Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Friday, October 31, 2014

How i kept going

I got asked a little while ago, How i kept going. And its hard to answer, sometimes even I wonder how i actually kept going. How i took myself through the dark nights filled with anxiety, the meal times that were surrounded with panic and guilty feelings, the suicidal and depressive thoughts, the voice in my head screaming that i was fat, shouldnt eat, needed to lose weight....But i did take myself through those times, and i know you can as well.

For me, i am a very determined and motivated person. If i put a goal up for myself, i want to reach it. Do i fight 110% to reach that goal everyday, no i dont. Im only human. But i know in the back of my head that i need to take small steps to reach the big goal, and thats what i did.

My goal was to come home, to be healthy. I had my sister as my inspiration, she was living her life. Going to school, had friends, a boyfriend. Ate when she was hungry, stopped when she was full. Ate both healthy and unhealthy and had(still has!) a gorgeous body. And thats what i wanted.....
   I didnt want to be in hospital. I still wanted to be skinny, and the thought of gaining weight, the thought of becoming bigger and reaching my goal weight scared me. And i had times where i just wanted to give up because i didnt want to gain wieght, i didnt want to become bigger. But in the end, i knew i wanted to be healthy. So many years had passed me by. So many years of over exercising, starving myself, purging, self harm. I had missed out on friends, parties, special occasions. Ruined Christmasses and Easters, 2 years in a row my family had come to visit me in hospital on my sisters birthday. Sat and cried on my birthday because people were coming over and i didnt want to eat.
   So many bad memories, and i didnt want it anymore.

My decision to actually recover came a few weeks after my last time as an inpatient, it was like something clicked in me. I was tired mentally and physically of being sick and i wanted to come home.
  And then all these small steps that took me in the right direction towards recovery. It wasnt always easy, infact in the beginning it wasnt easy at all. I still tried cheating, i still couldnt relax, but i had this mentality that i was atleast going to try. That when i got a chance to go to a cafe with my sister, instead of choosing the lowest cal option, i chose what I wanted. Small things like that.
  Actually choosing cheese on my bread instead of jam, which i had always chosen.

Its tough to recover, its a constant battle inside your head but you need to havea  goal. You have to WANT recovery. That is one of the most important things i tell people. Set up small goals for yourself, like go 2 weeks without purging or binging. Or if you gain X kilo you will do something you've wanted to do or buy something you've wanted etc. All these small goals which get you working towards the bigger goal.

There were nights in recovery where i cried myself to sleep, days filled with anxiety, hate towards my body and my life and wanting to give up. Times where i skipped a meal due to anxiety. But i got back on track... just because i messed up, that didnt stop me.

  And then when i had my half recovered stage where i stayed a few months, beause i had no motivation to recover... i was still sick, but tried to convince myself i wasnt. But once i got my motivation back to actually recover fully, then i worked towards that goal.

You need to keep going and know that it gets better even if it doesnt feel like it, right at the moment. Because you know what, sometimes it feels ebtter to give up. To dig a hole and just lie there, refusing ot get up. But that isnt going to help... that just makes things worse. Because who knows, tomorrow could be one of the best days of your life, but you miss it because you lock yourself away, or give up on life.
   So keep going, even during the darkest and toughest days. That is my best advice.

You know how it is to be sick, why not give healthy a chance? What i was told in recovery, and it sounds very contradictory is, Why not try reaching my goal weight, if i dont like it. I can lose the weight again. And that is so true.
   If i wanted to, i could go back to starving myself, go back down to 40kg if i wanted. But thats NOT what i want. I WANT to eat, i want to nourish myself and my body. I like the way i look and feel no need to starve myself or be super skinny.
    You always have the choice of going back to being sick, but you need to ask yourself, is that really what you want? Do you really want to feel the way you do?

If you liked the way you feel, the way you are living, you honestly wouldnt be on my blog, would you? So why not give Recovery a chance?


  1. Keep on going = my pitfall

    Full of good will every morning, determination, will power...and when I face breakfast everything fades.

    Some days i tell me "i am done...anorexia is over" and eat a very nice complete meal ....and hours after I feel so much anxiety, fear and stomac pain that i have to trow up otherwise i just feel that i am going to die....

    But all of theses are just thoughts and feelings.....ED speaking....

    At each meal i have to slap me in the face in order not to fall in the pitfall...yes it is hard...but everything is possible at anymoment and it is never to late to take the good decision....

    I gritt teeth and try to keep head is tough...but you challed ...why not me.....

    I am tired ED tells me how I have to act, eat, think, behave....

    It is such a pain for me and other but ME FIRST....

    I think about you , I think how you F***** ED and tell me "I CAN"

    Thanks for your support

  2. Yes, thank you Izzy. This post has given me so much motivation and insight. It makes me feel less scared to keep going and not give up. You have been so inspirational. I know that might sound a bit corny, but it is so true! You give me so much hope. Thank you for being so open and sharing your experience. You have no idea how helpful it is and how grateful I am. Thank you <3 From Anna - in Australia

  3. Thank you, Izzy. This almost made me cry. Look after yourself and thank you for your example.
    :-) <3