Your eating disorder changes you

Alot of people worry about after recovery. Wondering how to get back to their old self? How they will look? How they will feel? Worrying because they will weigh more than their pre ED weight.

But the fact is, you won't be the same as your old pre ED self. Think of everything you have been through. There is no way that you could go back to being the old you. You have changed, gone through events and experienced new things. But also your weight, it won't be the same because time has passed. You can't expect to weigh the same weight you did when you were X years old. But also after an eating disorder your body needs to weigh a little more to feel safer and function properly.
   

Life is also about creating yourself. You might find new hobbies and interests, your personality might change a little just like you might not enjoy certain things anymore.  You change. You will be different. So stop aiming to be the person you were before your ED.  Because you won't be. You can't go back to the past, you can only move forward. So focus on creating the new you. The person you want to be!!!

 I tried to find photos of me before my eating disorder, but i dont really have any. These are sort of pre ED pictures.

So young, not really knowing what awaited me. But it was at this time that i began thinking more about my future, worrying about my CF and i stopped taking my CF medications which was sort of the first step towards a very deep, downward spiral.

But what i wanted to show was that, this was the old me. The younger me. I really didnt weight so much at the time so when i was told at Mando that my goal weight would be higher than it was at this stage it felt like someone had punched me. I didnt understand that 1)I had grown a cm or two and 2) I was several years older so of course i would need to weigh more.

During my recovery i never longed back to the girl i was before, i didnt like her. She was shy, very low self esteem, worried too much about everything and got anxiety, i didnt dare step outside of my comfort zone. I didnt want to be her anymore and i had almost forgotten how i was when i was deep in my eating disorder. However i did long back to being a 5 year old, wanting to run in the fields, have my mum and dad take care of me, not have any worries or go to school or stress, think about my body or have anxiety. I longed back to being a child - but i had to realise that 1) I will never be a 5 year old again and 2)Life is what i make it. Life doesnt have to be bad, i just have to make it good!