Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Friday, September 5, 2014

Do i miss Ireland & memories?

A question which I'm often asked by friends and family is whether i miss Ireland or not? And this question is so hard to answer... Do i miss Ireland or not?

What i miss most is my dad and half brother. I miss seeing them often. Calling my dad, playing football with my brother or sitting and watching cartoons with my brother while eating lunch. Or watching football matches with my dad while drinking hot chocolate and eating his super yummy sandwiches. I can miss some of the memories in Ireland. All the good times, because there were ALOT of good times, i lived there 10 years. It's just that the last 2-3 years weren't that great and are clouded with more bad memories than good memories. The times i ran to the bathroom after meals to purge, all the excuses and lies i told. The memories i missed out on because i avoided social events, i pulled myself away.
I lived out in the country in Ireland so my neighbours were pretty much the sheep and cows, but i never complained. I liked it that way, i got my childhood. I got to run around and play. Be out in fields, not care about the clothes i had on me, not have a mobile until about the age of 8. I was free and just a child, none of the beauty standards or social pressure was put on me when i was younger. Though i guess that's why its strange to think i was 11 when i developed my ED. But as i wrote about before, that was due to low self esteem, lack of control and other things. It was never because i felt i wanted to be skinnier or because i felt fat.

I can miss the country sometimes, being near the water and see. Having so much nature around me. But i guess i am a bit of a city girl now. I am obsessed with being close to things... close to school, close to town, close to the gym but at the same time close to a trail park and a lake. Having to spend an hour on a bus to get somewhere is not something i enjoy or would want to do. But in Ireland i would have to spend 90 minutes on a bus to come to the closest biggest town, which when i think of now, isn't big at all.

Ireland and Sweden are to me, such different countries. Both in people's behaviour, how the country works, school system among other things. At the moment i love Sweden, i love living here and moving back to Ireland isn't a thought that crosses my mind. I am a city girl, i like living in the city.
    However Ireland has it's charms, it's a lovely country. Though what i feel i miss most is the people and the memories.

One of my most favourite memories - might sound strange - is one with my dad. I was an inpatient at the CF clinic where i was getting IV's. I was very sick at the time and had spend a month and a half just lying in the sofa at home, too sick to do anything due to my CF and i had been admitted to the clinic for 1 week and had another week or 2 to go. I was getting better and my dad had come to visit me bringing lots of snacks. Donuts, cookies, pringles, diet cola and other delicious snacks (because the food at the hospital wasn't good and i had lost alot of weight and was still losing weight as i wasn't eating so much at the hospital. **This was before i had developed my ED*) My dad had come to visit me most days that week and he was going to work late at a club as a sound engineer so he was super tired and we put on the TV and we began watching Total wipeout and we both just laughed and laughed. Found it so funny.
And that is one of the best memories i have. One of the memories i cherish the most, even if i was in hospital, with needles sticking out of me in all directions, a tired body and mind. But spending that time with my dad and having that moment of happiness where i could just laugh even when all i wanted to do was cry and feel sorry for myself. To bury myself under ground and refuse to get up and live. But just having that company and laughing.
This brings me to another memory i have when i was an inpatient at Mando and i had had an awful day, i just wanted to escape the life i was living and my sister came to visit me. We just sat on a bench outside and sat in silence. I had too many thoughts to speak but just knowing that my sister was there, that she had travelled the 50+ minutes to spend an hour with me meant so much to me. Even if i couldn't show it at the time, it really did mean alot to me.

That is why I always tell people who ask what to do when there friend or family member is sick, just to be there for them. Because that's all you can do... show them that you care. And for me, that meant the world to me. Even if i couldn't express my thank you at the time, knowing that people were there really did help.

This post has taken a complete turn, not even on the same topic anymore. But i just felt i wanted to write that bit out :) hahah.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a city girl also and can relate to what you're saying ;)
    Those memories sound so nice :)Even though I don't know what it was really like at that moment, I can picture you in both those memories. It's good to have memories, good and bad :)