Its hard to say whether my depression was triggered by my developing eating disorder or whether my eating disorder developed from my depression. I was so young that i didnt really know what was going on in my head... i thought that the thoughts of being too fat, not being allowed food were normal... and in many cases, it is normal for teenage girls to consider them fat. To want to change their body, which is very wrong, it shouldnt be considered normal to hate yourself.
I was 11/12 when i began thinking more about the future, i googled about CF, what were the statistics for survival, of even being able to have kids. I was 11 years old and i was worried that i would never have a partner, that i was too ugly to be loved. That i was too sick to be loved... i was missing out on parties, on school, on friends. And i think that was what triggered my negative thoughts and my depression, and also my lack of control in my life. I had decided to be normal and in order to be normal i had to stop taking my medicines and inhalers etc which then made me even sicker with my CF. Wanting control over my life, but also i got a negative comment about food when i was around 11 which affected me alot and combined with low self esteem my ED developed.
I was 13 when i first felt i wanted to die i had also begun self harming then. I was very sick with my CF due to me not eating, purging and pushing myself with exercise. I spent 80% of that year at home or in hospital and just wishing to die... but i couldnt voice my fear. I looked at everyone around me, living their lives and i had this voice in my head screaming at me. Anxiety crawling beneath my skin and this dark rain cloud above my head, weighing me down. It was like my body was there, but not my mind. I could see everything, but i couldnt interract. I was a mannequin... just a body. My depression and ED got worse and i spent alot of time lying on the hard, cold floor of my room... just thinking. Trying to understand what was going on... i felt so helpless. I felt this mental pain, this voice in my head constantly reminding me that i was fat, that i shuoldnt be lying down i should be out running. My self harm got worse as i tried to numb the mental pain... try to feel some form of physical pain instead of the one inside my head. I was 14 when i first voiced that i wanted to die... I was an inpatient in the kids psychaitric ward and i had a therapist who kept pushing me to answer her questions. To tell her why i wasnt and couldnt eat, why i couldnt get better, why i was so scared of eating. It was then i said, I would rather die than be fat. That was one of the only things i said in that hospital to the staff and is marked down in my journals. I was also 14 when i first attempted suicide.... i tried to hang myself. Though whether i should call it an attempt or not, i stood on a chair with a noose type thing around my neck... though after an hour or so of just standing there i broke down and just cried. It was also there my mum found me in the middle of the night.
As my eating disorder got worse my depression also got worse. Thoughts of suicide were always on my mind, i planned and plotted my death... i had even written a suicide note. I wanted to end my pain... end my suffering. Self harm was no longer numbing the anxiety, the guilt, the thoughts and feelings and i felt i couldnt cope anymore. I couldnt cope wtih eating, being in hospital, of all the self hate and guilt i had for putting my family through all of that. I just wanted it to end... i wanted some type of peace. In 2011 i overdosed and ended up spending 2 nights in hospital having to drink this weird drink (cant remember the name) to clean my body of the toxins. It was also then that everyone around me realised just how depressed i was.... for the past year i had barely spoken, my self harm once again getting that bit worse and eating wasnt happening either. But it was like my family and even the hospital needed that wake up call.... an attempted suicide. It was also then that the doctor at Mando told me that if i dont change my behaviour i will get kicked out of Mando and a few months later i was told i wasnt allowed to go there anymore.
After the attempted suicide the staff at Mando got even more strict with me which made me even more mad and i began collecting painkillers again, telling myself that next time i would take even more. And in the next 6 months i also tried jumping off a bridge and hanging myself again, though of course i never went through with them but i was 75% sure i would and almost did.
However as i began eating again as i found my motivation to recover from my eating disorder i also began feeling happier. Somewhere during my recovery i stopped with self harm... cant remember how or why, but i think it was because i found different coping methods with the guilt and anxiety. I didnt want more scars on my body. Also as my body and mind got nourished i was able to think more straight and feel happier.
However i did fall back into a relapse which resulted in me feeling more depressed again, i could no longer smile or feel happy but i think that was just due to my starvation, my body not getting the energy it needed as well as feeling super stressed.
And after i was declared healthy a few months later i fell into a sort of depression again due to stress and school.
I know i have it easier to feel depressed though since ive recovered from my eating disorder its never been a full blow depression, But i have had periods where i have felt so unmotivated, lifeless, unhappy for a longer period of time and even had suicidal thoughts. Though its nothing i have acted upon, but just tried to fight my way through the thoughts, try to stay positive. I am generally a very positive person and always want to see the positive in life which has helped me emensly and i havent felt depressed since i began with that type of thinking!
One thing which i havent mentioned on this blog, because it is so very personal, is that my mum's dad became depressed and killed himself. This was something i was never aware of until after i had overdosed. I had known that he had died, i just never knew that he had killed himself. Finding that out made me feel so much more guilty for putting my mum through that... to think, if i had died that night, i dont know what it would have done to my mum. To have both her mum die when she was 15 years old and when she was 18 her dad commited suicide. And then to have her 15 year old daughter commit suicide? Just the thought... of how i could have done that to her makes me quiver now. Though of course, i didnt think about that then. I wanted to end my mental pain and i also thought it would be better for my family if i died, if they no longer had to see me or go through everything i was putting them through.
I now realise that by killing myself i wasnt solving a problem, i was causing another one.
Another thing also is that my dad has also been depressed several times - once again, something i dont lke mentioning online. But it also doesnt make it so strange that i have it easier to feel depressed or become depressed. (Remember that sadness or feeling a little sad or unmotivated for a few days ISNT depression. But thats not what im refering to either, i mean actual depression signs and symptoms when i talk about it).
One thing which i despise is how sites like Tumblr depression is glorified.... slitting your wrists, lying in bed feeling unmotivated and sad, having demons in your head.... thats all seen as something different, unique etc but at the same time society makes people with depression feel even worse about themselves. They're just attentionseeking... someone who attempts suicide are just attention seekers. Put them on pills and hope that they feel happier... but those types of pills just take away all emotions. You are left like a doll... dont feel happiness or sadness. It doesnt cure the actual problem.
Depression, just like eating disorders or self harming is NOT cool and not something that makes you special or unique, its not something to strive after.
Now when i live my life and make choices that make me happy that give me positivity. Also having a balance in my life, feeling happy and loving my life. I now rarely feel sad or depressed. School stress can affect me emensly and make me feel very tired, unmotivated, sad but im trying to find good coping skills for my stress and im hoping one day that school stress wont affect me so much as it does.
This post has become really long and i feel i lost track and havent mentioned half of the things which i wanted.-.... but i thought i would write another post about how to cope and recover from depression, or some of my tips anyway. And feel free to ask more about this topic and i will answer in a post :)