Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Find how to cope with the 'actual' problem

Eating disorders are often consequences of something else.... they are a mental illness which has arisen from something else. Whether it started from a diet or abuse or something else, it is a consequence. There are very few - as far as i know - who have an eating disorder who set out to have an eating disorder. I dont think you purposely skipped a meal or purged hoping to develop bulimia or orthorexia, or you cut out sweets and chocolate in the hopes of becoming orthorexic.
   Thats not really how it is, thats why ive always been confused about promia or proana's.... i dont really know why they want to have an eating disorder? To actually suffer from an eating disorder is, in my own words 'a living hell'. Its a mental battle everyday, challenges, fears, anxiety and guilt. Its not something a person should long for.

However Proana/promia is not what i had planned to talk about here... what i had planned to write about was learning to cope with your 'actual problems'. It can be hard to know what the actual reason is why you became sick, but for me personally i know it had something got to do with control, low self esteem and scared of the future... there was of course events which triggered me to eat less and to begin thinking i was fat and making me want to lose weight... but the reason i ate less and exercised more wasnt because in the beginning i thought i was fat or because i thought i needed to lose weight.
  It was because i felt i had no control in my life... my CF was controlling me. I was sick all the time. I was going from one house to the other.... spending alot of time sick in hospital or at home. I disliked my life and began disliking myself. But also i was in the stage of my life where i was thinking of the future... i was only 11 but i was scared that i wouldnt live past 30 because of my CF. All my dreams and hopes became crushed and suddenly i was 11 years old and felt hopeless, like i had no future... and that was the beginning of my depression as well as the beginning of my ED (& i had a food comment from a teacher among other things that triggered me and my ED behaviour).

Recovering from my eating disorder didnt mean just gaining weight and eating some fear foods, it also meant Learning to cope. Learning to cope with fears and anxieties, learning to cope with the things that scared me and also learning to cope with life in general,.

I KNOW that i dont deal well with stress... i know that stress can cause me to become depressed (not just sad, but actual depressed when i begin thinking of suicide and self harm) stress can also cause me to eat less or more from lack of apetite or extreme emotions. But these are things i KNOW. I know they happen to me so i have learnt to deal with them.... 1) If i ever get very negative or dark thoughts i deal with them. I know that suicide wont help the problem, that the actual problem is stress and isntead i need to go for a run, or i need to sit and study or just to turn everything off... to take a break. And with food, i know that if i ever undereat or over eat... i dont feel bad for it. Instead for the next meal i eat more/less and the next day i focus on doing better.
  I am not a robot and i am not perfect. I am still human and i still have emotions and mess up. But i know what my 'problems' are and i know how to deal with them which is the most important.

I also know that i can get alot of anxiety for silly reasons this once again is something i have learnt to cope with. Even if it means crawling into a ball on my bed and just taking time to breathe and meditate... that helps me.
These were problems which i sort of had before i became sick but they also developed while i was sick and became stronger... ive always had low self esteem and never really been able to cope with stress, but as ive gotten older the stress has become worse and more which of course strengthens my reactions towards stress, but i know how it affects me and i know how to cope which is what matters.

With this post i want to say, LEARN TO KNOW WHAT YOUR TRIGGERS/PROBLEMS ARE. What is it that caused you to overeat/undereat/over exercise/purge etc... what is it that you are trying to escape from/cope with etc
  Maybe its abuse, maybe its that you are scared of something... the future etc, maybe its just really low self esteem or you have been bullied etc
  But knowing what it is that your problems have come from... whether its genetic etc is helpful and will help you in recovery. Because your problems will still be there... they dont just disappear. You cant run away from your problems.

For me, i thought i could run away from my CF by not taking my medicine which was basically the starting point of things. I thought i could be normal if i didnt take my medicines which lead to me becoming even more sick... the more i rebelled the more i became sick. But also my control issues, trying to control everything - this is something which i have very little problems with now a days. I like to plan my own days, but i dont feel the need to control everyone else and everything else. I no longer panic if things dont go the way i had planned or thought out.
With this post i want you to think about what it is that started all of this.... it might be hard ot knwo if it was years ago, but also its not always easy to know.- But think about it, because recovery isnt just weight gain its about learning to cope. Knowing how to cope with the guilt and anxiety or stress. Otherwise you will still have problems because really... life is just about coping with different things.

 ^^Not really knowing who i was at that time.. but wanting to be someone else hence why i coloured my hair so often... i wanted to escape my own life. Be someone else.


  1. awesome post!! my ed came from me wanting to have control due to divorces and sexual abuse.

    1. Im so sorry to hear that, but hopefully you have been able to overcomet hose things and not let them affect you (too much) in your present.

  2. Running off the edge of the topic.

    I just want to make sure if you were and are ok with my comments in that post of yesterday. I sent them with quite a little considering but I felt that I hadn't said anything hurtful. If they bothered you I'm ready to make an unconditional apologize.

    1. Dont worry they didnt offend me, i just didnt feel a need/have time to answer. :) You didnt say anything rude or offensive i just think its good what you wrote!

  3. This is such a good post!! Thank you and everything you wrote about is very true :)

  4. Hi izzy, I was just wondering, when you went through recovery did you go from what your body was like straight to how it is now (toned) or did you have the fat around the tummy and thighs and then get to where you are now? I'm nearly weight restored and I really don't know what to do to get my back to how it was before anorexia! xx

    1. Ive been going to the gym for 2,5 years... so my body has changed alot during that time. I did have more fat around my belly before... but i was more bloated as well. How my body has changed is not something i have worked towards, i mean my goal has never been to look a certain way. More to feel stronger and have more toned arms, thats it really...
      I wouldnt focus on changing your body, because that can lead to obsession. But if you enjoy working out, do that and vary it. Find balance and challenge yourself and you'll see that your body might change - though that shouldnt be your main goal.