I am not the shy, self conscious, sick, weak little girl i was in Ireland. I am now strong, independant, mature, intelligent, brave..... But i would not be where i am, or who i am today without the past events in my life. They have MADE ME strong. They have made me grow up (of course i am considered an adult, but that doesnt always mean that people behave like adults), mature, learn from my mistakes....
The next bit of this post im just going to write
This is just to prove to myself, and to others that you can take yourself out of any situation. No matter how bad it gets you can change things around.
But even to those who dont struggle themselves, who have a family or friend who struggle... they can ALSO recover. No matter how sick or how long they have been sick, it is possible.
TRIGGER WARNING NEXT:
I've had periods where i didnt eat more than 200kcal per day
I exercised for hours on end, even when i felt faint
Fainted due to exhaustion
Purged at friends houses, in restaurants, in the forest
Been inpatients at a psychiatric ward, eating disorder clinic, kids hospital, for months/weeks on end
Ive been tube fed
Ive been on complete bed rest
Ive been in a wheel chair due to low body weight and low heart rate
Ive run away from hospital
Ive attempted to hang myself
I have lied straight to the face of my friends, family, doctors, staff etc
Ive self harmed until i can no longer feel anything
Ive burnt myself
Ive hit myself
Ive run away from home
Ive been sugar addicted
Ive been addicted to diet soda
Ive had panic attacks and anxiety attacks
Ive stood infront of mirrors for hours and cried and said every negative thing i could think of about my body.
All these things, these events.... overdose, self harm, tube fed, inpatients..... they have made me who i am. They have made me stronger.
Do i wish i have never been through them, its hard to say. When you are in the situation of being so depressed you almost take your own life, or being admitted to hospital or beijng fed by a tube. Then you would do anything in the world to make it stop, to change life and situation. But now when i am on the other side of all of that, i can look back and think.... it was awful then. But i took myself through all of those situations. I AM STILL ALIVE.
Infact, i think i needed to go through all of those things, all of those eevnts to make me who i am. For example, over training, self hate, restriction, sugar addicted, diet soda addicted... all of those things have given me the balance i have today. Balance of exercise as i know how it is to over exercise, sugar addicted but also only eating salad and egg whites has given me the balance to eat both things in moderation.
What you are going through right now might be tough, but know that you CAN make it through. You just have to keep fighting. Its so easy to give up, i did that aswel... but i never truly gave up. Because then i wouldnt be here.
There was a reason i didnt die after my suicide attempts, there was a reason that i didnt die from my eating disorder, no matter how close i came. Remember that YOU are also needed, loved and wanted in this world. So DONT let your depression, eating disorder or any other illness you have take your own life.
Even for me, everyday i fight and struggle with my CF, but i refuse to let that win, refuse to let my CF ruin or control my life. YOU have to take the events you go through and fight for your life, learn from your mistakes!!