I dont know why i started counting calories. why i care about my weight. why im scared to go up in weight. i dont know what happened to make me like this.
but what i know... is that its not as simple to get out of. i have to change completely. i need to change my thoughts. stop listening to them. but all the time, im being shouted at - Your fat. your ugly. your useless. nobody loves you. your better off dead. dont you see how ugly you are. how nobody wants to be with you. your a depressed stupid girl, nobody loves you. nobody has time for you. your selfish adn stupid.
imagine hearing that allday. jsut being shouted at you.
of course... it does mute sometimes. sometimes when i feel good, feel i have htestrength to not listen, to push the thoughts away. then it quietens. if only a little bit.
I need to do everything i dont want to do. go against myself. i need to sit still when i jsut want to go running, i need to eat when thats the very last thing i want to do.
i want toshut myself away in a corner, a black corner and not eat. feel the hunger in my stomach.
It sounds weird and fucked up.
Why cant i jsut eat. just enjoy food? i mean, its not that hard, is it?