Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, November 17, 2014

my day and thoughts

I dont even know where to start with today.... Im just going to say - warning for long post right from the beginning!!!

So it began with excess energy this morning so i decided i would walk to the gym - usually takes 15 minutes, and then i wouldnt have to warm up there. However 5 minutes after i start walking i get this really weird  cramp and burning feeling in my right calf. Im not sure if it was my shoes or something, but it was burning and i didnt know what to do.. but i kept walking as i was getting closer to the gym and figured it would take longer having to wait for the bus. But then i really needed to pee - the problems of drinking 2 cups of coffee. When i finally got to the gym 25 minutes later i was half hobbling forward due to the cramp in my leg as well as needing the bathroom (yup - just wrote that online for thousands of people!!!!) it had also been really windy outside. So i just looked like one crazy mess!! hahaah
    But my workout went really well, and so did my first lesson as well as my in class essay - which i will have time to edit next lesson! Though writing a proper analyzing essay within an hour is barely possible :/
  My next lessons past slowly and finally it was my last lesson and i was feeling tired and hungry - as i had barely 20 minutes to eat lunch i didnt get to eat the amount which i wanted. Though i did get some cake afterwards - to celebrate a friends birthday :) So that helped with energy.
However in my last lesson there is a girl who is super skinny and ive always thought about how skinny she is and how it cant be healthy. But i never really thought so much else about it, as i dont want to judge anyone without knowing them. But during the past few weeks she hasnt been coming to the lessons and today when she did come you could see how she had lost alot of weight and she looked completely drained of energy. And it was then it clicked that, unless she has some other illness she might be suffering from an eating disorder - she also had to leave half way through the class. So im thinking it might be an eating disorder.
   But it brought up some really weird thoughts inside of me. All these weird feelings which i cant even put words to. It was like something triggered me, if im being honest. And i am very honest on my blog, im only human.
  But the weird thing is that i dont even know what it is inside of me that made me feel the way i did. And i dont even know how i felt..... it was this weird mix of tiredness, old memories and also wanting to help her. But not knowing how.
    This morning also in school we had to talk about a turning point in our lives.... and the memories that popped into my head was: Being diagnosed with anorexia, being admitted to inpatients, Being admitted to hospital due to CF, overdosing, attempted suicide, being declared healthy, the moment i decided to recover.....  all of them turning points in my life. But i couldnt share them... it was like i looked at my class and my friends and just thought: There is so much they dont know about me. Sometimes i feel like a completely different person. Its not that im lying, its just that im not going to just bring something like that up randomly during a lunch or something. But that was sort of the beginning  of these weird thoughts.....

Im now going to have dinner and watch series for the rest of the evening - it was nice to come home and know that i dont need to study at all. Not this evening anyway. Im thinking some writing to try to figure out whats going on in my thoughts might be helpful as well :)

I hope you all have had a lovely day :)


  1. I'm sure that many readers are grateful for your honesty about that sudden snap in your mind. In a way, it "proves" (not that it would be suspectable anyway) that you've actually been there, too, that you're not just a super psychologist who has practically solved the puzzle of the mysterical ED mind with literal brain pieces of some 100 000 anorexic girls used in that study and then just yagging here how you KNOW where your troubled readers have been.

    I say it again because I tend to be one tangle of a writer: I have never thought that you would ever be such a wannabe soulsister! I just noticed that being open about moments like that really make you a walking person with an actual history with such a thunderstorm in the eyes of even the most cynical readers, if there even are any :D People here seem to be extremely sweet!

  2. Izzy, I hope this isn't a triggering comment for you or anyone reading it but I definitely identify with that feeling. I think that you've been through a lot and it's lonely to keep that all to yourself - at my university noone knows about my history with an ED and when I see someone who has an ED I almost feel jealous of them because it used to be "my thing" and now it's not any more and I know how stupid it is to think like that. But at the same time I feel so guilty for that thought and so sorry for them because I know how much effort it is to recover. It is a really hard feeling to explain. But I love how honest this post was, thank you so much x

  3. I love your honesty. Nowadays honesty has a great value. I know what you mean. I read somewhere that because one has had these sort of habits or copping skills for a long time they get so used to it. So when you see something like a sort of reminder it triggers some thoughts. It in no way means you're not recovered. No, thats not what I'm saying. But I think its something in the brain too. In this situation the sick you would most likely feel like they need to keep up with that girl and would feel bad for eating or feel not sick enough. Just something I found and thought was interesting.
    And with feeling like a different person I totally understand this. People like friends and people I've known for a long time, people I'm very close too don't know half of what I've been through. Sometimes, especial at my worst, I so wanted to tell someone, just get it out, let them know what I had to go through on a daily basis and still deal with to some degree. My thought, my fears, my routines, my actions. Some much has gone unnoticed, unknown. And the main reason was because I, me, didn't want anyone to find out. Because I was and still am so scared.
    And to Katriina who commented above: yeah, people are so nice here! :) Such a nice thing that there are no 'haters' or anything. Such a supportive and helpful atmosphere :)