Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, February 5, 2015

Think about what you could miss out if you give up on life

When you are stuck in a very dark place where it feels impossible to escape and you think you will be there forever, unless you end it all. It feels like things are getting worse instead of better and you wonder just how long you can keep holding on....

But take it from my own personal experience, Keep holding on. Keep fighting. I know its tough, i know it seems useless and i know you hate when people tell you It will get better. However it CAN get better, though not by magic. But by YOU deciding that its going to get better. You CAN overcome depression or eating disorders or any other illness you have. But its about CHANGE, MOTIVATION and FIGHTING EVERYDAY.
  Its not a one time thing, you keep fighting every moment. Even when life or your eating disorder knocks you down, you stand up and keep going. THATS how things are going to get better.

Yesterday when i was lying in the sofa with A and we were watching a fim with quite a serious plot where there was alot of death and suicide and such. I then began thinking about, what if i had ended my life when i was 14 or 15 or 16? All those years when i was in such a dark place and i really saw no way out, even during recovery sometimes i just ate because i didnt want to be at Mando or because i had this hope that things would get better when i was healthy. The motivation to recover for myself and my life wasnt always there... and no, motivation is something you need to find and hold onto daily. It comes and goes.

I thought about at how age 15 i was so ready to end my life that i had tried to commit suicide several times... tired of life and all the shit i was going through. I didnt think things would ever get better and so there was no reason why i should stay around and suffer.

But now, several years later here i am living a life i never thought possible. Waking up to a new day when i was sick wasnt certain, i didnt know what would happen each evening or night. Whether i would get so much anxiety and guilt that i would run to the bridge and think... This time im going to jump. Or whether my heart and organs would just stop or that my lungs would not get the oxygen they needed. Of course waking up to a new day when i was sick wasnt always a positive thing... infact most mornings i would wake up and sigh because i had to live another day.

Now however i wake up with energy and happiness. I dont mind getting up at 5am and going to school, i look forward to my workouts, i look forward to school and seeing my friends, i look forward to learning new things, i look forward to having another day with family and friends.I look forward to all the delicious food i can eat that day or all the things which i can spontaneously if i feel like it, or my plans for that day! I look forward to living and having another 24 hours!! Because I have CF my life expectancy is shorter than others but that wont stop me from living my life or dwelling over that fact, i could live to be 80 or 90 anyway!

But back to topic.... when you are feeling low and depressed Think of what you could be missing out on. You need to fight to make life better, it wont magically happen. Things dont always turn out the way you had planned or thought. If you had told me 3 years ago that my life would be like it is today i would have quite honestly have laughed and said there was no way possible for me to be in the stage of my life i am now. To be happy, to have friends, to have a boyfriend, to enjoy eating. To not worry about calories or whether i have missed a workout. But i made a change, i fought to make my life better... that was all i could do. Becoming more positive, more confident that all lead to me making more friends, doing more things with my life and seeing the positives of life to make it the best one possible.

i know you might be thinking... im just lucky? Im privelaged or that i just had good things going for me. But trust me, that is not the case. Recovery is not due to luck. Life is not due to luck, I can tell you that when i had first mentally and physically recovered and thought, now life will be good.... will have friends, a boyfriend, be healthy, have a balance with my workouts... the things i had longed for for so many years. But nope.... i found no friends in my new school, i burnt out due to over exercising, i became depressed and lonely and contemplated suicide that Christmas. Despite being recovered... But then i decided to make a change... to really try to connect with people. Be more open and make things better and so over the next 2 years they just got better and better!

I know this post has gotten a bit longer than expected but i just want to remind you all to NOT GIVE UP. No matter how tough your situation, no matter how much anxiety and darkness you may be facing. Things CAN get better, but its up to YOU to make them better.
  But also think about what you could be missing out on, because i can say if you had told my 14 year old self that i would be living my life like this right now... then i would have wanted recovery right away... though the fact that it took so many years for things to fall into place, yes that seems daunting and can make you ask the question of 'why... i just want things to get better now.'. But thats life... its a journey which you cant control and things fall into place at the right time and things happen for a reason!

1 comment:

  1. I completely agree. Great post. It may take years to recover and it's extremely hard but once you get on the top of the mountain, it's all worth it. Life without suffering has no meaning and you can use your pain for good. <3