Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Readers story - exercise addiction

Today I realised I achieved something that was no longer possible for me. It's been almost three weeks since I've done any hard exercise apart from walks, yoga and 30 mins weightlifting. It's hard every day, the urges and the guilt are crippling but I realised that I can no longer live the way I have been since last summer. 

I have had anorexia for about 3 years and in June 2014 I was 15kg above my lowest and very nearly weight restored (about 3kg to go). I look back at pictures and I looked great-i have always loved sport and have got into weightlifting so I was toned and healthy and FAR from fat, and even though my weight was healthy I believe gaining them last kilos would of have prevented my relapse. 
I don't even know what caused it but I do remember it starting with me wanting a lower body fat percentage and a visible six pack. I began watchhing what I eat and freaked out at the amount of carbs in the foods I ate a lot such as orange juice, porridge, bread etc, and was shocked at my calorie intake after I tracked everything on myfitnesspal. 

Then it all happened very quickly. I went away to russia to stay with my dad over the summer and that gave me the perfect chance to lose weight. I cut my carbs drastically. My calorie intake wasn't shocking. When I told my doctor what it was she was amazed at how I could lose weight as quickly as I did on X calories, and I felt like a failure because if I tried to eat less, I passed out. That's because there was the exercise. I started off with just adding 15 mins cardio to my workouts which soon turned to an hour HIIT every day which soon wasn't enough and I found myself in the gym for X hours a day. When I went back to England I was suffering and wanted to stop but I just got worse, and began running at least Xkm as well as going to the gym, or going to an exercise class which I forced my mum to spend money on. I exercised every second I got the chance to and didn't let myself sit down for more than 15 minutes. I slept 4 hours maximum so I could stay up and exercise. I was miserable and aggressive to the point where I punched my mum which is something I could never forgive myself for. 

She referred me back to my hospital because I lost a significant amount of weight in just 3 weeks and it was very obvious. When I went back there they said that I have to eat 3000 calories and not do any exercise apart from gentle walks and maybe some yoga but I refused and said that I only do weightlifting anyway which they believed so I increased my intake but I also increased my workout intensity, thinking 'if I have to gain weight it might as well be muscle'. After I didn't gain weight for months the doctors said that it was enough and took away my gym membership, saying that if I don't start gaining weight I would have no choice but to go inpatient. I broke down. I was on the floor screaming at the top of my lungs, then I ran out of the hospital and started to run to the train station so that I could kill my self, but I got stopped by doctors who took me to A&E until I calmed down. 

From there I kept doing the same workouts but at home while my mum was at work, until I got a pain in my chest that was so bad I thought I was going to die. I blacked out and woke up in the car on the way to the hospital where I had to stay overnight in order to be monitored and that was the moment when I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I had no friends, I was miserable, my whole life was focused on food and working out and I was at risk of heart failure. I was always perfect at school and my grades were slipping which was devastating for me. 

I began by cutting out my evening runs and reduced the gym to 1.5 hours, and I gained some weight very slowly. That freaked me out and for a few weeks I stopped gaining but then I got back on track, though the weight was going on at an agonisingly slow rate, and most weeks I would maintain or lose. That was until my doctor said I had 3 weeks to gain a good amount until she would refer me to an inpatient unit 100km away from where I lived. So I forced my self to drastically change my life completely. I realised that exercise was an addiction. I always told my self I loved it and that it was a lifestyle, but it wasn't. Fitness should be part of your life, not the only thing in it. I hated and dreaded every workout and when I knew that I don't 'have' to do them anymore that made me happier straight away because I didn't spend the entire day prepping my self for what was ahead. I started spending time with my family, taking care of my self (before I completely neglected my hygiene and how I looked), and began doing simple things such as going to the cinema and getting a haircut. I am not saying it's easy-every day is a battle and I get exercise urges all the time but I choose to ignore them because I can't reach recovery unless I step completely out of my comfort zone and challenge the addiction as much as I can. 
I wanted to share this because not every eating disorder is the same-not every anorexic eats an apple a day and drinks black coffee, but it can mask itself as 'getting healthy' and then spiral out of control. I get very upset when I see girls eat 1000 calories and do 2 hours cardio a day and claim they're happy because I've been there before, and living like that is anything but happy.


  1. Thank-you so much for posting this!!!
    I've been going through exactly the same, counting my calories on mfp and then making sure I did not go over 1800 cals a day by doing hiit workouts, running with my dogs and going horse riding/ mucking out stables etc. I got so scared when they told me I had to eat more and cut down in exercise.

    I'm still struggling a lot with this but it's slowly getting easier and it's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this. <3

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your story - it sends out a very important and powerful message :) xxx

  3. Thank you so much for sharing, this is so much like my own story, it's scary! I think it's a real issue that eating disorders can be masked as "healthy lifestyle" makes me so sad....

    1. Definitely... it is so sad :( Because it makes it so hard for the person struggling to then admit they have a problem when they think they are just being healthy, but going beyond the extremes of healthy.