday at my boyfriends parents house acting as dog watchers while they are gone.  They live sort of in the country so it's forests and adventure routes which I will explore tomorrow. As well as having a beautiful view of a lake and a lovely garden where we sat and bathed in the sunshine!!!

My plans tomorrow are to just take it easy as well. Relax and enjoy the sun if it's sunny, though it is supposed to rain alot tomorrow :( I guess it's just to wait and see!!

I also want to thank you all for the congratulations HOWEVER I haven't graduated yet ;););) 10 more days to go. I've just finished all my school work, but the grades aren't set until tomorrow and then I still have all of next week to be in school  (apart from sports day and house day!) But still have 'lessons' to go to!!!

On Sunday I am going to take some pre-graduation photos where I wear my outfit and I will share a few of them to give you a sneak peek of my outfit.... Because I am totally in love with my dress and shoes!!! :)

How is everyone doing? How has your week been?

Dream catcher

What does Dreamcatcher Tattoo Mean?

The dreamcatcher is a handmade item popular in Native American cultures. The dreamcatcher is a woven net or web that has certain adornments, such as beads, shells, gemstones, leather, feathers and the like. These items are usually things found in nature. It is typically hung in a bedroom, above a bed, or sometimes above a door. The idea is that happy, optimistic dreams will pass through the net, while the negative dreams or nightmares will become ensnared, so the dreamers has only good dreams. On the other hand, some believe that the negative dreams pass through the hole in the center of the dreamcatcher, while the good dreams are trapped, and thus become a part of that person’s destiny.

Whichever way it is, the tattoo signifies that harmful dreams are chased away and positive dreams will stay, bring protection to the one who wears the ink. In more realistic sense, the tattoo fights away bad things like scandals while letting the good, such as money, pass through.

(SOURCE)

At the moment i have my mind and heart set on a new tattoo... a dream catcher! (Taking away the nightmares and the bad thoughts, so that all i am left with positivity. And that is basically what i already am.... but i love dream catchers and so might get it tattoo'd on me!) Though i dont want to make any rash decisions - though ive thought about this for the past 6 months. So i'll see if i do get one... though it wont be anytime soon. Unless i feel very spontaneous - which i do - and just randomly decide to do it someday on my own (which is what is likely to happen! hahaha. I like to just surprise people and not tell anyone that i got a new tatttoo... because in the end the tattoo is for me, and it means something for me!!!)

I've already mentioned my interest in a new tattoo to my boyfriend and even if he might not be into tattoos he say's he doesnt really mind and it's my body so i can do what i want!! In the end i don't really care what other people think or what their opinions are... it IS my body. But i dont like being spontaneous or rash when it comes to something like a tattoo as ... yes it will be on my body forever. But that doesnt scare me or worry me... i mean i will put the tattoo somewhere it can be easily hidden if that is what is required! But for me, my two tattoos make me smile each time i see them or think about them!! They are both so pretty and have so much meaning behind them!!!

A video for those who struggle with body image

Incase it doesnt work you can find the youtube link HERE

Friday Finds

Funny:




(People in general ^^ )

Delicious:




Cute:







Thinking:



Motivation:

(This is why i love being out in nature and prefer to do cardio outside than stuck on a machine!)