Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, November 15, 2014

Sharing victories

Olivias story/progess.

When I started eating more normally I started feeling very full all the time, I was bloated most of the time and had a tight and uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Even though I was eating 'normal' portions. I was worried I would always feel uncomfortable while eating 'normal' amounts. Also, once I started eating normal portions and frequently I felt like I was out of control. Not only did I not have a routine where I'd restrict and then binge and then restrict again and so on and so on in order to keep my weight down, but I also felt the constant need to put something in my mouth. Maybe since I was 'allowed to eat' my brain thought like this wasn't permanent, that I wouldn't be able to eat forever. I was constantly going back and forth so I guess thats why I subconsciously thought that soon everything would change. 
I was afraid that I would never eat 'properly' and structured. I was snacking a lot and my meals weren't as large as they were supposed to be because I was always full from the snacking. I had no structure. Im not saying you should always eat the same amount at the same time. No thats not healthy either. Normal eating is very different. One day worth of food will not look the same as another day for the same person. And in order to get all the vitamins you need your diet should include a variety of different foods, not just the same thing day in and day out. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is if you can relate or have struggled with similar things like feeling bloated, feeling tight and uncomfortable in the stomach once you start eating regularly and more, if you feel line you're eating too much, if you feel like you have no structure in eating at all, DONT PANIC. You're not alone. And it WILL pass. For some it may take longer than for others. It can take a few weeks or months. But if you keep eating, keep fighting those thoughts inside your head it gets easier. You need to keep doing the next right thing, baby steps. 
One of the reasons I had no structure in my eating was that I spent so much time at home and was often very bored. I wasn't going to school due to moving and most days were spent on the internet, watching TV, reading, working out or eating. When I went out it was nice but I never felt like I was doing good or achieving something or getting work done. I did not have a sense of accomplishment at that time in my life. I wanted to get busy, do something productive. And when I attempted several times to start different projects I gave up on all of them. 
When I started school after a looong vacation it was hard, I admit it. I was lost, I often had no idea what I was supposed to be doing or what the teacher was talking about because the school was so different from what I was used to. In addition, I found it hard to make friends. I still don't have a group of friends I can really connect with. But, after maybe a month I felt like I understood the material better, I talked more with the people I sit with in class. I still don't talk as much as most people do as I don't have so much to say, but now I feel less scared. I think now its only going up. Im not trying to be the most popular kid in the school or class, I don't want hundreds of friends. Thats not what I want. Whats happening now is I'm getting the hang of it, Im not so scared anymore, I enjoy talking with some people. I don't feel soo left out like before. 
Once I started school I had work to be done, I felt more productive like I was accomplishing something. I was getting stuff done. Sometimes I thought 'this isn't what I want. I want to go back on vacation. I hate school. I feel like a loner. I have no friends.etc.' but it HAS got better. And also because I have a schedule now that helped my eating too. I have different meals and I have snacks. There is a pattern. Its not always the same but there is a sort of system where I have meals and snacks. This schedule helped me eat intuitively too. Its almost like having a meal plan. Only mine didn't include what I ate. And the times varied once I was out of school. But this helped me tremendously. Now when I eat a meal I can walk to school and not feel like I'm about to explode. I don't have the constant urge to put something in my mouth. I have meals and snacks. My eating is more structured now and I feel better too. 
Just know that this will pass, its not forever and you will get through this if you keep eating enough :)

15 comments:

  1. That's incredible, Olivia! so so proud of you. you can do this, and you're an amazing individual x

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    1. Thank you so, so much!! Both your comments put huge smiles on my faces! :)

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  2. I feel exactly like that right now. People are telling me to eat whatever I want, but it's the biggest question and battle in my head on if I want something or not. It's like I think I want EVERYTHING and I can't decide. I just try to take it one day at a time, and make the best decisions and try to remember everything is fine in moderation. When I feel the need to binge, I have started either reading my book, taking a shower, or calling/texting a friend. This seems to help a lot of the time.

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    1. That is great that you have found what works and helps yuo :)

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  3. Wow, Olivia I really really admire you so much for what you already reached ;) keep it up like that, it sounds amazing and I am so happy for you, you were able to realize a final change is needed to get out of this stupid illness :) I also feel the same way as you do, but for me it is still hard to concentrate on all the other life worthy things in life instead of eating ;) so how did you free your mind?
    xxx Ange

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    1. Wow, thank you!! This is a hard question to answer. I think me being in school helped, getting busy. Of course at first it was stressful but then I got the hang of it. But for some it can be extremely hard to concentrate, and if you're not getting enough food than going to school is only making things even more stressful and hard. I think having something to do, something to make you feel good about yourself, whether its blogging or working out (if you're allowed to) or working on a project you're passionate about/enjoy doing, could make you focus less on ED thoughts. But, of course what worked for me might not work for someone else. I also found that trying to be more positive helped tremendously! Cuddling with my dog, enjoying good food, exercising, talking with people and other things helped me get through the day. So find what makes YOU happy, something you enjoy :) And also talking with people, even people you just met, about anything, enjoying human communication helps a lot. I hope this helped somehow :)
      Olivia

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    2. Thaaaaanks so much for taking time to think about my question and your honestly faaab answer ;) because I absolutely feel the way you described it ;) I could´t barely concentrate on anything in my worst episode :( it was horrible and I think you are so right, that eating makes it mostly easier and thaank you for the other tips ;) :-* especially the social and communicative aspect is so important and great I think ;) so hopefully I am gaining more experience with it again but I try to think positive about it and then it will work surely ;)
      Thaaanks for your advice, you and Izzy are such special people, you achieved so much and keep that up ;)
      xxx

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  4. Thankyou so much Olivia for sharing you're progress! It's so helpful to see people moving towards a healthier attitude towards food and life in general :) I think you are doing amazingly so keep going! I know I'm struggling with feeling like all I do is constantly eat but I'm hoping that time will make it feel more normal and stop all the bloating. X

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    1. Your comment made me feel so happy! Thank you!<3 You're right, I'm sure the more you do something good for you and your body the less weird it feels and the more comfortable it will get. Stay strong! :)

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  5. This is wonderful to hear, and really motivational! I too am struggling...I think about food all the time and recently upped my intake to try to weight restore some more and I'm terrified, but I know that I just have to stick it out. I'm also finding it hard to find comfort/excitement/enjoyement out of other things in life. I've tried to make a list of hobbies etc that I enjoy, however there is only so much reading, painting of my nails, etc that I can do! How did others find enjoyment out of the other things in life? xxx

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    1. Its great that you have upped your intake, trust me this is a good thing and will help you!! :)

      Try new things... be creative. Watch youtube tutorials and try something new! Paint, draw, start playing an instrument, make collages or vision boards, take photos, bake, write, do soduko, watch a new series, play computer games etc etc
      Find new fun things to do!! :)

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    2. Thank you izzy, this is some great advice! I never thought about YouTube tutorials!

      Can I ask you something too please? I still find food shopping really stressful, as I am constantly walking around trying to challenge myself, and buy foods I really want, but get scared, and go for a safe option, to then put it back etc...and I still idolise certain foods, how did anyone get around this? Xxx

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  6. :) <3
    I really really admire you Olivia so much for your strength, your positivity, and for the wonderful, inspirational advice you give. You are just such an amazing and lovely person! I am so happy to think that you found the way to defeat the ED and that things are easier for you now - noone could deserve it more! I really hope that your future is filled with happiness and everything that you wish for. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and for giving such constructive and helpful advice (as always :) ) Wishing you all the best for now and the future Olivia <3 xxxxxxx

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