Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

What ive been through has made me who i am today

Something which i began thinking about today was about everything ive been through the past few years. If i were to say what ive been through in my whole life... well then i could write a novel. So many events and things in my life have shaped me to who i am today.
  I am not the shy, self conscious, sick, weak little girl i was in Ireland. I am now strong, independant, mature, intelligent, brave..... But i would not be where i am, or who i am today without the past events in my life. They have MADE ME strong. They have made me grow up (of course i am considered an adult, but that doesnt always mean that people behave like adults), mature, learn from my mistakes....

The next bit of this post im just going to write a few things ive been through just in the years of my eating disorder. But it can be TRIGGERING for some... so please just skip the next part of this post if you get triggered easily or are someone who compares yourself to others, or if you have thoughts of not being sick enough or comparing yourself to others who are sick.
  This is just to prove to myself, and to others that you can take yourself out of any situation. No matter how bad it gets you can change things around.
  But even to those who dont struggle themselves, who have a family or friend who struggle... they can ALSO recover. No matter how sick or how long they have been sick, it is possible.

TRIGGER WARNING NEXT:



I've had periods where i didnt eat more than 200kcal per day
I exercised for hours on end, even when i felt faint
Fainted due to exhaustion
Purged at friends houses, in restaurants, in the forest
Been inpatients at a psychiatric ward, eating disorder clinic, kids hospital, for months/weeks on end
Ive been tube fed
Ive been on complete bed rest
Ive been in a wheel chair due to low body weight and low heart rate
Ive run away from hospital
Ive overdosed
Ive attempted to hang myself
I have lied straight to the face of my friends, family, doctors, staff etc
Ive self harmed until i can no longer feel anything
Ive burnt myself
Ive hit myself
Ive run away from home
Ive binged
Ive been sugar addicted
Ive been addicted to diet soda
Ive relapsed
Ive had panic attacks and anxiety attacks
Ive stood infront of mirrors for hours and cried and said every negative thing i could think of about my body.



All these things, these events.... overdose, self harm, tube fed, inpatients..... they have made me who i am. They have made me stronger.
   Do i wish i have never been through them, its hard to say. When you are in the situation of being so depressed you almost take your own life, or being admitted to hospital or beijng fed by a tube. Then you would do anything in the world to make it stop, to change life and situation. But now when i am on the other side of all of that, i can look back and think.... it was awful then. But i took myself through all of those situations. I AM STILL ALIVE.

Infact, i think i needed to go through all of those things, all of those eevnts to make me who i am. For example, over training, self hate, restriction, sugar addicted, diet soda addicted... all of those things have given me the balance i have today. Balance of exercise as i know how it is to over exercise, sugar addicted but also only eating salad and egg whites has given me the balance to eat both things in moderation.

What you are going through right now might be tough, but know that you CAN make it through. You just have to keep fighting. Its so easy to give up, i did that aswel... but i never truly gave up. Because then i wouldnt be here.
  There was a reason i didnt die after my suicide attempts, there was a reason that i didnt die from my eating disorder, no matter how close i came. Remember that YOU are also needed, loved and wanted in this world. So DONT let your depression, eating disorder or any other illness you have take your own life.
   
Even for me, everyday i fight and struggle with my CF, but i refuse to let that win, refuse to let my CF ruin or control my life. YOU have to take the events you go through and fight for your life, learn from your mistakes!!



3 comments:

  1. Exactly. No, I of course did not enjoy all the things I did, they were terrible. But if I were to throw all that away then I would be in a different place than I am in now. And I'm not sure I want that. I would not have known what I know now. In the past two years I have learned and experienced so much. Things most people don't go through at my age. A lot of them are ED related but not all of them... Anyway, if I did have a choice I wouldn't change a thing. No matter how heartbreaking it is to remember me in the past or how badly I want to forget all about it, I wouldn't.
    It's crazy how many stupid and terrible things we may do to avoid anxiety, to feel safe, to avoid embarrassment whatever. People should do what THEY want, what they feel is good for them. It's YOUR life after all!
    I am so, so happy you didn't give up, Izzy! You are such a great person and are helping others recover too. That kind of support is priceless :)
    Olivia

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  2. <3 I totally agree with you Izzy, I think going through and recovering from an ED does make you stronger, more mature, independent...and it makes you realise how precious life is too, how YOUR own life is. Reading your list made me think of all the wrong stuff I did too, when I was sick. I thought...that's what I did THEN. But look at me NOW... and I realised how far I've actually come from that person who was me back then. And I know that I will never go back to that dark, horrible place. Like you Izzy I have my ups and downs, but I know that this time I am not going to give up. Unlike all the times in the past when I had my ED and made halfhearted attempts to recover... I know exactly what I did was wrong and not normal. That I need to gain weight, that I had an eating disorder. And that things will get better, and that if I recover fully I will be able to help those who are out there going through what I did.
    You are such an inspiration Izzy - your story is truly amazing and so heartwarming; and what you write really, really testifies that recovery is so worth it a hundred times over. It's very hard to be strong and brave when you are trying to break free from your ED but such inspiring and moving stories like yours are a real spark of light in the darkness; and prove that EDs are not undefeatable, and that, if you are willing to be courageous and resolute, that you will become the person that you want to be, not just remaining as a mere shadow of your own ED for ever and ever.
    Thanks a million Izzy xxx

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  3. Literally from darkness into light, Izzy! Your two pictures there express it so well...victory indeed. You're a princess. love you much!

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