Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Panic when eating - answer

The previous day i got an email from a reader wondering how to cope with panic when it comes to eating, but also about school work and dealing with guilt over what she had put her family through.
  I thought her question was something which im sure others could relate to and also i thought my answer was kind of good, so (with her permission - [email has been edited slightly to not give away anything personl]) ive decided to share her question and answer here as well :)

P.S the girl who sent this email has recently been struggling alot and gone through alot so Share all your lovely messages and motivation so that hopefully she -and others - can read them and feel inspired and motivated to not give up!!!

Hey izzy
I'm still finding it difficult and everyone's really trying hard to keep my out of hospital. To be honest it is my families stability that is keeping me out from hospital as my consultant thinks it's better to work with my mother one on one. Whenever I see food I just panic and cry and all logic leaves. No one can convince me. I say the most horrible things particularly to my parents and then afterwards I'm filled with so much self hatred for saying that that I find it even harder to eat the next meal. I miss at least one meal a day now and I'm barely managing Ccals. I know it's wrong but it's like I change person when I see the food and I can't help it. I feel so defeated. In addition to this I struggle with school work as I go to the hospital so often now that I'm missing a lot of lessons. I'm sure you must have dealt with school work and may b even this change of personality and I wanted to know what you did to overcome these challenges. The worst thing is the effect I know I'm having on my parents. They cry and shout and they are so upset. My mum feels a great burden coz she knows if the hospital don't think she can cope they'll admit  me but if I could start eating of my own back then the pressure will relieve and my father will be happier as well. It's got to the point where I'll have panic attacks if someone tries to give me diet Pepsi instead of diet coke because of the 1 cal difference

Typing this now I know that the way I react to food is illogical but as I said logic leaves the minute I see food to the point where I don't think I'm ill and all I care about is losing weight.

My answer:
To start off, i have a post about school work when sick which you might want to read:
 If you find that you cant keep up with your school work, talk to your school and your parents. Its a tough situation, ive been there. But prioritizing your health and your recovery comes first. You can repeat school, get a tutor etc but you cant repeat your life. And you dont need any more extra stress. For me, once i realised that i couldnt do both Mando and school it felt better. I had so much stress and anxiety over the school i was missing and i felt so stupid because i couldnt concentrate but when i wasnt doing school work anymore i didnt have to worry about that. 

And then i also have a post about feeling guilty for what you are putting your family though which you might want to read (if you havent already)

And for the guilt and panic when it comes to food. Well maybe you can begin with simple food instead.... instead of having a huge plate of oatmeal/yoghurt, toppings, juice etc etc maybe it would be easier to drink a smoothie? Maybe your mum could make it for you and then all you see is the glass infront of you... Or maybe eating something liek oatmeal biscuits or some oatmeal pancakes or having mashed potatoes instead of cooked potatoes or having pasta mixed with chicken and vegetables (example) instead of them on different sides of the plate. To make the quantatity look less can be very helpful... but also to eat foods you feel you can enjoy. It may feel like you dont enjoy any food, like nothing tastes good and you dont like anything. But thats not the truth.

What i recommend you do is that every week you decide on 5 types of food which you are going to test eating. Such as one week you decide you will try eating an apple, greek yoghurt, chicken, rice and hot chocolate. And then  through out the week you have to incorporate all of those into your eating... and preferably trying them more than once. And each week you add in different types of food into your diet, trying new foods.

You need to face your fears.

What i suggest you do is that you sit down and you ask yourself.... what do you want with your life? What are your goals in life? Is your goal really to be the skinniest person? Is your goal to freeze, lose your hair, lose your muscles and your strength, be hungry, avoid friends, isolate yourself from the rest of the world?`
Recovering is scary, its tough, its a mental battle but i can also tell you its worth it. You need to find a coping mechanism for the guilt and the panic. Know that eating WONT make you fat. But not eating will eventually kill you....
   Find a mantra or motto which you can tell yourself when you feel yourself panicking. Each time you have to eat repeat that mantra to get you to eat.... take deep breathe. Think logically... even if it takes you an hour to eat an apple, keep going. Work your way through it, fight the thoughts in your head. It wont get easier by avoiding the problem, hoping it goes away and never facing your fears.
  You need to face them, conquer your fears to get better.

Ask yourself why you want to lose weight and was is so great about losing weight.....? What will happen if you gain weight? What is so bad about gaining weight?
   You are smart, so dont let your ED fool you or trick you. Think rationally and logically because you know the honest answer...

It may be tough now, but until you decide to start fighting your ED, choosing your life and health over your illness it wont get better or easier.


  1. Hey, you already realized you get "illogical" when you see food: that means you already left the period of denial and that's the first step anyone needs to take to recover. Not wanting to accept there is a problem is usually the most fatal period, but now you're looking for help, you're putting those fears into words. You have to keep doing that, express them instead of letting them react against your own body. It's not easy everyday but I promise you, I PROMISE it gets easier once you're determined to get your life back. Prove the ed wrong. Try, on a notebook, on your laptop, to formulate those fears. What is is that scares you so much? What do you think is going to happen ? But most important, how is it going to happen? Be precise. I'm not telling you to get an expert in human anatomy or whatever, but look for those cracks in ana's logic, dig into them and break them apart. Because you already know they shouldn't make sense. And if you're not in a hospital but it still gets very hard with your parents, try to have someone else to talk to about it, a professional, that will help you understand why you're having those reactions. Maybe an outsider could help. Do things that empower you: it can be music, changing something about you (style, hair, idk): convince yourself you can be strong again, because it IS possible. Don't give up, you can speak louder than the sickness, it's your body, your life. You can do it. - C.

  2. Hey, stay strong sweetie I know you can do it!!
    You are a strong beautiful amazing person, and always know there will be people out there who are more than willing to help!! And love you! Like I do, even if I don't know you, I can tell you are a amazingly awesome person!
    Good luck and stay strong because you CAN do it, even if it is hard now, it will get better!!
    Livvy xoxo :)

  3. Hiiiiiiiiiiiii Hooney ;) I can´t resist from writing you now, because I can absolutely relate soo much to you ;) I was at exactly the same stage as you are now in in June/July... :( It was so horrible for me, too and I was behaving as cold as a stone towards my family, too :) buuuuut you have to remember: only YOU control your thoughts and you always have to remember that, because this horrible FEAR of food is only a construction of those as well :) and believe me that only by telling myself again and again that I need to eat it, because food is fuel for life and a medicine I need to take, I was able to start eating again ;) I didn´t even wanted to let a crumble touch my lips before and then I took over the control again and tried to ignore this mean voice in my head :( Remember why you want to be a normal girl again, because you can´t stay in this stadium forever and your family will be so glad too ;) and noticing that other people are proud of you as well, pushes your motivation in an enormous way, too :) Also I could´t really believe it at first, but reading such blogs as this one of Izzy helped me sooooooooo much, because you have the goal to become like her, a normal girl again, and she writes so positive and keeps you going :) you are doing so good in writing her, and keep it up, you are worth recovery and by times you start eating again, you are going to notice it will get easier and I hoooooope it so much for you, that you will be able to manage it :) YOU CAN DO IT! So go for it girl :) I believe in you :) Stay strong and never give up =)
    xxx Ange

  4. Hi hun :) I was really, really saddened and moved by your story. Just please know, that you are NOT alone in what you are going through. Even now I still feel intense guilt and shame for what I put my family through. And my ED meant that my studies bbasically went down the pan too. Because I didn't eat, I hadn't the energy or the motivation to study.I barely got through the first two years of university.
    Only you can make the decision to kick your ed's butt...your family will help you in every way they can i am sure!! no matter how much you may feel you are putting them through, they will never give up on you. but ultimately, as izzy need to be brave and say to yourself..this is NOT the real me, this is not the way i want to live my life, controlled by my ed, and unable to join one of life's most simple but most enjoyable pleasures which is eating.
    i know this is probably so, so hard for you, but just try to think about this logically...why am i afraid of food? what is it going to do to me, apart from make me strong and healthy, apart from giving my body the nutrients and energy it needs to function and breathe?
    first focus on the foods you love...try to recall the time when you didnt have this ed, dicatating to you what not to eat. think about how much you enjoy these foods, how good they will taste, and how, by eating them, you are going to help in making yourself are taking an active stance against your ed. then try new foods! look at the people around you...realise that enjoying food is part of who we are, we have a right to it. know that there is nothing, absolutely nothing to be gained for you to be stuck in this dark hole forever, isolated from your loved ones and friends, all because you are afraid to eat.
    i understand how you feel about the schoolwork... but i am totally in agreement with izzy, in that you shouldput your recovery first..use that as a motivation for recovery; knowing that if you get better, you will be able to study hard again, and achieve what you want to be. and know that by choosing recovery, that that is the best thing you could ever do for your see you happy, healthy and enjoying life and food again would be the most amazing gift to them ever...and that will make up for everything you ever did wrong, trust me. they will be so, so proud of you. you won't let them down! you can do it; you just need to beliee in yourself.
    sending you all my love and a tonne of hugs <3
    emily xxx