The difference between healthy and free

To me, i think there is a difference between healthy and free.
   You can be declared healthy, you can have a healthy weight, you go to school, and you eat your 6 meals a day... but that doesnt mean that you are fully healthy... that you feel free?

  I personally think that the anorexic thoughts will always be there, but not to the extent of when you were sick, as then you would still be underweight and very sick. The thoughts arent as strong, and you are also stronger. That some days you might have anxiety over eating, or you feel fat. But instead of skipping meals and starving/compensating. You can cope. You realise that, ok... i feel fat. But i amnt fat and you eat anyway. And you can deal with the anxiety of eating food even if there are thoughts tellling you not to... you know that the anxiety fades and you know you have to eat. To me, that is free & healthy.
   
To me, healthy is when other people tell you that you are healthy... you might not feel healthy yourself. Or you still try to control things, try to control your weight by only eating healthy, or by exercising loads (of course, there is a diffference between exercising because it makes you feel good .Because it makes you feel happy, than exercising because you need to burn calories and you get anxiety if you dont.) Or you plan every thing you eat.
  Or even if you get anxiety about being spontanious, because you cant control life... because you planned your day and it didnt go the way you planned, and you feel anxiety...
   That doesnt necessarily make you sick... but to me... that isnt free.

Free, that is when you completly let go of control.... but that is one of the hardest things. That is the difference between living a life, 90% healthy/free and completly free.
 Before i used to wonder if i was truly healthy, or if i was still tiny bit sick (Yes, you would think a person would know or not .) But because i chose to eat the way i do and exercise often, there were times i wondered if i had just changed frmo anorexia to orthorexia..... But i think just the fact that i thought that thought. And really did think about my behaviour and thoughts. But i know that no, i didnt change eating disorder. I think if i had, it would be very clear signals then as i have been living my life this way since summer 2012. I dont have a problem with weight gain, i exercise because i enjoy and also I can eat junk food. I dont get anxiety if i do. I dont get anxiety if i dont exercise. I can spend a whole day in bed... (or not actually, as i get so restless. But i mean, i dont get anxiety if i dont do physical activity.) I dont feel the need to burn what i eat. I dont eat healthy to try to control my weight, i like eating healthy because it makes me feel better, mentally and physically. And i actually think its tastes better. And of course i also love Ben and Jerrys ice cream, chocolate covered nuts and chocolate. And when i crave them, i eat them. With no bad conscious. So i think that is the difference between choosing to eat healthy and exercise regularly and having sick/eating disordered thoughts.
 
Also, free (to me) is when you dont control what you eat.
  It is easy to plan how you are going to eat, and what you are going to eat. And i mean, that can be good. But at some point you have to realise that you cant plan what you are going to eat all the time. Yo uhave to be able to just let go.... and to allow yourself to eat.
  If you eat breakfast early, maybe you want to eat lunch at 11am, and then maybe you want something else instead of what you had planned, and then you have to know that its ok to jsut eat a sandwich, or pasta salad, or a huge plate of something because you are really hungry.
  And to take more if you are really hungry, or eat less because you arent so hungry.

To be able to eat because you are hungry, not just because they are your usual times. And to vary what you eat... i have it very easy to eat the same thing, day in and day out. I dont think about what i eat, but then i realise... Damn, Ive eaten oatmeal for breakfast 6 times this week. Then the next week i vary what i eat for breakfast each day... and even with snacks.
  
Free is when you had planned a trip to the gym but you are too tired, or have too much work and you skip going to the gym because you know you have to study. And not getting anxiety or compensating.
  
Free is being free.... 

Life is unpredictable, and you should just go with the flow, not try to control everything....

And take that step, let go. Dont be scared. It is very scary, even the first steps in recovery are hard. But personally, i think that the step, where you completly let go... that is the hardest step. That is when you actually jump into the dark, and you dont know what waits for you, whether you keep failling or if someone is stnading there waiting for you iin the light.
  But taking that jump/step. Is the most important. That is when life is amazing. That is when you are so happy to be alive, and just go with the flow. Not scared to live. Not scared to eat.
When i got to begin going to school again i wasnt fully healthy, i was trying to convince myself that i was, even though i still hadnt reached my goal weight. I was still holding onto Ana. Still religiously going for my walks and eating at certain times, not wanting to really let go and stop controlling what i ate. But slowly, slowly i stopped with those habits... and then finally, i let go.
  And i became free.... that was when i saw the sunlight. It was like i had been fumbling around in the dark.
  It made my life alot better....

I know im writing loads now, but i just wanted to write and say that... there is a difference between healthy and free. Others can tell you that you are healthy... but it is you... it is you who knows whether you are holding onto your ED or not.
  Becoming healthy is not just about the weight. You may reach a health yweight, but that doesnt mean that you are suddenly healthy.
  You have to work with your thoughts, that is the most important. If your thoughts arent healthy, then it doesnt matter if you are BMI 20 or BMI 15.... (Of course, physically it matters whether you havea  healthy BMI or not.)