Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Sunday, October 5, 2014

Feling guilty for what you put your family though

When it comes to an eating disorder, you have to remember that you arent the only one who suffers. You of course are the one with the voice in your head, being controlled by something else, the one with the fears, anxiety, guilt. But its your family and friends who have to watch you.... who watch you do all these things. Watch you disappear.... they are the ones who suffer on the side.
  When you are sick its very easy to become egoistic, only think of yourself. Think that you are the only one who is suffering, think that your family are just living their lives. Not caring for you or what you are going through, and yes... this may be the case in some families. But in other families, when someone becomes sick the rest of the families life is put on pause.

I am going to take myself for example. (SKIP lower if you just want advice on how to deal with the guilt!!)

    When i first got diagnosed with anorexia i had to go to a therapist twice a week which meant an 80 minute drive to the therapist and an 80 minute drive back... and my mum did this 2 times a week for me. She sat there with me for my meals, trying to make me eat. She was the one who had to force me to sit down, to be the one to listen while i purged in the bathroom after a meal filled with too much anxiety. Then when i got admitted to hospital she drove 90 minutes to the psychiatric hospital as often as she could to visit me. And lets not forget my sister in this equation, she was often left home alone because i became the center of attention. Everyones focus was on me... the sick girl. Yet again.
Then we moved to Sweden, giving up our life in Ireland. My mum had a successful yoga business as well as her own spa business which was going very well.... she gave all that up because i wasnt getting the care i needed in Ireland. I wasnt getting better, i was slowly dying and my mum refused to see that happen.
   So we packed our things and we moved. My mum had to start from scratch again... start a new yoga business, find somewhere for us to live.... my sister once again, almost forgotten in this equation. Giving up her friends, her school, her life in Ireland. For me, giving up my life there didnt matter so much to me. I didnt care at that point and if im honest, im just happy that we moved. My sister had the choice of staying with our dad in Ireland but she chose to move to Sweden so i guess it was a choice of hers as well. But she struggled in the beginning, her life went from stable to suddenly chaotic. Moving houses, changing school. Not always having enough money...
  One of the things that caused me the most guilt was the fact that my mum had to buy so much food for me to follow my meal plan. And i would either cheat with it, throw it away or purge it andi  felt so awful knowing that i was wasting our money when at that point we had very little.
Ive spoken to my sister about how she felt when i was sick and she said it was awful to see the way i behaved, to see me disappear. Isolate myself and lock myself away. To see new scars appear on my body, to see me cry, shake from anxiety, to see me cheat with food, to see me fall deeper and deeper into my ED. And there was nothing she could do about it.

I felt so much guilt for what i was putting my family through that that was why i frist tried to attempt suicide. I had written my suicide letter and in it told my mum and sister that i was sorry for messing up their life, that i was a burden and it was better if i was dead because then they could keep living their life.
  Of course i now know that if i had died then i dont think it would have been so easy for my family to just move on.

I get many emails from parents, siblings, friends,partners of someone who is sick. They watch the person from the outside, not knowing what to do. How to behave or care for their loved one. I have only been the one who is sick, so i cant imagine what its like to see someone you love do the things they do when they are struggling. But you have to know that your family/friends/partner care for you.
  Of course every family is different, but there is always someone you can talk to.

How to cope with the guilt of what you put your family through:

The first thing to know and remember is that its NOT your fault that you are sick. I am sure you didnt choose to develop your eating disorder, however it is your choice whether or not you choose recovery. So think about that... each time you do choose your ED, each time you decide to throw away the food your mother so kindly made you, or each time you argue with a sibling because of an ED reason then you are choosing your illness over your family/friends/partner.

Use the guilt you feel as a motivation to recover. The guilt will only stop when you have nothing to feel guilty for/over.

Know that your family/friends/partner just want to see you get better. They want you to be healthy, so try your best everyday to choose health and recovery. Try everyday for your family/friends/partners sake.. as well as your own.
   You may slip up sometime but as long as you are trying, then thats the best. And the fact that you are trying should make you not feel guilty for what you are putting the people around you through.

Know that what you are going through is tough... its tough for everyone around you as well. So have respect for each other.
If you are choosing recovery then you SHOULDNT feel guilty over the money spent on food for your meal plan, you SHOULDNT feel guilty for spending alot of time on the sofa or in your bed relaxing. You SHOULDNT feel guilty about your past and what you have put yourself or others around you through, because you are now focused on changing that.
   Remember this.

However, if you are choosing to be sick. Choosing to skip your meals, to binge eat, to purge, to over exercise etc... then well the guilt is part of that . Because you are human and you know what you are doing is wrong, you feel guilty for that. So the only way to get rid of that guilt is to start fighting for healthy.


  1. Woooow, you are so right!!!! Amazing that everyone who suffers has to deal with the same problems :) gives me the feeling of being not alone with my anxiety! ;) xxx <3

    1. You shouldnt feel bad. You are not alone in your suffering, know that you're family just want you to get better.

  2. Thank you so, so much for this, Izzy! It means sooo much to me. when i sit and think about the crap I put my loved ones through with my ed, i become filled with self-hatred and guilt. But you are so right in saying that we can use that guilt to help us recover...I know myself that focusing on recovery and gaining weight will make my family so, so happy and proud: it's the best way I could ever hope to make up for what I did wrong all those years I had my ED.