Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, October 22, 2014



How would i define or describe depression. Well first off, to truly understand depression and what it feels like you have to experience it yourself.

Depression is like having a rain cloud over your head. Its always over you, a constant rain. No matter where you go it follows with you... making everything a little blurry, trapping you in the rain, not able to break free. Over time the rain turns into hail stones, beating you down. And eventually it becomes a storm, thunder and lightning. You cant run or hide from the storm, its there ontop of you. You lie in bed, cover your head with the duvet and close your eyes. Trying to escape the pain you are in.... this pain you cant describe... you can feel it, but its not really there. You cant put a bandage on it or take a painkiller. Its like this noise that really goes away, even if it dies down its still there. However, nobody else sees the cloud/storm ontop of you. They just see you..... somedays you manage to smile, you manage to be like everyone else. But from the inside, you look at everyone else... you see them smiling and laughing and wondering why you cant do that either? Why is it so hard for you to smile... to just laugh and let go of all your worries.
   You are trapped and isolated from the world. You are covered in your storm and nobody notices.You feel like you are drowing or suffocating, cant quite get enough air. Just barely surviving.
Soon the storm ontop of you, the isolation, the fear, the lonliness... it all becomes too much. The self harm - if you have started with that - doesnt work anymore. Self harm just leaves you feeling more numb, it doesnt take away the pain. You have this inner suffering, but all the while nobody notices. They dont know whats going on in the inside.

Depression, its a silent illness. An illness that kills many people each year. And often, people dont realise someone has depression until its too late.
   There is such a stigma around mental illnesses, especially depression. People think its as easy as just snapping out of it when it comes to depression. And granted, by changing your thoughts, thinking more positvely you are one step closer to being happier and healthier again. I definitely dont think you need anti-depressants. i have never once taken them and i have recovered and gotten better from my numerous depressions.
  But at the same time depression doesnt go away over a night... one day you might feel amazing but suddenly you are back to feeling lonely, scared, depressed again.

The most important thing when it comes to depression is to reach out for help.... Dont suffer in silence. You already feel so lonely and isolated, but if you were to reach out for help then you wouldnt feel so lonely. Dont get angry when you tell someone how you feel and they say they understand even if they dont really. The person is just trying to help..... sometimes all you need is someone to hug you, tell you that they are there for you. You need a hand to hold, or someone to talk to.
  Reaching out for help can be the hardest thing to do, but that is what needs to be done.

I have been depressed numerous times and have had many dark thoughts and done alot of stupid things. Things which i have never talked about or written about. Memories which i want to surpress.

I have always had a problem reaching out for help which is a problem of mine. There was only one time when i was at the hotel part of Mando and i had had an awful day and i felt so bad. I was planning on killing myself that night but i ended up calling my sister and just hyperventilating on the phone and then hanging up. She got so worried that she called my mum and my mum called the staff at Mando and they came to me and made me and took away the knife i was holding and just made me sit with them. I was completely numb at that point i was completely spaced out from the anxiety i felt.
  That night is on my top 5 list of worst nights in my life. The next day i had to have a meeting with the doctor and staff to sign a contract saying that i wouldnt self harm or try to kill myself while under their care. If i did, then i wouldnt be allowed their treatment anymore. I had to sign that contract twice....
 I dont really know what that contract was for because really... if someone is so depressed and sick that they try to take their own life then i dont think they really care so much about whether they get to go to a treatment centre or not. I was eventually told by that doctor that i was too sick to help. That either i would end up killing myself from my depression or that i would die from my eating disorder. They told me i had been at their clinic for too long and they didnt think they could help me.... Nice to tell a 15 year old that she would most probably die and they didnt want that risk on their hands. Instead of helping me they just wanted to send me to a psychiatric hospital or another ED clinc. They wanted to get rid of the problem. Not solve the problem.

I always get super angry at the way that doctor treated me. My mum had ALOT of arguements with him because he was so rude and awful towards me. Telling me right to my face that i couldnt be helped and that i would most probably die. Making me sign a contract saying i wouldnt kill myself all the while i was thinking, the next time i get a chance i am going to jump off a bridge.

(I can tell you that the day i was declared healthy - by that same doctor, i just wanted to say F**k you to him. I proved him - and all the staff at Mando wrong. Them telling me i was a hopeless case... they looked down on me. There were only a few people who truly believed in me and they were such wonderful people at Mando. They dont work there anymore though, but i wish i could just send them a huge thank you because their support was what helped me.)

But back to depression....There is a stigma around depression. People who have it are seen as less worth or weird. Its not something you should talk about.
  But i think that is the absaloute opposite. Infact i think you SHOULD talk about depression. Talk about eating disorders and all other mental illnesses. Not just shove them under the carpet, hope they go away.
   There is an increase in suicide due to depression and eating disorders and if that doesnt show how big of a problem it actually is, then i dont know what does.

Depression is a lonely dark place... its tough to get better. Depression is in your head, a mental battle, a storm over your head. But having support is the number one thing. Someone you can talk to.
  Know that you ARENT alone. There is ALWAYS some one there. Even I am here for YOU. I know what you are going through and i can try helping as best i can. But its also important to have someone you can see, someone who you can call or talk to be by your side.

Try to get outside everyday, do something. Not just isolate yourself from the world.

It can get better, i promise.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Izzy! Thank you for such a great post! So true every word.
    I myself are diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder and it´s not easy to get up every day, but it´s getting better. Thank you for being such an inspiration and proof that recovery is possible :)

    I think the problem is that people who have not experienced depression, they don´t see it as a real thing. Just like you said many just think you can snap out of it.

    Have a great day!