Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Friday, September 12, 2014

There is no one right way to recover

People often like to have manuals, to be told how things happen. What to expect, when they happen. Before exams, you like to know exactly what will be in the test, what to expect. And most people want it to be the same way in life... but you can't control life. And if there is one thing we should know by now.... there aren't always answers to our questions.

And recovery is one of those things... you have so many questions, you hear about other peoples recovery. How it went for them... some recovered in a matter of months, others it took years. Some went back and forth through hospital, others never needed to go to hospital. Some starved themselves, others binged. Some people counted calories, others obsessively exercised. Maybe you did all of those things or none of those things...  but still, you expect your recovery to be like someone elses. And maybe it is, because even if you feel so alone. Like no one else can understand what you are going through, You aren't alone. Because the thoughts you have, someone else with the same eating disorder has the same thoughts as you. That is why so many people find they can relate to my old posts. Because the thoughts i had then are the same thoughts you might be having now. But now I'm free of all of those thoughts.

My recovery was my recovery... it took time. I spent years going back and forward, never accepting the help i was given. I counted calories, had fear foods, i cheated with my food constantly, i over exercised, purged, self harmed, tried to commit suicide. I had a small period of binging and purging, though it didn't last more than a few months. That was MY illness. And my recovery - from when i decided to recover - took c.a a year (including my small relapse).
  For me, i preferred to get rid of my meal plan as soon as i could. I wanted freedom with my food.. to choose whatever i wanted to eat.
  I faced my fear foods spontaneously, if i planned them i would compensate. But found it easier to just face it unexpectedly and then try to keep myself calm and not compensate afterwards. I found it difficult at first to eat alone, i couldn't do it, so felt i had to have someone with me or i wouldn't eat. Others might find its easier to eat alone (though remember its SOCIAL and HEALTHY to eat with others. And always eating on your own isnt always a healthy habit).
  I made mistakes and did things wrong. I had times i listened to the voice in my head and skipped dinner or went out walking when i shouldn't have. But that was part of MY recovery.
 My mum gave me alot of freedom which helped me alot - or i mean ,i did struggle alot as well. But i felt that it also made me stronger to make me realise that i needed to eat for ME. That i could skip meals, go out running, listen to the voice in my head. But it would be ME back at Mando or a psychiatric hospital. So it was good for me to learn that, instead of her just watching me all the time and forcing me to eat. She of course made me eat fear foods and made sure i ate and ate enough, but at the end of the day she told me the choice was mine. And at times i chose to skip meals, to not do the right thing. But it also made me realise that i needed to make healthy choices for me!!

Others might find, having that freedom doesn't work for them. They need someone watching them.

I recovered without going to a therapist, however others might need someone to talk to. That is very individual.

So remember, there is no right or wrong way to recover. I mean the methods, of course if you decide to only eat certain foods, never face your fear foods and still live in a sick bubble, then you cant classify yourself as healthy anyway.
  But if you choose to face your fear foods 5 times a week or once a week, whether you decide to be your own police or have someone else watch you while you eat... those are part of your recovery.

You need to make choices towards YOUR HEALTH. For your life!!

I feel this post has just sort of lost meaning - but hopefully it is helpful in some way!

6 comments:

  1. Brilliant post. I keep comparing my recovery to the others at the day centre I'm attending. I know a lot of them are restricting and exercising at home in the evenings and I have felt a failure for not doing that. Your post has made me realise that this is MY recovery and I need to stop comparing myself to them.

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    1. You are NOT a failure for notlistening to your ED. Infact, you are STRONG. You are doing the right thing, and you are closer to becoming healthy. Getting your life back and being happier. Dont compare yourself to others, we are all different and do different things. But you are doing a great thing by going against your ED!

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  2. Izzy, I don't know if you can help wth this, but I need to write it out to someone anyway: yesterday I saw the column in the daily newspaper (the one where it says that X has died, funeral at Wednesday, Y has died, we love and will miss you, funeral on Saturday etc etc). It read the name of a former teacher on mine. She was my teacher in 4 th or 5 th grade. I am now in 16 years old, so it has been a pretty long time ago since I saw her. But I still remember her as a very lovely woman and teacher. In the papers it said that "X chose to leave us" and "finally you can rest". "Please no condollances to the family at the funeral, but please give some money to (a mental health organization in Norway)". I'm so devastated by this!! I feel bad for crying over her death - it makes me feel like I am making it all about me. I feel SO bad. I never knew she struggled, and now she had killed herself. (She hung herself and her husband found her, and she has two or three younger kids!) This is so sad. I feel bad for not knowing that she had a hard time. I myself tried to commit suicide when I was in seventh grade, and I suffered with anorexia in 9th grade - so I have had some mental issues and feel like I can (or could) relate to her. I guess she was depressed or something. I find myself crying myself to sleep, crying in the school break, almost crying in the gym. I picture her laughing while she was my teacher. I picture her with her daughter (her poor daughter now!! :( ) I picture her in pain, the moment she puts the rope around her neck and hanging there. I picture her husband finding her, the look on her children's faces when they're told about their mother's death. They no longer have a mother!! I didn't really know this woman very well, but I think so much about her now! She was my teacher for about a year, but she was away from school quite a lot. But she was so nice and kind! :( Again: I feel like I am making this all about me by presenting the problem by telling how I FEEL. The focus should be on her. :'(

    Does anyone have any response to this. Should I talk to someone or will it pass by itself? <3

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    1. Hello,
      I am sorry this is affecting you so much and i definitely think you should talk to someone. This is obviously affecting you alot. I think that her death has merely triggered something in you... because you have gone through the same thing. Been depressed and maybe tried killing yourself, and now suddenly you know... even if it was a while ago has killed themselves and you realise how much it affects people. How someones death, someone else feeling depressed affects the people who care for that person. You know both sides now.. how it feels to be depressed, but also to be someone losing someone...even if you may not know her well.
      I think you should talk to family as well as a therapist. You arent making this about you... its just that it has conjured something in your head, it has triggered bad thoughts. You feel like you could have done something, but the truth is... you couldn't have. Unless you had been best friends/partner/family to her and noticed she was depressed it is very hard to do something.
      Dont do anything silly, get help for these types of thoughts. It is common that the people who have experienced someone they know kill themselves can leave an impact on them.

      One of my friends once witnessed a guy jumping infront of a train and killing himself. This gave her so much anxiety and made her feel so bad... like she could have helped him, but really she couldn't have. But she had to go to therapy for several weeks to help her as she couldn't sleep and was starting to feel depressed after witnessing that event.

      I also want to take this time, if someone else is reading this comment, and maybe if you are thinking about suicide. THink about how it affects the people around you... close or far away friends/family. They WILL be affected by your death, so even if it is tough for you... don't leave your mess behind for others to carry the burden of your death.

      Take time for you, and hopefully these thoughts will pass :) You are alive. All you can do is be you, know that you are alive.

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    2. Wow! Thank you so much for this reply!! It helped somewhat - you are good at putting emotions into words. If you don't mind I might show my comment and your reply to whomever I will talk to about this. That way I don't need to worry about not explaining well enough how I feel. This really puts things in perspective. That I once could have caused this pain in someone else's life.

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    3. Thank you.
      And yes, it can be easier to show in words how you feel than to tell someone. So it can be great to show whoever you talk to what you wrote here :)

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