Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Answer - mealplan increase, fear of rapid weight gain & reaching goal weight

Jag går på mando å har typ några få kilo kvar att gå upp till min målvikt.. Idag la dietisten på EN TILL näringsdryck på mitt matschema då jag "bara" gått upp typ ett halvt kilo senaste månaden. Jag tycker att det känns jättejobbigt och är superrädd för att min vikt nu ska rusa upp. Min behandlare å dietist säger att den inte kommer att göra det eftersom jag i princip stått still på matschema + 1 näringsdryck i en månad och jag hade inget val annat än att acceptera höjningen... :( Men jag är övertygad om att den extra näringsdrycken kommer att "få bägaren att rinna över" och speeda upp min viktökning totalt. Särskilt eftersom de på mando säger att jag "logiskt sätt borde gå upp i vikt och inte stå still med tanke på mängden mat på mitt matschema". Nu sitter jaghär och det är tid för kvällsmål + den andra näringsdrycken för dagen och jag vet inte vad jag ska göra... Jag vill inte ta drycken! :( Jag trivs dessutom mycket bättre på den vikt jag har nu än på min målvikt så motivationen till att gå upp i vikt är därför inte superstor. Min behandlare säger att jag kommer att må bättre och ha färre tankar etc när jag ligger på min målvikt, men jag tror henne inte riktigt... Tar tacksamt emot tips!

(English translation)

I go to Mando and i only have a few kilos left to go up to my goal weight .. Today the dietician added a nutritional drink to my meal plan because i have only gained 0,5kg the past month. I am super afraid that my weight now will speed up. My case manager and the dietician says my weight wont do that  because I basically stood still on my meal plan+ 1 nutritional drink for a month and I had no choice other than to accept the increase ... :( But I am convinced that the extra nutritional drink will make my weight increase super fast though my case manager says I "logically should gain weight and not stand still considering the amount of food on my meal plan." Now I sit here and it's time for supper + the other nutritional beverage of the day and I do not know what to do ... I do not want to drink! :( I like it much, much better at the weight I've now than at my goal weight so the motivation to gaining weight is not super great. My therapist says I will feel better and have fewer thoughts etc when I reach my goal weight, but I dont believe her, not really ... grateful for any tips!

Hej,  Eftersom du läser min blogg antar jag att de går bra att läsa engelska, och tänkte att andra kan ha samma rädslor och tankar som dig så svarar på engelska (blir lättare för min del också!) :)

The first thing to remember is that this is a good thing your body is doing. It means it is adapting to your calorie intake and you are maintaining your weight. In recovery you need to keep increasing your intake so that your body adapts and you gain weight and speed up your metabolism again. During my time at Mando i had to increase my meal plan several times and by the end i had 2-3 nutritional drinks a day as well as my meal plan. Each meal plan increase i thought... 'its now i am going to gain lots and i will never stop gaining' but that never happened because a week or two later i would be back to increase my meal plan. Those extra 300kcal isnt going to make so much difference to your weight or body.... its scientifically shown that to gain 0,5kg in a week you need to eat 500kcal extra each day above your maintenance.
   But also think of it this way... 1) your metabolism has sped up which is a good thing, means you can eat more! But also 2) You need to gain the weight.... one way or another you need to gain the weight. Mando WILL make you gain the weight and i know it may feel awful and you wonder why you cant stay the weight you are now? But you cant, because your body isnt fully healthy and neither is your mind. Listen to your case manager and the dietician, they know what they are talking about. Trust me, they have seen many many patients and have helped many recover. The thoughts and the fears DO lessen as you gain weight..... it can almost feel like a switch in your brain when you have gained the weight you need. Suddenly your body and mind arent in starvation mode, you can think more clearly and feel more positive.
   Those last few kilo to gain, they can be tough to gain both mentally and physically. But you have to trust that the staff at Mando arent lying to you, even if it feels like it. It does get easier as you gain weight and you may feel like you have a healthy body now, you dont understand why you have to gain weight when you like how you look now?
  Thats exactly how i felt when i was 4-5kg from my goal weight. I did everything i could to try to convince my case manager that i didnt need to gain that last bit of weight... that i was healthy, but my body and mind wasnt. I was super scared of gaining weight, thinking my body would change. But the only changes that happened were positive ones that i got energy back, i wasnt as cold, i got my motivation back, felt stronger physically and mentally making it easier to fight off the ED thoughts.

You can try talking to your case manager, explaining your fears even if its tough. They have heard them all before and i am sure they might have some advice for you. But the most important thing is to face those fears... fight them off. Eat, drink. Your body needs it. Not eating wont help you, but also that nutritional drink is there to HELP you. Even if it may not feel like it.
You will see in a weeks time that pretty much nothing will have changed on your body, that your weight wont have increased rapidly (though i know you cant see your weight, but at Mando they aim for a patient to gain 0,5-1kg a week, so thats what they will go for).
  Take deep breaths, find a way to cope with the fear and anxiety - maybe writing or talking. Keep fighting and know that you need to gain the weight to have a healthy body and mind, so you need to fight the thoughts that tell you otherwise!!

Ive been at Mando, i know its tough at times and it's not fun to be there, but that can be your motivation to keep fighting to actually get out of there!! But find YOUR reason to actually recover, its not enough to just be at Mando and eat when you are there and then do wrong when you are at home. You need to want to recover for yourself and eat because you know you have to, because you are helping your body and your mind!!!


  1. hey izzy, how many calories do you reccomend if i need to gain, but am close to a healthy weight?

    1. It cant answer this without knowing anything about you or where you are in recovery, how much you have eaten in recovery etc but it is best to keep gradually increasing so that eventually you eat about 2800-3500+ kcal to gain weight for the last few kilo.

  2. hello izzy,

    i jumped during the weekend from 1300 to 1600 and suddenly i have been gaining weight and still this morning weight is increasing and it makes me uncomfortable i mean mentally uncomfortable, is going suddenly too fast and just makes me want to decrease my intake of stop increasing my intakes in order not to continue putting on weight or event stop taking nutritional drinks a day for just one or just stop them...
    1 kilo in 3 days !

    How did you manage not to slip backwards or continue increasing your intakes ?

    1. Hey! I know that I'm not Izzy but I'm just gonna advise you anyways, maybe I can help , who knows. Anyways, I had the same issue. But what helped me is not weighing myself and looking in the mirror when wearing tight clothes. Maybe to start with just set a time on one day of the week and if you really wanna weigh yourself do it then. Because during recovery you also have to fight your urges to control and keep track of everything. But at the same time eat enough :) In better words: find a healthy balance. The weight is probably mostly water retention, don't worry about it :) It just means that your body is starting to repair itself because it tries to hold on to whatever you put in it. Think about it as your body loves you so much that it wants to gain weight and protect you... Maybe you could think about it like that :) and think that if your body is willing to help you survive you should keep giving it nutrients (through nutritional drinks too). This might sound a little weird but it worked for me -- it is basically all mental. Something that helps me is writing everything down, feeling of guilt, regret, shame... and reminding myself that feeling are only temporary, they will pass... just remind yourself of your overall goal to gain weight but also why you are doing it, maybe it is midnight ice cream runs with your friends or going to university and not going to university obsessing over food.
      Hopefully this helps :)) hope you have a great day!

  3. Your answers/advice are always so great :) <3

  4. Tack så jättemycket för dit svar, Izzy! Det hjälper mig verkligen! :) Går såklart super att läsa på engelska, jag var bara lite för lat för att själv orka kommentera på engelska...