Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, October 25, 2014

Anorexia from anothers point of view (repost)

In the book i am reading 'Just listen' by Sarah Dessen. (one of my favourite authors!!!)
   The main character's sister has got anorexia - thats not the whole story, theres just a little bit about it.
And in the book, you get Annabel's (the main character) perception of how her sister Whitney (who has the ED) behaves and looks and how it is ruining her family...
  It hurt so much to read it. I just lay there, absorbing every word.

I have always thought of anorexia in my own perception, me being the one who was sick. I thought about, how it was me who was going through the ED, me who was forced to eat and do things i didnt want to me. Me who had the pain.... it was just my point of view.

   I dont think i ever thought about how my sister or mum saw me, what they thought... what i was doing to them.

In the book, you read how Annabel is scared of Whitney, how thin she has become, how Annabel sees right through her lies, and sees how she behaves, hears all the thigns which she shouts and says when she doesnt want to eat, the lies she tells so she doesnt have to eat. 
It just felt so raw, to get anorexia... from a sisters point of view. Not the person who was sick.. i know how that is. I know what its like to have anorexia.... but i cant imagine, and i dont really want to how it would be if my sister had anorexia.
   To see her lose weight, become so thin. To never see her eat. To see right through her lies, and wish that you could help... but nothing you did worked. Nothing you did helped. In the end you would get angry and give up... you want your sister back. You want the girl who you enjoyed spending time with...
I know what ive put my sister through, how because of me... she had to move to Sweden, at first... she hated it. Because she wasnt with her friends, she had to start a new school, a new life... but ofcourse, she adapted. 
   I remember when i was an inpatient at Mando, she used to visit me as often as she could during the evenings. We'd sit and play cards, or we'd walk to the shop and she'd go and buy something to eat, and id sit beside her... wishing that i could also just buy something because i was hungry and not care about the calorie content or what it was... just eat it because i wanted it.....
   It meant so much to me that she visited, i really dont think she knows how much it meant. I never showed that i was happy, i never thanked her. I hate how rude i was.. how i said such nasty things, thought such nasty thoughts and did such nasty things...
  2 years in a row, i was in hospital for her birthday, and my parents wanted to spend the day with me, visit me as it was on a weekend
  I ruined plans because i got anxiety or didnt want to go to town or go for coffee or do something or other. There was evenings wehre i would lock myself in the bathroom and self harm, and night where me and my mum had arguements that woke the whole apartment. And of course, the arguments that ive had with my sister, that have most probably hurt the most. Shes said things to me which hurt, things that i cant forgive, but i know ive said things to her which she cant forgive...  
   what hurt more was that, while i stood there, saying the most awful thigns i could think of... all i wanted to do was hug her and tell her i was sorry. That i didnt mean it, but the voice in ym head wouldnt let me apologize.. so the words hung in the air.. cold as ice and burnt like fire.
Ive talked to my sister, and asked her for her perception of me... of what she thought.
   She said she was angry at me and worried. She hated seeing me so thin, she wanted me to get better. She wanted to spend time with me, but then again really didnt, as i couldnt be normal.... i couldnt sit still. I couldnt eat without messing about or cheating. I couldnt stroll, i had to power walk. i was quiet, and didnt say much. Just in my own world
  She hated how i was tearing apart the family, how much stress and worry i was causing everyone. Even herself, i didnt know about it, but she had started talking to someone to get everything out of her. Even my mum started talking to someone.... I was the only one, who never really got anyone to talk to, even though i asked for it numerous times...
To see someone so sick in anorexia, i dnot think i could stand it. I would get angry, i mean, i know how i behaved, what i did. How i cheated.... 'unnormal' anorexic things i did.... if i was normal, or as i am now.... it would get on my nerves, and i would either scream or walk away!! hhaa
   I always knew how hard it was for my family when i was sick, i knew what i put them through... but still. It wasnt until last night, when i was reading about it from a sisters perception, that it really hit... how others must have seen me. To have seen how thin i was... when i never saw it myself.

^^I remember when i was an inpatient at Mando, i was allowed to go to the theme park as a like special 'time out' as i had been doing so well, and my case manager had wanted me to work towards something and do something which i thought was fun.
So my sister agreed to go with me... and we had such agood time.
This was in 2011, when i had started my 'actual recovery' and i think that was when my sister realised i was becoming more normal...
I think one of the best things was when my sister told me, she was glad to spend time with me again.That i could be normal, that i didnt have any weird behaviour. And that she liked that i was the one who said 'can we go get some coffee and cake' if we were out in town, or that i didnt have a problem eatinglunch or dinner, that i could be fleixble with times and that we could share a bag of sweets on saturday.
We could be normal sisters again.
She liked that we could go into town, that we could go shopping and i didnt get social anxiety or panic because of all the people, and that i didnt stnad in the changing room, just staring at my body...
Of course, im still undcisive, whether i should buy clothes or not, but shes just learnt to accept that.
She enjoys that i can be spontanious and change plans, dont have to stick to a certain routine.
She likes that we can go running together, and we've even done a little workout together, where i was the coach!! haha
And i of course love spending time with her.
Me and my sisters relationship is very love-hate.
We argue of course, and tensions fly, but thats normal...
i havent seen her in what feels like forvever, because we dont live in the same house.
Which is kinda good, i think it can make our relationship better....
because when we're both stressed, its easy that we get angry at each other...
now we have no one to take our anger out...
Or my mum stands for that... ^_^
Hearing approval and acceptance from my sister is one of the best things.Because it really does mean alot to me.
Just like my friends.
But i think why it means so much to me, was that she didnt have to stay by me.
Just because shes my sister.. doesnt mean she had to spend time with me.
And i think its because i was so acutely aware of what i was putting her through...
I know i was worried that our bond would never be the same, that she'd leave me and we'd enver talk, i think that is part of why it means so much to  me.

^^Do you think we look alike? I dont!!


  1. this is such a beautiful and moving piece of writing, izzy. i can really relate to it too as i have a sister too. she's older than me and ive put her through so, so much. but she never gives up on me and is always so supportive no matter what.
    In the past, I know that I have ruined family meals together, eating out at restaurant, special occasions..all of these which should have been happy and special times with my loved ones but just became stressful and upsetting all because of me. :(
    i feel really guilty about this and i struggle with the guilt :( though i hope that by gaining weight i will make up for all the crap i have put them through.
    my sis and i, sometime in the future, would both love to go to florida goal is for me to be completely free of my ed so i can go out and do that.
    thanks for this izzy :) x

  2. This is so beautiful and touching. I have an older sister and even though she likes to joke around and make fun of me I know it's in a loving way cause I can get back at her ;) I know our bond is strong because even though she hasn't been living with us or a few years when we get together nothing changes, it's not weird or uncomfortable, I can be as weird as I want and it's normal. We've had a few fights in the past and there were times we didn't understand each other but now that's all cleared up and we talk about things I never though of talking about o her.

    1. (I accidentally published the comment earlier than I wanted to)
      I think it's so great you and our sister have a good relationship. I find it so heartbreaking when I hear stories of people growing apart from their siblings and not keeping in contact at all, after being super close and sharing a childhood it's like they've never shared those moments and are strangers. It's so sad. And with an ED it is hard to get relationships back but I'm so lad it worked out for you :) sisters can be a pain but they can also be very cool and helpful ;)
      Thank you for this post I love it.