Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, December 27, 2014

My motivation to recover/How i kept going

For me, my motivation to recover  was that i realised i wanted to live life. I had spent so much time in hospital, being sick, hating myself and trying to lose weight and all that it brought me was more anxiety, guilt and hatred. Though it took a long time for me actually want to recover. When i was admitted as an inpatient for my 5th time i thought, thats it... im not doing it anymore. I give up. I had already attempted suicide before but i made a plan that i would collect as many painkillers as i could and the next time i had a permission out i would take them and that that time it would actually kill me. So that became my plan, it was like it made things a little easier because i knew i would kill myself in a few weeks time. Though things didnt go as planned because the staff and my mum no longer trusted me as i had been an inpatient so many times and they knew that i couldnt be at home. The staff at Mando told me that i wouldnt be allowed home any time in the near future and that the only reason i was at Mando was because i wasnt allowed to be home (as my doctor told me that if i was at home it would have lead to my death.) So i was just at Mando waiting to be admitted to either a psychiatric hospital or another eating disorder clinic.  When i was told that i wasnt allowed home it ruined my plan of overdose so I threatend to run away and i had packed my things and ready to go. But then i got my jacket and shoes and money & bus card taken away from me and told that i wasnt allowed visitors as it could make things harder for me. So i was stuck at Mando for weeks with barely any visitors and no time out. And it was sometime then i realised that what i was doing to myself and my life wasnt what i wanted. I didnt want to sit in hospital... i realised i could sit in hospital, be skinny and hate myself or i could try to live my life. Be bigger and weigh more than i wanted, but i would atleast have some type of life.
  I knew that if i were to lose weight and not eat i would just end up at Mando or even worse, strapped to a bed with tube feeding... as that was pretty much my future if i didnt start to do things right.
   My sister was also my motivation, i saw how she lived her life and i wanted that as well... i wanted to be like any normal teenager with school problems instead of anxiety over food. To have a boyfriend and friends instead of having nightmares of getting fat and creeping anxiety in body because i couldnt exercise. So that became my motivation... i wanted a life. I wanted to be happy and have my teenage years.

HOWEVER... i think this is important to add. When i recovered, things didnt turn out the way i had imagined. When i first began school again i had almost no friends, i cried often because i hated my school, i became depressed again and relapsed (during recovery, i wasnt recovered at this time) and then finally when i started a new school again after a year i thought.... this is the time. This is when my life will turn out the way i want it to be... it didnt. It took me a few months in my new school (the one i go to now) to find the friends i am with now. I once again felt lonely and depressed, but i didnt give up. I wanted life, and so i shaped life the way i want it to be... now.

So know that life is hard, its not easy. And things dont always turn out the way you want it to be... but life has turned out good for me. Even if there are up and down times, thats life. 

But you need to find your motivation to recover, to keep going. And say your motivation is to go to that school trip with your friends and then you arent allowed to go, its not the end of the world. You just need to keep going and know that it will get better eventually. It did for me, and it willl for you as well.
  Even if it may  not seem like it, it may feel like negative thing after negative thing happens. But you got to keep strong!!!!

Life isnt easy and neither is recovery, but BOTH are worth it.

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