Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, March 8, 2015

You have to want and choose recovery for yourself

Something important to remember is that, no matter what treatment you go to, no matter how many people around you supporting you, no matter if you are forced to eat and forced to rest or allowed to just do your own thing. The choice to recover has to come from YOU!
    Treatment is great, it can help motivate you to recover... be the support you need, make you realise that you actually do need food, that you do need to fight or health and life. But it also cant force you to recover... i am a shiny example of that.. i spent almost a year at Mando just being there... going between inpatients and daypatients and back to inpatients. I didnt want to recover, so i didnt. No matter if i was watched 24/7 i found ways to cheat with food and to exercise. And when i was a day patient i just didnt eat when no one was watching, i went out and ran.... i did everything i could to lose weight, to listen to the voice in my head and not follow the treatment program. And that resulted in me almost getting kicked out...
   The staff at Mando tried and tried to help me... but i just didnt want it... Until that moment when i realised I no longer want to be sick anymore. That being sick was actually worse than trying to recover... that i would give recovery a chance.





And it was then that the treatment and support began to help me... not everyday was easy, i still cheated with some food, found it hard to relax until i began facing those fears and learned to eat my fear food and to spend a whole day and a whole week or two with no exercise... i had to face the fears to recover. And yes, i had the support of Mando and my mum... but also The work came from ME! Support is great, its NEEDED. But i was the one who did the hard work... it might look like i just sat there at the table eating my snack but at the same time i was fighting off 100 thoughts, debating whether i should purge afterwards, go for a run, whether i should just leave the table... fighting off the guilt of choosing an apple instead of a pear, of choosing vanilla yoghurt and not the plain yoghurt... calculating the calories, guilt for not skipping the meal, thinking of ways to compensate... so no, it was not just eating a snck, there was so much more to it. And then afterwards, when the thoughts of compensation came, but i glued my bum to the sofa and sat there. Put my feet up, kept them still. I lay there, staying calm. Fighting the anxiety, the guilt and the tears about to come.... and that process 6 times a day until suddenly thoughts of compensation werent as strong, the guilt and anxiety werent as bad anymore....
  I had to fight all the time. People on the outside might not see that, what a tough job it is. Because IT IS.Recovery is one of the hardest things you will eveer do in your life, but its also the best thing in your life. 
  Because it gives you your life back.... when you are sick you DONT have a life... you think you do, but you are living within these 4 walls... and you need to break them down...step over the rubble and keep moving on with your life. Not stay there within the four walls.



It can take weeks, months, years for you to choose to recover. And sometimes you need that kick in the butt to actually get you to choose recovery...  you need to be admitted to hospital, or to get tube feeding... or even to faint or end up doing something drastic to realise that you need to change your life. Or for some, all they need is a goal... they need something to fight for, have a reason... you DONT NEED TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM to fight for recovery. This is what many think. THey think they arent sick enough, or need to hit rock bottom before they can begin to recover... but its not just a ... ill lose 5 more kilo, then ill be happier and then maybe i can recover? I mean whats the point of that... losing weight just to have to regain it again? Think.... for every kilo you lose, it can take 2-3 weeks for you to regain it... thats ALOT of time.

You need to be ready for recovery, ready to change. Because in the end, this is YOUR life. Its not anybody elses. And believe it or not, people cant force you to recover... sure, they can put you in treatment, but you can still fight against it... thats what i did until i had enough. But thats not worth it... try to accept the help from the beginning, to try fight towards recovery even if you arent 100% motivated... the motivation will come. Just keep looking and fighting for it!
   
All i can do is try to help everyone, make them realise that recovery is worth it... that there is life after an eating disorder. That you can be happy and healthy. You dont have to be sad, depressed or feel alone. But in the end, the hard work comes from YOU. You have to want to change... i did it. I've gone through the hard work, the different phases and stages and look where i am now... happy!! And you can be aswell.

Just  Make the choice to change!


9 comments:

  1. Hi Izzy! I'm still struggling with myself. One day, I want to recover so badly, I'm determined to change, to fight, to be strong, but, suddenly, when it comet to the action, I hesitate. I can't overcome my fears ond thoughts. I know, that this is not a real live that I'm living that anorexia causes only trouble, I am aware of all consequences, but there are still two persons in my head that are fighting. And Ana is winning :(
    I know that if I really want to recover the impulse must some from myself, but I am still in that stage that I am really not convinced that I want that. I want to change but I don't know how. What was the impulse for you? What happened in your life that you were able to change the point of view?
    What was the big kick?
    I feel like I'm going to lose my mind soon, because I can't to decide.. do I want to be healthy? Or skinny? Or happy?
    In fact, I want to be happy, without depression, but at the same time I don't want to gain weight.
    How can I change that opinion? What to do?
    Please, I would be very grateful, if you could answer this. Thank you and have a nice day!

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  3. Your blog post was SO INSPIRING!! This morning I really felt it helped me so much...as tomorrow is an important day for me.

    I am keen to get my life back on track and start FIGHTING for ME! so thank you Izzy so, so much. Xx

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  4. I wzs wondering...when did the guilt thoughts started disappearing ? I still have them and it's such a struggle as ypu say... thank you for proving that it's possible !

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  5. Wow, this post really is wonderful :) you have such an honest and open style of writing and it really made my day today ;) it pushed me and I hope to be as soon as possible able to stop the thoughts too and chose it for ME :) hahaa and by the way you made me eat toast with Nutella soon after I read it, because I chose it for myself :) So thank you thank you thank you :) you always remind me of what really is important in life :) <3 xxx

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  6. Izzy that photo of you at the end of the post is stunning!

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  7. Your recovery story ;) just beautiful!!!;)

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  8. <3 you look so beautiful in the last picture Izzy :) <3 you are such an inspiration to us all, thank you so so much for your wonderful blog! <3 xxxx

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