For me, i am a very determined and motivated person. If i put a goal up for myself, i want to reach it. Do i fight 110% to reach that goal everyday, no i dont. Im only human. But i know in the back of my head that i need to take small steps to reach the big goal, and thats what i did.
My goal was to come home, to be healthy. I had my sister as my inspiration, she was living her life. Going to school, had friends, a boyfriend. Ate when she was hungry, stopped when she was full. Ate both healthy and unhealthy and had(still has!) a gorgeous body. And thats what i wanted.....
I didnt want to be in hospital. I still wanted to be skinny, and the thought of gaining weight, the thought of becoming bigger and reaching my goal weight scared me. And i had times where i just wanted to give up because i didnt want to gain wieght, i didnt want to become bigger. But in the end, i knew i wanted to be healthy. So many years had passed me by. So many years of over exercising, starving myself, purging, self harm. I had missed out on friends, parties, special occasions. Ruined Christmasses and Easters, 2 years in a row my family had come to visit me in hospital on my sisters birthday. Sat and cried on my birthday because people were coming over and i didnt want to eat.
So many bad memories, and i didnt want it anymore.
My decision to actually recover came a few weeks after my last time as an inpatient, it was like something clicked in me. I was tired mentally and physically of being sick and i wanted to come home.
And then all these small steps that took me in the right direction towards recovery. It wasnt always easy, infact in the beginning it wasnt easy at all. I still tried cheating, i still couldnt relax, but i had this mentality that i was atleast going to try. That when i got a chance to go to a cafe with my sister, instead of choosing the lowest cal option, i chose what I wanted. Small things like that.
Actually choosing cheese on my bread instead of jam, which i had always chosen.
Its tough to recover, its a constant battle inside your head but you need to havea goal. You have to WANT recovery. That is one of the most important things i tell people. Set up small goals for yourself, like go 2 weeks without purging or binging. Or if you gain X kilo you will do something you've wanted to do or buy something you've wanted etc. All these small goals which get you working towards the bigger goal.
There were nights in recovery where i cried myself to sleep, days filled with anxiety, hate towards my body and my life and wanting to give up. Times where i skipped a meal due to anxiety. But i got back on track... just because i messed up, that didnt stop me.
And then when i had my half recovered stage where i stayed a few months, beause i had no motivation to recover... i was still sick, but tried to convince myself i wasnt. But once i got my motivation back to actually recover fully, then i worked towards that goal.
So keep going, even during the darkest and toughest days. That is my best advice.
You know how it is to be sick, why not give healthy a chance? What i was told in recovery, and it sounds very contradictory is, Why not try reaching my goal weight, if i dont like it. I can lose the weight again. And that is so true.
If i wanted to, i could go back to starving myself, go back down to 40kg if i wanted. But thats NOT what i want. I WANT to eat, i want to nourish myself and my body. I like the way i look and feel no need to starve myself or be super skinny.
You always have the choice of going back to being sick, but you need to ask yourself, is that really what you want? Do you really want to feel the way you do?
If you liked the way you feel, the way you are living, you honestly wouldnt be on my blog, would you? So why not give Recovery a chance?