Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

You are NOT a hopeless case

One of the feelings you might get while you are struggling or trying to recover is, i will never recover. I am a hopeless case. You think you are unique, different from everyone. Different from all the other sufferers because you think you cant recover. Trust me, everyone suffering thinks that way. And the truth is, until you decide you want to recover then you arent going to recover.
  Sure you can gain weight, truth is everyone can do that. But an eating disorder is in the head and its important that YOU fight the thoughts... break the ED habits and form new healthy routines. No one else can fight the thoughts, they can just help to support you. Make it easier, but its you who has to cope with the anxiety and panic.

You need to stop thinking that you cant be helped because that type of negative thinking is what makes you not able to recover. Because you CAN recover, its just that you dont want to. Dont get those 2 confused. Because everyone suffering CAN recover, its just whether they choose to or not. Im not saying recovering is easy, its a fight everyday. But that doesnt mean you cant do it.

I thought i was a hopeless case, ive even write a few posts from when i had those thoughts. Sitting at Mando, just after cheating with breakfast, snack and lunch. Had snuck out from Mando and gone for a walk and was back for my afternoon snack and i was planning on going walking instead of going home. I sat and watched the other patients and just thought, why cant i recover? What is wrong with me? Why do i do everything wrong. I knew what i had to do. I had to eat - exactly what was on my meal plan and rest. It was simple really.... but actually putting that into action wasnt as easy because there was a mental block. A voice in my head that told me i couldnt and wasnt allowed to eat and had to exercise every second i could.

There came a point where Mando kicked me out - i was no longer allowed to go to their treatment centre but i was also too underweight and sick to be at home. I had had 3 different therapists tell me they couldnt help me because i was too sick. I had my case managers and the doctor at Mando basically tell me they didnt think i had a future because i couldnt follow their rules, i was too sick for them to help. My mum was tired of all the arguments of seeing me disappearing and she had given up on me as well. I was all alone for a period of time... trapped at Mando because i was so underweight that i wasnt allowed home, but i wasnt getting so much help from Mando either. I had no planning as all i was doing was waiting to be accepted to another ED clinic or the psychiatric ward.
   It was then that i really thought i was a hopeless case. I told myself that i would never been one of the patients who walked down the halls of Mando holding flowers after being declared healthy.... what do you know a year and a half later i was delcared healthy.

Its about motivation, determination and hard work. NOT giving up. Staying focused... knowing that its tough. Dont expect recovery to be easy - for some it is, trust me... ive heard great stories of recovery where it just sort of flew by. The person accepted their weight gain, loved their body, ate like normal and began to live life. So YES, that type of recovery is also possible. Its different for everyone.
  But dont say that you cant be helped... its just that you arent letting others help you. No, no one else can do the hard work or the fighting. But you can have your family, friends and partner around you. Sitting there at meal times, listening to you, supporting you.... making you want to live life again.
   DONT shut those people out, they are helpful in recovery.

You arent different from anyone else suffering or anyone else who has recovered, you can also do it... you just have to WANT to. And that decision has to come from YOU. Whether you make the decision a week from now, a month from now or 2 years from now... ask yourself, how much time do you really want to waste on this illness? What is it you are gaining from being sick?

1 comment:

  1. This post is so inspirational and true. Thank you so much for it.
    Reading this I realised how much I could relate to it. 4 years ago this is the exact position I was in: feeling hopeless and so lost, thinking I would never be normal and would just continue to fade away into non-existence. Only just under half a year ago something changed.
    I wanted to live again. I wanted to be healthy and live life to the fullest. I guess you could say I finally decided to try recovery, because that's what I did. I thought attempting to recover must be better then slowly dying (which my care manager/careplan initiator had told me. That I was killing myself).
    And here I am, amid recovery. I am very proud to say that I am a healthy weight, and my periods have started again! My BMI is around 19, and I am very happy to say that I am officially a healthy weight.
    My journey is far from over. Yet I am the happiest I have been in four years now, so I can easily say recovery is one of the best decisions I have ever made. The point I found your blog changed my life - in a extremely positive way, and you have been such an inspiration to me.