Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: email@example.com
Monday, December 29, 2014
"Another year is almost over. I am glad!! This year was a terrible one in which I made so many mistakes and said goodbye to so many things I had. My "disorder" aka bipolar, severe depression, obsessive compulsive disorder got completely out of hand. I spent most of the year hating myself, hating life and continually overdosed in the hopes that I would die. The last time was bad. I drank X pills and soon fell into a deep sleep. I don't remember much, except trying to go to the bathroom once but I couldn't keep myself upright and holding onto the walls didn't help. On my attempt back to my room I collapsed halfway on the bed and halfway on the floor and stayed that way for a few hours. The next two days I couldn't move from my bed. My dad tried to get me to eat or drink something but I refused and for those two days didn't eat or drink anything. As the sedation wore off, I tried going to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth but I couldn't stand for longer than 10 seconds or I blacked out so I had to sit on the floor. After those two days my dad had arranged for me to go to Denmar, the psychiatric hospital, in the hopes that they could get me on medication that would make me function like a normal person. Really, if my father had a choice, he wouldn't have sent me there, it was either that or I would die from starvation. I was one big emotional mess. Uncontrollable crying, all I wanted was to die and I really didn't care anymore. I've never felt so alone, so unloved and so lost in my entire life. People I thought cared were really too self-righteous to give a crap and judgment and ignorance was all I got. But they didn't understand that I had a chronic physical illness. Just because it's psychiatric and in my brain, doesn't make it any less serious than cancer or any other chronic illness. It's a structural abnormality, a genetic flaw and it's a lifelong illness. I couldn't understand why I was so messed up, why I would cry for no reason, why one minute I was happy and the next I wanted to kill myself. I felt hopeless and was in denial that I needed medication. If so many people could live without it, I wanted to believe I could too, that I could control it. But after my last attempt, I realized I really couldn't, that unfortunately I am sick and I'm going to have to stay on medication for the rest of my life.
Those two weeks at Denmar were a turning point for me and was so different from all the other times I've been there. I let God back into my life and chose to trust Him. I suddenly started seeing things from a different perspective. I learned so much about myself, things that I had forgotten once existed and that they were still there, I wasn't completely dead on the inside. I laughed so much and so hard with my roommates, something I haven't done and felt in years. I realized there are things I enjoy and creativity was one of them. It was through doing art that I could focus my thoughts and learn more lessons. For a few days I felt as if this weight I've been carrying around my whole life just lifted. I could think clearly and felt so normal that I realized this illness is NOT a part of my personality. I found myself starting to look forward to the future and thinking more positively. I saw my doctor every day and was put on a lot of medication. Sertraline for OCD and anxiety, Molipaxin for sleep and an antidepressant, Wellbutrin for depression, Lamictin for bipolar disorder and a mood stabilizer, and zyprexa- another mood stabilizer with an antidepressant effect. I really do feel as though switching to another doctor who put me on this medication saved me. I really do feel more stable and my moods aren't so erratic. I really don't want to kill myself, I want to live, there are things I want out of this life- a family of my own, to finish my medical studies, to do charity work and help animals, to be creative and do things I enjoy. Just coming to that realization gives me so much to hold onto. Letting God back into my life and choosing to trust him and not be angry at him anymore is also one of the best things that happened.
So how is it going now? Antidepressants and all the other meds I'm on take at least 6 weeks to really kick in, it's only been three weeks now but I already do feel much much better. I'm going to continue taking my medication. When my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder and I read up some more about it and learned things at the hospital, I understood so much about myself and how to manage this. The thing is, it's never going to truly go away, BUT it can be very manageable. You CAN lead a normal life, you CAN be happy. I know these things are true; that I am worth fighting for, that there is ALWAYS a way out of every tough situation, that choosing to no longer feed my thoughts with hateful lies about myself, negativity and surrounding myself with positivity can truly make a difference. What I want to say to anyone out there struggling with psychiatric conditions is this; when you come to accept your condition and choose to get help, you can change your life. Realize that it's not your fault that you act and feel the way you do and know that it's necessary to take medication if you aren't coping. There is always hope. <3 p="">3>
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