My name is Teagan and I don't quite know how long I've suffered from anorexia. It got more serious over the years. At the end of December last year, I was eating very little- about a snacks worth of food the whole day- and trying to fill the rest of my time with exercise. Over the months I lost approximately x kgs. Eventually I got to a stage where eating half an apple a day was too much. I got sent home from school after having a break down and my psychiatrist wouldn't allow me to go to my Model United Nations tour to kenya. I got put into a clinic for two months. I cried for three days straight when I found out. Fortunately, I was surrounded by wonderful people there. But on my second night, I was so scared about the food I was eating, that I tried to run away. I was the naughty one- drinking too much water when we weren't allowed too many liquids, hiding my kitkats, throwing food off my plate, etc. Originally, I felt sorry for those who had chosen recovery. They had fallen into the traps of the doctors. I definitely didn't want to starve myself anymore, but I decided that I wouldn't exceed MY version of a safe weight (about 10kgs too low from my healthy weight). I was caught at half recovery for a while and hated leaving it. This was my most difficult stage to over come. But know that half recovery is just as useless as no recovery. Your friends aren't there anymore, you can't concentrate, etc. Your life is limited. But then, I kept eating. I cried after a lot of meals, but I started to taste the food again. I became too dependent on my meal plans at time, but I was, for the first time in my life, the skinny girl who could eat SOOO much. And part of me had always wanted to be that person. I looked at myself at every few kilograms. My love handles came back (even though they weren't noticeable to others but were to me) when I still had a minimum of 5-7kgs to gain. I learnt that women with beautiful legs don't necessarily need a thigh gap- umm Cameron Diaz! I slowly started feeling more content. I then went to a new dietician who could tell me what my BMR was eg 1800 calories a day. And when I exercise, I had to eat more than this. So my reward from my parents and dietician for getting to 3-4kgs from my healthy goal weight, that I could start exercising. Soon my period came back and I haven't relapsed yet. Today I have gained over 20kgs. About 3-4 over the minimum I had to reach. I'm now about 63-65kgs and I run and do weights. I eat what I want and I have all my friends back and a few guys are now interested in me! It feels so nice! Some things I told myself in recovery which helped me get through it was: 1) Do the next right thing. Eat your food when you're feeling stressed. Don't make any big decisions while you're underweight. 2) my motivation words which I repeated during rough times- thank you izzy, this was from you 'my body is not a democracy' 3) I got my voice back. I decided my body couldn't speak for me anymore. When I gained my voice- I gained my life. I spoke to my parents when they said something triggering and tried to explain what was going on in my head. 4) this was probably the most important. I decided at half recovery that I wouldn't be happy anywhere in between recovery. I had to make my options black and white. I had two options... 1 I could let my ed kill me. I would never allow myself to find happiness if I did this. I would hate every moment of life. Or 2... I could pull my shit together and join society again. Because people would not continue to support me through my struggle. People lose patience and compassion. So I started believing in the person I wanted to become. I started telling myself after I gained weight, that I looked beautiful. I stopped following thinspo sites or even looking at any pictures of diets or workouts. I recovered by following helpful sites that restored my faith in humanity like www.humansofnewyork.com and www.lifewithoutanorexia.com and 'healthy is the new skinny' Know that you don't deserve this ED but you have to fight it. It is not you. It is not a part of you. It is something that infected you. Your antibiotics is food. I promise you that whatever you eat in recovery.., if you're trying to be 'healthy' it won't make much of a difference to your weight at all! Once you're healthy, you won't have to think of those things again and food is food. If you can't decide, ask other what you should order. Take the guilt away. Lots of love and strength to all of you Teagan xx
Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org