The thoughts, the anxiety, the fears, the guilt, the eating disorder thoughts and mind sets passes. That is recovery, if i still knew what and felt what it was like to have an eating disorder then i wouldnt be fully recovered. I dont have a voice in my head controlling me, making me obsessed with comparison, ED thoughts or habits. I live a free life i control my own mind and when i do think negatively or have bad days i can change those thoughts and they usually pass within a day or a few days.
Of course i still have my memories and i can remember what its like to feel the extreme guilt and anxiety, but as each day passes it fades because thats not me anymore. It would be strange if i still remember exactly how it felt to feel guilty and anxious after eating or to feel fear before eating chocolate, but i dont feel that. I am free.
The thoughts and feelings they pass over time. That is recovery. Does that mean that i cant help as much? Well eventually there will come a day when i feel that i might not be as much help as i was just a year after recovery or so. But in all honesty i dont know if i want to spend my whole life blogging about eating disorders and about my past either... eventually i will move more towards health, nutrition and exercise and not have my past involved in that because i feel i am so judged on my blog here about my choices now a days just because of my past.
I dont want to be seen or judged as the girl who had an eating disorder, but see me as the healthy girl i am now. And choices are based on what is best for me, how i feel and what i feel like right then. Somedays i have lots of energy and do lots of things, somedays i forget to eat and only eat a few times. Somedays i spent the whole day in bed, somedays i eat lots or eat half a jar of nut butter or 5 slices of bread after breakfast. Everyday is different and none of those things or choices are related to my past.
However i feel this post is getting very off topic - too many thoughts at once. But i was accused of being wrong because what i post can trigger those who are sick, but the fact is its not my responsibility to be completely trigger free because what triggers people can be very different. I can only do my best and to post things which i feel i want to post, to write what i want to write and if someone doesnt like what i post or write, then it is their decision to stop following or reading for their own sake. There will always be triggers out there and instead of accusing someone else of doing wrong, you have to deal with the triggers, comparison etc within yourself because the triggers wont just disappear, its YOU who has to make the triggers not triggers and learn to not compare yourself to others. Its tough, its not easy but thats the only thing that will give you mental peace.
Before this post becomes too scattered and too many different things at once, im going to end it here... and hopefully it makes some sense and i have gotten something important and useful information out in this post :):)
**TRIGGER WARNING PICTURES BELOW**
^^In "recovery" when i actually did eat, i thought this was enough for a lunch.... ???