Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, November 27, 2014

Another thought post

The past few days i have had alot of thoughts about a certain topic, but never really written about it here. I didnt think it was necessary or needed, but now i felt i needed to write some of my thoughts out...

***These are just some random body thoughts.... and once i write them out they help me alot. It feels like my worries and stresses are already gone by just writing my post below. :)
   Writing is my way to help myself, to deal with how im feeeling and what im thinking! 

And my thoughts are about my body. After all im still a girl, and everyone has small things they might not like about themselves. Though its not something i dont like about myself but its.... i am so very split about the way i feel about my body and how i see myself in the mirror. One moment i might look in the mirror and think Damnnn... i look good. Another moment i might look in the mirror and think....Im still so tiny... i need to grow even more! and then other times i think Im too big... i have too much muscle, i most probably intimidate people/guys?

And these 3 feelings and thoughts they spin like a circle and i never really know how i will feel... its not that i dont like my body or hate what i see, not at all. Its just that at times i can feel insecure and begin wondering what do others think of me? Not that that matters at all, what matters is that im happy and healthy.

Today when we were filming a video for one of my classes and when we looked back at what we had filmed the first thing i noticed when i saw myself on the camera was my arms and shoulders. First thought was Wooww, ok they are really toned, when did that happen? Do i always look like that. All i was doing was holding a book but they looked good (if i can say so myself :)) but then another thought popped into my head thinking... no, its too much? What do others think... do others look at my body and think she has too much muscle. She is too manly.
  My friends and family all know i strength train and love doing it and they have never once said anything negative about my body, only positive things. But recently ive gotten more comments from both family and friends on how i look more 'defined' though i dont notice it myself.... not unless someone takes a picture of me when i dont notice or when im flexing and someone else takes the picture then i can get a little shocked. Its like i dont really see myself as i look? Somedays i feel alot smaller than i am, other days bigger.
  
I dont really know what im trying to get here... its just a ramble of thoughts i felt i need to formulate into something precise and into words. Due to the stress ive been feeling ive been alot more bloated and eaten so much recently - tiredness, stress, weird nonstop hunger/never feeling full. And i think its all brought about these thoughts..... they arent triggering me or any ED thoughts, just normal body thoughts i guess?

All these thoughts... and i can barely make sense of them myself. But i guess i just need to remind myself that actually, it doesnt matter what others think. As long as i am happy.... and i am happy, even if at times i can have doubts. I know that i love my body and love the way i look.
    Changing my body has never been a goal of mine with exercise so i think that is why i can feel so shocked sometimes when i do see a change because i dont notice it happen, its not something im working towards. So it feels weird when it does happen!!! 









I dont even know if i will publish this post or not....... Its just some thoughts ive been having recently.

7 comments:

  1. Your body is beautiful and healthy! Don't let society's norms define how you view your own body, stay true to what makes you happy. Hugs!

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  2. i think you look amazing!
    no matter how you look people are going to have different opinions, theres always going to be people that think you look great and people that are intimaded, jalous...
    so try to concentrate on how do you like yourself
    and if you like working out just do it! youre doing a great job and looking fantastic in my opinion <3

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  3. Its a good thing that you've decided to share those thoughts, as you said it can be an help to understand better what is the problem.
    Anyway, I think that you have a great body, and i 'be always thought that our body has to be a reflection of what we do, and what we love to do. When I used to play tennis my arms were way bigger than now, and I used to love them. But when I started to run my arms has gotten smaller and my quads and calves now are way more toned! Your body now is the prove that you are very strong, not only in muscle but also as a person! You've fought hard in the past years and now you have a soldier body! You should be proud of what you've became.

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  4. Seriously girl you look amazing and do what you enjoy! There is enough time to think about stuff when we are older! (Aaand then the muscles will probably gone when we are grannies XD)

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  5. Aaand just half my comment posted. But it's good that you post your thoughts, you should do it more often! It's YOUR blog! Anyway I also have these thought often but then I think to myself that I don't want to gk back to the girl that couldn"t lift a grocery bag. And when i'm at the gym they fade away and I love to get stronger! And all those looks people give you when you walk straight to the weights!

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  6. Being more muscular suits you because it reflects your lifestyle, future goals and career aspirations. I've always felt that one's physical appearance should reflect your character and personality and the life you lead. Some people reflect elegance and femininty because thats who they are on the inside and that's beautiful because it suits them whilst you reflect what's important to you- strength, fitness and freedom. X

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  7. You look so beautiful, I feel incredibly moved when I look at how far you've come. It really inspires me to keep my sights on remission.

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