Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Do i ever have bad days or fall back into eating disordered behaviours?

I can get alot of questions via email asking me if i still do this or still do that. Whether i still get anxiety over food or compensate, asking me if i am actually recovered or if i ever fall back into my eating disorder. And on some occasions i get emails where i am keep working and striving towards recovery. I always get very confused by that statement when it is told to me? But i prefer to shrug it off and think that maybe the person emailing me hasnt read my whole story and in actuality it is a very sweet gesture :) Isnt that what i write to others anyway.

*'Warning LONG post!*

So, i decided to answer all these questions (sort of) in a post.

First off..... one of the top questions i can get asked is: Is real recovery actually possible? Can you get rid of all the thoughts? And why can others recover and not me?

To sum it all up quickly YES, i do believe real recovery is possible. Many people do say that recovery from an eating disorder isnt possible and that you will for the rest of your life have fucked up thoughts about food and might still have weird behaviours and that everyday is a battle but that you can cope.
   I always feel very  irritated when people say this? Because i dont believe its true. Not at all. I believe that that statement is for those in half recovery.... a stage which, is so easy to get stuck in and never leave because well.... you can half live your life. You can eat, go out with friends, work, slowly move forward in life. But you are still held back by so many different ways. Fears, routines and habits holding you back and so even if you can do your daily things, you never truly live because you are too scared to let go. So if someone tells you that and they claim they are healthy, then i dont think they are actually healthy, they are still in half recovery stage. Even if they make look healthy and might have a somewhgat normal life.
  But that just shows how hard and how evil and manipulative the eating disorder is. That people can be struggling and it is never really noticed.

So, why can some people fully recover and others not? Its all about motivation and a persons own will to fight. No one can make you recover, they can make you gain  weight. But recovery from an eating disorder is more than the physical aspect, its about the mental aspect. Its about yuor fears, your insecurities, your habits, your thoughts and everything else controlling you. If it was just about gaining weight then no one would be struggling for so many years. Of course, the physical is important because when you are undernourished and underweight you cant think clearly. Your brain is not functioning properly so everything becomes a bit more distorted and it is harder to fight. But when you are a normal weight and eat properly, then your brain gets more energy and you can actually fight your eating disorder better because YOU and the rational part inside your head becomes stronger. So yes, weight gain is also important even if the mental part is more important.
   The reason someone fully recovers is because they keep fighting, they dont give up. They get rid of all their eating disorder habits, they let go of their fears, their anxieties and compulsions around food, exercise and other habits.
   They form new healthy habits and beginning living a normal life where food is no longer the main focus or anxiety doesnt control their life. Its a process, just like with self love... it took me 2 years to get to the stage i am today with truly loving my body. With recovery, you need to choose it everyday. Its not just a... May 4th i choose recovery and then you never make an effort to change things or to eat even if you think you have choosen recovery. But recovery is a choice you make everyday.

So.... do i ever fall back into eating disorder habits?

I would say no. But at the same time, of course i have bad days. I have written about it before but i can quite easily fall into depression, if i get too stressed or have too much going on i can begin hiding myself in a corner, blocking everyone out and start thinking about self harm and suicide. This of course i try not to write about too much on here. Because even if i can have some very dark days and days where things feel hopeless and i have no motivation to keep living, its then that i try to take a break from things. I try to do things i enjoy and get up each morning, even if i just want to stay in bed. I keep struggling through the grey cloud around me and eventually it will get better. So even if i am positive 90% of the time its not always like that, but i believe that if i just keep focusing on the positives then things will get better and that i can make things better!
    Also as you might know, if you've read my blog for a long time. I am not so good at coping with stress, i try different techniques and some work sometimes, but at times it gets too much. So then when i am stressed i lose my appetite and can begin losing weight, which then triggers other things. When i lose weight i do find myself thinking more about food and also have mood swings. So a year or so ago when i fell into a period of bad days then something really silly like my mum didnt buy vanilla yoghurt but bought strawberry yoghurt made me really angry... but then 5 minutes later i started laughing about it because i was like what... this doesnt make sense and ate the strawberry yoghurt anyway. haha
What i do know is that if you have had an eating disorder it is easier to fall back into it..... it can happen unconsciously, a few bad choices and suddenly you are counting calories again or you start skipping carbs and suddenly all carbs scare you. So i think that it is important to be aware of how you are thinking and the choices you make and why you make them.
  But also, i know many are scared of having a BMI higher than 18 or 19, but the truth is... after an eating disorder you do need to weight more. This is because 1) your body has been so stressed that it needs to weigh more to function properly but also 2) it decreases the chance of relapse. For me, when i had a BMIof 18,5/19 when i was declared healthy, it only took a few months before i was depressed again and had lost weight and thoughts were coming back. (This was also due to stress, anxiety and lonliness in school which triggered me to feel so negative and then i lost my appetite). But now when i weigh more and have a BMI of 21 or 22 or something like that if i lose weight it doesnt really trigger anything for me... and not even if i eat less one or two days, that just makes me really hungry. So by weighing more, i am decreasing my chance of relapse but also with time my coping mechanisms become even better.

Soooo... to answer the actual question, if i havent already.... No, i dont really fall back into eating disorder habits. I can have bad, negative days or periods. But i dont start counting calories or getting anxiety over eating a cinnamon bun or 100g chocolate, i just move on with my life :)

And for those of you who dont know, yes i am declared healthy for 2,5 years. And even if i have had ups and downs during that time, i havent relapsed or become sick. Just finding ways to live life and cope with the ups and downs of life :)'


  1. <3 this post Izzy :) And you look so, so amazing at the healthy weight. This post reminds me of when I was at the clinic yesterday. The therapist told me that one of the reasons why I couldn't make myself want to recover, to gain weight - despite there being so many reasons why I clearly should do so - is that my brain might be undernourished too making it hard to think rationaly and logically like a normal person. xxxxx

  2. Hi izzy
    I need advice... I went for a walk this morning, just 15 minutes and I am used to doing a lot of exercise each day and eating like 2500 calories. But I am sore and don't want to do anything else today. If I have a lazy day... Should I only want like 2000? 2000 calories really isn't that much food!!

    1. eat 2500 :) You dont need to exercise to eat.... you eat so that you have energy to exercise... or rest.... because food keeps your body alive. Food gives you energy so that your cells, organs, brain can function properly :)
      So eat 2500 and rest :) Your body will thank you!!

  3. To Emily: when i was at a low weight, it was very difficult for me to try and recover... I don't know if that was the reason, but it could be :/ Good luck in your recovery!! I believe you can do it!! :)

    1. <3 thank you so much, you are so kind, i appreciate that very much :) <3 x

    2. I agree. When I started to gain weight, I became a lot more motivated and it was almost like I was "addicted" to food. I just can't stay away from my sweets :)

      I have faith you'll get there Emily! Just think, you are helping yourself and your family and friends won't have to see you struggle anymore or worry about your weight. That was my main motivation. I didn't want to die and I wanted my parents to not worry and I wanted to get my friends back and go out on dates.

    3. <3 thank you so much! I am really touched by your support <3 I think though that was a fear for me - getting "dependent" on food and wanting to eat all the time. But is this generally what happens in recovery? I sturggle for motivation, too, that's another big problem for me. My only motivation really is to make my family and loved ones happy. But maybe this will change in time. xxx

  4. Izzy. If you don't mind me asking, what sparks your depression or serious stress/ anxiety? What coping methods work for you? How do you get out of a slump of really bad days?

  5. You are a naturally light-structured person, Izzy, I think we all agree on that. Even still, do you sometimes for instance lie on your bed and feel some of your bones pressing on yourself lightly and think: "Am I still too skinny?"

    This is no kind of attempt to shame you for anything that you are. I've just personally got some experience of this, as a recovered and normal weight person, that's why I'm asking.

    1. Dont worry, i dont mind you asking :)
      No, i dont personally feel that i am too skinny... i feel happy and healthy in my body. I feel that im not too skinny and im not overweight either, im normal. Though i do admit, if i didnt have as much muscle as i do, then i know i might weigh less and look differently. Without weight training i know i would still be skinny as a stick, which was something i didnt like as much after i had recovered, so i like how my body has developed and changed and now feel so much more comfortable and happier in my body! :)

      If you do feel that you are still to skinny, then try to gain weight. Even if you are a normal weight, maybe the weight you are at isnt your set point or maybe that is not where you feel more comfortable or happy at. So give it a try :) And if you dont like how you feel after gaining a few kilo, you can lose it again. Or you can always try loving yourself as well, seeing that you are pretty just the way you are :)

  6. I did not believe it either, that one can fully recover, but now I do, because once the fear is replaced with love, the fear-thoughts disappear.