Or that is what I tell myself anyway. I am going to start off this post by being quite honest and that is, I am not feeling that great at the moment at all. It feels like all of a sudden absolutely everything has become too much. It is at the stage where i just lay in bed and could not find the motivation to do anything. When my sister came home from work she came and just lay down beside me, tried to get me to talk but as usual, keeping quite about my problems so instead she talked and tried to make me laugh to feel better. Which does of course help for a little while.
The way i am feeling... mentally burnt out. Feeling this way isnt strange in the last stages of school, it's how most teenagers feel. But then i have the added pressure of quite alot of social media feeds and continuously helping others before I help myself. This is something i am quite good at, repressing my own thoughts and emotions, deciding to help others and give advice instead of sitting down and actually asking myself, being honest to myself about how my own mental health is.
At the moment i feel out of control. In the sense, i feel like i have no control over my own life... can't quite find the happiness which i usually have. My positivity or positive energy isnt there at all either. Waking up isnt a problem, infact i like waking up to a new day. But by the end of the day i feel so mentally exhausted which in turn is now affecting my physical energy as well. I have had lots of energy and still have lots of physical energy, but the constant stress, worry and anxiety inside of me is beginning to take its toll. My nails are hands are being most affected by the constant thoughts and i feel how i am slowly beginning to isolate myself, not wanting to socialize as it is easier to just sit alone and not talk about how i am feeling than to try to be positive and have to fake a smile.
At the moment, things are feeling heavy and grey. And thats ok. I am only human, a human who has to learn from my own mistakes. Who has to learn that i need to put myself first sometimes, that i can't always say yes to everything. That i cant always give all my energy away, but instead need to be able to shut down and shut off without feeling guilty over it.
I am still going to blog, that is what i enjoy doing. Though what i blog about i am not so sure. I might try to do a vlog or just answer questions or random questions or just post pictures. I am not so sure. I might wake up tomorrow feeling awesome and better, who knows. But for now and the past while i havent felt so good. But by writing it out, acknowledging the way i am feeling it helps to then make a positive change. To be aware of my thoughts and emotions and try to cope with them in a better way than now. Because if i keep feeling this way and let the thoughts take over then eventually i will end up on the ground and not have the energy to get back up again. So taking an evening of just trying to let everything go and tomorrow i have a doctors appointment so decided to take the whole day off school because right now i can't focus on school at all.
And dont worry about me, i will be fine :) I am sure that tomorrow or someday soon i will be back to my positive self!! I am only a human and we all have our ups and downs, its just that generally speaking my downs always feel super down because i am always so positive and happy.
and p.s for those of you wondering (ive gotten a few questions/emails), i think my Swedish test went ok. It is very hard to know but i did the best i could and that is all that matters!!
Here you have a picture of my colourful lunch because colourful and delicious food always makes me happy!