Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, April 30, 2015

Swedish traditions

30th of April also known as 'Valborg' (in Sweden) or 'Mayday'. It is also the day where all the graduating students put on their graduation caps (a swedish tradition) and it is all very exciting!! The worst thing though is that while you sit in the aula, hearing about graduation and the graduation ceremony and you then realise it is still 5 more weeks left... it sort of brings down the celebration a little. I just want to be finished with school now!!! These next few weeks will be super tough to get through, but i know i can manage :)

To begin with i had school until 12 where i also had my national swedish presentation, then we had a break to 'get ready' before we had our gathering in the aula and then we had free time where my friends and I went to buy ice cream before we headed back to the school to have group and individual photos taken. Then i met my dad and sister to drink some coffee before coming home and pretty much collapsing onto my bed. The tiredness is now taking over. I had plans to eat dinner with my friends and then go watch a bonfire but at the moment i am feeling like an early night and just spending the evening with lots of food and series watching is all i need right now as tomorrow i need to spend the day studying before meeting my dad and having a bunch of other things to do. Though i know i would miss out on things if i dont go... so i'll see how i feel.

If you want to know more about Valborg you can read about it HERE :)

I took lots of photos with my friends and such, but i dont want to post them here... so instead i can just look very egoistic with selfies, haha!

Some links/reads

Below are some links/articles i found online which might be fun to read if you have the time. Otherwise save this post for when you do have time and read through some of these articles, they might make you smile/think/be helpful :)

19 fun things to do on your own

10 ways to get yourself out of a funk

40 Random acts of kindness ideas

How to stop toxc thinking

45 lessons written by a 90 year old

Facts that will make you smile

10 things to remember when you feel lost and alone

37 lessons that will change your life

Inspirational quotes for when you need some motivation

Body myths

Myth no.1 - When I am skinny, I will like my body: 
When you accept your body for all its wonderful quirks and imperfections, you will like your body.

Myth no.2 - Losing weight will make me happy: 
Following your dreams, surrounding yourself with people you love and appreciate and forgiving yourself and others will make you happy.

Myth no.3 - A healthy lifestyle means working out every day and never eating bad food:
 No food is bad, and a healthy lifestyle is doing what's good for your heart as well as what's good for your body. Even if that means lying in bed all day and eating chocolate sometimes.

Myth no.4 - All thin girls love their bodies: 
Every person, no matter what they look like, has their insecurities. Embrace your own, and know that you are not alone.

Myth no.5 If I eat x, y or z and follow x, y or z celebrity's workout regime I will look like them:
 No. No matter how you eat or how long you spend in the gym, you will look like you at whatever weight you are at. You can't replicate another human being's body in your own.

Myth no.6 - It's always unhealthy to have a bmi above 25: 
BMI scales were invented for the convenience of insurance companies, not as an accurate measure of health. Your healthy weight is determined by your body type, composition, lifestyle and diet, not by a made up chart.

Myth no.7 - If I was smaller, I could wear a bikini and short shorts and strapless dresses:
 You can wear whatever you like, whether you wear it in a size 0 or a size 14. Your beauty is not defined by the clothes you wear.

Myth no.9 - I can solve my problems using my body:
 You have to look deeper - your problems do not stem from the circumference of your thighs or the amount of fat on your stomach. They are deeper than that, and the solution lies deeper than that as well.

Last day of April (and what i have done this past month!)

Today is the last day of April and 29 whole days of the month have passed... another month of the year almost over. Sometimes it can feel like time just flies by, that it goes too quickly and i dont have the time to actually live life. But that's not true because i have done things this month and during these 4 months as well, it's just that it can be easy to forget them because you just focus on your 'everyday things' and it can feel like school is the only thing you do.

But this month i have:

Done alot of running which was a goal of mine for this year!

I have practised on my headstands and can now mostly do them without the help of a wall - though still like to have it there for safety measures!

I've gone to a party with A.

Celebrated Easter and made Easter cakes.

Eaten sooo many delicious waffles and found my love for oatmeal again (oatmeal like 2-3 times a day (doublr portion!) sooo good.)

Ive sent in my individual project.

Gotten my graduation cap and got my graduation dress (yesterday - though havent gotten a chance to try it on yet.)

Started watching a new series with A.

Gone to a party/graduation party!

I've gotten several compliments from people at the gym telling me i am strong and work hard while i'm there. Its strange that so many people have all said it within the same month, but this month has been one of terrible body image - pretty much the whole 30 days i havent felt so good in my body and even though i feel strong, i dont feel like i am making progress. But maybe people see something which i don't?

It's funny how it wasnt until i looked at pictures that i remembered all of these things! People might not understand why i take pictures (i post like 0,5% of the photos i take daily ;)) but it helps me to remember what i do in my life so that it doesnt just feel like time passes by and i do nothing! It's started my day in a positive way to think about what i have done this month :)

And also, think about all the things i can do next month :) And also, soon it will be summer!!!

What are some things you have done this month? Do you have any goals for May? (I am going to write my goals for May tomorrow, hopefully!)

Heath is individual

This is something which is very important for everyone to remember. 
So many people follow diets, copy what other people are doing, wanting to look exactly like someone else.
They dont follow or listen to their body. 
But thats not healthy.

Of course, for those people who are very overweight and do need to lose weight, then they do need a calorie restriction... its a fact. 
But aiming to be healthy.... to feel mentally and physically healthy.That is something you need to learn, and listen to your body to achieve .

Find what works for you.
Do you prefer eating 6 meals a day... 3 meals a day?
Do you like exercising.. whats your favourite exercise type?
Or maybe you don't like exercise, that's fine ;)

All foods are ok to eat. Remember that.
Healthy is about balance. Dont restrict or deprive yourself, its not needed.
You want to feel mentally and physically healthy.. and sometimes all you need is a pizza and cola to make yourself mentally feel a little better... 
Or say you're having cramps... you've just broken up with your boyfriend, and you're stressed... then im pretty sure the chicken salad is not as tempting as a tub of Ben and Jerrys ice cream.
And thats ok!

Dont compare yourself to others, or what others are doing.
If others are working out 6 days a week, and you only have time and energy for 3 days a week... thats fine!!
You do what you do, and what you can do.
Dont feel bad if you over eat some day, youre human. (As long as it isnt a frequet occurance, then once in a while wont make a difference)
I have days where i eat loads, and then you just move on. It doesnt affect me. I dont feel bad. I dont restrict the next day, because that isnt healthy, thats compensation and guilt.
And my body needs energy, no matter what i do, or ate the day before.

Listen to your body. Find your healthy.
And dont compare yourself to others, because   you are you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Birthday celebrations

Where do I even begin with this day? Trying to collect my thoughts and think about everything i have done today! This morning feels like a life time ago, like it was another day. A long school day where i had an important presentation and the first out of 4 national tests in french. I really dont know how i did in that test, but i can say i didnt really understand the questions so I am pretty sure my answers are far from what was expected. hahah. But i tried anyway - i have the maths/science brain, so languages is not my strong side at all. It would be nice to be good at languages, to easily be able to learn them and then be able to communicate and understand other languages :)

The rest of the school day was hard work and tiredness. I also wore no make up to school today as i had forgotten to put it on this morning. So i felt pretty self conscious about that as i do have dark circles under my eyes :( But nobody mentioned anything which i guess is a positive thing!

Then home to eat a quick snack, try to finish some school work before A came over and then later my dad arrived at our place. After that my step dads two sons joined us and the 8 of us ate dinner to celebrate my sisters birthday.And then there was of course cake and baileys for dessert! It was a very typical 'family gathering' type of thing so there were times where i just wanted to crawl under the table. And times where i felt sorry for A sitting there beside me... but now he has atleast seen this side of my family i.e the very family-behind-the-scenes type of thing :) So atleast i dont need to worry about that anyway!! He also got to meet my dad which went well - my dad didnt scare him off anyway! :)

Anyway, this post was going to be kept short as the time has just flown by and i have an early wake up call tomorrow and a very long day :( But its also going to be a good day!! However, sleep is needed :)

I am trying to keep my blog as best updated as i can, though i know i amnt really getting a chance to answer questions or write about topics suggested, but with the little time i have i try my best :)

Lunch/dinner ideas

Wednesday plans

Wednesday morning and i know that today will be a good day!! It will be one of those super long days, but i dont mind, at the moment there is alot going on in my life. But most of it is positive and things to look forward to! I can't wait for this weekend, but first off i have 2 more school days (and then i am free from school on Friday)!

Today is my sisters birthday, though as i leave so early i won't get to see her until i come home from school. This evening we are going to have a family dinner to celebrate and my dad is even travelling over from Ireland and staying in Sweden until Friday. It will be great to see him again, as it has been around 6 months or so when i last saw him! He is also going to meet my boyfriend, who will be coming over for the dinner this evening. I don't really know who is more nervous, me, my boyfriend or my dad.... I feel like it will be a very awkward meeting. But then atleast they will have met :) I think meeting my dad is the scariest part because well.....  I am a so called 'daddys girl' and he is quite protective over me.haha Even more so because i have CF and after everything i have been through! I am imagining alot of different scenarios of how it will go at the moment, and i am sitting here smiling just thinking about them :)

But first off it's school, where i have an important presentation as well as a french national test (part 1 of 4) which i havent studied for at all. So i dont have high expectations at all, but once it's over i can move on and focus on the rest of the 3 french nationals and other assignments. How is school going for you at the moment (if you go to school.)? Is it alot of work? Are you coping? What are your favourite things to do to destress?

Now i need to continue with my breakfast, then clean my room as i wont have time after school before the guests begin to arrive!

Stay strong and make the best of today!!

^^Throw back to my pre run happiness because i am super excited for the half marathon on Saturday and all the other races i have planned this year :) 

Ed recovery problems

When your usually supportive friend suddenly says they’re thinking about going on a diet

When you’re tired of obsessively counting calories but are too anxious to stop

When people assume you’re fully recovered just because you seem to be behaving normally

Stumbling upon an old picture of you when you were malnourished

When someone tries to call the food you’re eating “fattening”

When you completely forget how to eat without ED behaviors

When your nutritionist decides you need to up your intake

When you lapse once and your ED takes advantage of a single slip-up

Trying to act cool after getting caught doing behaviors you swore you wouldn’t do

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Fridays on a Tuesday

This wonderful Tuesday ended in the best company with the best food at one of my favourite places - T.G.I.F . That restaurant has pretty much become our standard place to eat, but i really dont mind because its delicious and they are constantly updating their menu so there are new foods to try and there are lots of different burgers, quesadillas, salads, chicken/salmon with rice etc and not to mention the delicious desserts!! A good place to go no matter what you are craving!

I ordered a chicken salad with feta cheese and a honey vinaigrette sauce with garlic bread on the side. The salad was a HUGE salad which i was actually surprised over because in Sweden when you order a salad, you get like a diet salad where you dont feel full at all and you just sit wishing you had ordered something else. But i got a really big salad which i was thankful for as well as the delicious garlic bread. A then challenged me to finish it all as he didnt think i could, and of course... i dont say no to a challenge! Whether he had challenged me or not i would have finished it all, but it always feels good when you can say.... Challenge accepted. Challenge defeated!hahaha

Then with a food coma and 3 or 4 drink glasses (it is free refill) we made our way home!
It was a nice way to spend my evening and this day has been a super awesome day - goes into the category of one of my better and memorable days this year :) Though so far, this year has been pretty amazing and awesome! Who knew that my life would be this way - only a few years ago i was thinking about committing suicide, not thinking life could get any better.
But as long as you fight for change and keep going during the tough times, then things can get better :)

Because when life is good, then you will be very happy that you never gave up when the times were tough :)

Summer feelings

When the alarm rang this morning i was just not ready to get up so after hitting snooze for 30 minutes i decided to just turn it off and keep sleeping and then i woke up feeling refreshed and energetic at 8am! As the sun was shining and I was free from school i decided to do a morning run/walk. This week i am trying not to walk or run too much to keep my legs from getting too tired, but i also want to make sure that they are 'working properly' (hahah) so an interval walk/run in shorts out in the lovely weather!! It was around 11-13 degrees outside, not super warm but warm enough to wear shorts (when running/walking anyway... if you are just sitting still i dont know how warm it would have been).

Then when i had refueled with energy i headed into the city to do a few things followed by foam rolling and some strength training and then as i was too tired and didnt have the time to cook food i decided to just buy myself lunch: My favourite combination from the salad bar (Salad, chicken, cottage cheese, sundried tomatoes and falafels - all that is missing is the avocado :)) and then an apple and one of my favourite energy drinks on the side :)

While i was in the shop i also bought some snacks to share with my sister (and rest of family). Salted cashews, japenese mix, strawberries,natural licqourice (I love it!!) and chocolate. These are my typical summer snacks, so it feels like its the beginning of summer. Especially being free from school, having time to go for a run/walk in the morning and the sun shining..... Things are feeling positive. Even if i have spent the past 3 hours writing essays and doing research. When you have delicious snacks it goes quickly :)

Today is also my '3 months' together with my boyfriend and he surprisingly woke me up with a super sweet message reminding me of this :) haha, i dont know how he remembered. I only knew this because of the questionnaire i did yesterday!! Anyway the plans are to maybe go out and eat dinner with him, but plans are always so fluid so i'm not so sure what we'll do! But i definitely don't say no to getting my food served instead of having to cook it :)

Tomorrow will be a long day - will write about it tomorrow - but i am excited anyway, almost looking forward to it for some weird reason!! haha. All this positive energy, but its also because i have been so productive today... i can feel the work load slowly decreasing!! Days off school where you can just make up your own plan and schedule and work at your own pace and time are the best!!

For now... time to continue studying!!

Jokes about eating disorders

There is a podcast which i love listening to as what they talk about is interesting and entertaining for me, however i have noticed more and more how many eating disorder jokes that pop up in their podcast. The genre of the podcasts is training and fitness and i can imagine that there are people struggling with eating disorders who might listen to their podcast and they might be negatively affected by the comments and jokes made. For example:

One of the 'hosts' was talking about how he had lost Xkg and when someone asked him how to lose weight he answered, 'just dont eat'... and then he laughs.
The same 'host' also jokes about him being on an 'anorexic diet' because he is trying to lose weight. But the fact is that this person also does alot of drinking, partying and eating lots of food, so no... he isnt exactly on a starvation diet and also, joking about those types of things is NOT FUNNY. There is not an 'anorexic diet'... there is an illness anorexia nervosa which controls the mind and makes the person suffering not want to eat because of the fear of weight gain, anxiety of eating and other things. Its not like you eat very little and suddenly you have anorexia. Anorexia is NOT a diet or even a body type. It's those types of jokes and stigmatizations which strengthen the stereotype that people with anorexia are choosing the illness, doing it just to look a certain way or that anorexia is just a diet.

The same 'host' also jokes about that the second 'host' has binge eating disorder because he can eat alot and enjoys eating cakes etc and has even joked some time that the second host binges and purges in secret. NOT FUNNY. I get very irritated by these types of comments and the worst thing is that in general i really like their podcasts and what they talk about, but i get this irritation creeping in me whenever i hear the host joke about eating disorders and then laughing.
   It's this type of uneducated information and jokes which make people with eating disorders feel awful, make it seem like eating disorders are just a choice or something not so serious. But they are very serious and many people die all around the world each year due to their eating disorder.

I also hate when i overhear people laughing or joking about eating disorders, i always feel like going up to them and telling them that eating disorders arent a joke or a laughing matter.

I am considering writing an email to the podcast hosts, just telling them that maybe they could stop with the eating disorder jokes as they arent necessary and can also be triggering and cause negative affects within the listeners. But also it spreads the wrong message, maybe they will consider my words, but atleast i can try. We can all do our part to try to change the world and i can do that through my blog and increasing awareness about eating disorders and trying to get rid of the stigmatization and taboo of eating disorders.

^^At first i found this sort of funny but then i realised that NO, it's not funny. Eating disorders are serious and its jokes like these that try to belittle the seriousness of an eating disorder.

Study day

Good morning :)

After roughly 10 minutes of trying to form a somewhat "ok" starting i decided to just go for this... My mind is filled with other things at the moment and my time is mostly going to studying. I remember 3 years ago when i was starting the school i go to now, i thought "there is going to be a lot of work, i most probably wont have time to blog at all"... but 2,5 years later i have still managed to blog everyday despite the extreme workloads i have had. But for once i actually feel like... "i dont have the time" (right now anyway). There is more in my life at the moment than there was back in 2012 and there wasnt as much work, as it's the final weeks of school its my last deadlines and assignments which play quite a big role in my grade. My next few weekends are also filled with things to do so its hard to find the time to study then, but i know i will make it work. :)

But i just wanted to say that this is the reason why i might not reply to your comments so quickly, i do try my best but at the moment when i do finally have my 'me' time where i get like an hour before i go to bed, then i dont really have the mental energy for replying to comments or emails. I also considered maybe shutting down my email account, just for the next few weeks... but i decided not to. Because somedays for example when i travel to A's place then i am on public transport for an hour and usually answer emails then. But replying to emails is not a prioritiy at the moment, so my best suggestion - Leave a comment on my blog about a topic/question and when i read it i will try to write a post about it/answer it or some of my lovely readers will answer and help you :)

I do want to help you all and once again i love blogging so i am not going to stop and i dont feel like taking a pause either but just reminding that i am not ignoring you :)

Anyway, what i had actually planned to write in this post is that today i dont have any school so starting my morning with sometime out in the sunshine followed by mostly studying for the rest of the day!!

Hope you all have a lovely Tuesday :)

Monday, April 27, 2015

3 meals from today

Amidst my studying and large pile of work to do i am giving myself a 30 minute dinner break to just do something other than school work and of course to eat!!

Below you see my breakfast: Wasnt super hungry as i ate quite a large night snack at 2am and then only a few hours later after just sleeping it was breakfast time.

My afterschool snack: 1,5 portion egg white fiberoatmeal with cottage cheese, raspberries & walnuts and raisins on the side (ate them all) & 2 wake up energy tablets (2 tablets = 1 cup of coffee. And it tastes like redbull!)

Dinner: Frozen vegetables, quorn meatballs, couscous and cottage cheese & green tea and chocolate as dessert! I 90% of the time eat dessert after dinner (usually yoghurt with rasins and nuts/dark chocolate/normal chocolate/some form of protein bar if i have at home/raw food ball or bar if i have made some!) and then a night snack before bed as well :)